I AM…

I AM…

by | Jun 7, 2023 | Blog

Who Are You? Really…?

Here’s what I know to be true: every woman has wings. But some need help to color them in.

Some are washed out. Some need to color over the lines. Others? A touch of glitter…

Now, some clients, when they come to me, have incredible wings. Their feathers are bright. They sparkle (and they know it!)

BUT… they’ve been clipped. They’re caged, and they’ve lost their voice.

So, what do I mean by all this?

Well, maybe life feels like a sh*tshow right now? Perhaps you woke up this morning and thought:

  • I’m so done with being someone’s puppet.
  • I’m f*cking clueless.
  • I haven’t had my voice for so long. 
  • I have no idea…
  • What do I really want?                                                                                                                                                                   

Because here’s the truth: ALL of us, now and then, need help remembering who we are.

Yes, that’s right. I don’t care how beautiful your wings are, or how you got here. Every woman comes to me at a different level—and could benefit from some more color, more life in her wings.

Let’s try it out… 

If I asked you ‘who are you?’ I expect your first thought would be to list what you do, or your relationship to other people: i.e. wife or mother, or your job title.  

But these are labels defined by society, not the true essence of you. 

So, what if you’re reading this and think: ‘Holly, I’ve spent so long looking after everyone else, I don’t know who I am. And I don’t know where to start…’

Well, that’s where the ‘Who Am I?’ exercise comes in.

Its purpose is simple: to understand how your strengths, gifts and values meld to form who you are.

Because here’s the thing: every experience until this point has shaped your perception of the world…

And that’s why midlife is the perfect time to find out what color you want your wings to be—or in other words, who you really are.

So, grab a pen and paper, pour a glass of wine or a cup of tea, and work through the following questions:

 Step 1: Identify your key descriptors:

  • What are the 5-10 most important values in your life?
  • How would you describe the attributes you most like about yourself?
  • What do other people admire most about you—and what is the impact you have on them? 

Hint: if you can’t objectively see your gifts and strengths, it can help to reach out to up to 5 people in various parts of your life, and ask what they see as your unique qualities, attributes, or characteristics. Ask, why do you mean so much to them? And how do you impact their life?

 (This also helps realize your impact, and gives you direction towards ‘who you are.’)

  • What core beliefs about life serve you best?
  • What makes you unique, or stand out from others?
  • What makes you feel most passionate, satisfied, and most fulfilled?
  • If you had to name one feeling that you would like to have most often, what would that be?

Step 2: Put an X by the 5-10 most important words from the list you made, and convert those 5-10 descriptors to nouns. 

(For example, if ‘being healthy’ is one of your key descriptors, convert to ‘health.’ If ‘honest’ is one, convert to ‘honesty.’)

Step 3: Take these nouns and make them into ‘I Am’ statements. Feel free to combine more than one concept or idea in each statement. You should have at least 5 statements, beginning with ‘I am”. (For the examples above, your statements would be ‘I am Health’ and ‘I am Honesty.’)

Step 4: Rank each order of these statements by numbering them from 1 (as the most powerful) to the least powerful/descriptive of the list.

Record your final ‘I Am’ statements, in rank order below, so you can refer to them later on.

Step 5: Finally, seriously consider all of your final ‘I Am’ statements in relation to how you currently live. And ask yourself:

What adjustments could you make?

How well do you currently bring who you are into everything you do?

Look at the different roles you play in your life. You may be a spouse, a parent, a child, a worker, a sibling, a friend, etc. Which roles do you believe are true to yourself, or where your true self shines? Which roles does your true self hide?

In other words: what color do you want your wings to be?

Or who are you… really?

XO

Holly

P.S. If you enjoyed this exercise, and want to go one step further, grab my 10 Question Toolkit. 

It will give you the skillset to not only manage the midlife mayhem—but master it.

GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Don’t Mess With a Menopausal Woman…

    Don’t Mess With a Menopausal Woman…

    by | May 3, 2023 | Blog

    Three Simple Ways To Honor The Struggle (Because Sometimes Life Sucks)

    Don’t mess with a menopausal woman who wants more for herself.

    … Is something my clients and I often joke about. 

    Because, the truth is, at our time of life? There’s SO much going on:

    • Hot flashes that soak the bed, or steam up your eyeglasses…
    • Parents aging, and demanding so much more from you…
    • Kids getting married, having babies—or leaving for college (and calling home when it’s not going so well…)

    When, all the while you think ‘this should be my time now’ (to figure out where you want to retire, how to navigate your divorce, or what to do next in your career).

    Yup, aging can be a reckoning alright. (Or as I like to call it: ‘a sh*tshow.’) 

    Or… As Glennon Doyle so eloquently put it: ‘I believe the spiritual/official explanation for a wise woman aging is: LOOK AT HER! SHE HAS RUNNETH OUT OF EFFS TO GIVE.’

    Well, for me, this only tells half the story… 

    Because, what if, despite the madness, you DO give an eff…? 

    What if you want to be ready for every curveball life throws at you (instead of cowering in the corner?) 

    What if you want to move into the next phase of life on YOUR terms—more powerfully than ever?!

    Well, I believe, a strong part of dealing with life’s uncertainties is realizing how to ‘Honor the Struggle.’ 

    (Because, as we’ve established, sh*t’s gonna get real. But, it’s how we deal with it that counts.)

    To help, I walk my clients through a 3-part process. And here I’ve simplified it for you:

    Part 1: Acceptance

    And all this means is: accepting where you’re at. 

    Simple right? 😉 (And not to be confused with ‘resigning.’ That’s very different.) 

    No, resignation is relinquishing your control. Quitting or succumbing to something less than desirable…

    This means if you can accept life’s curveballs, you can regain control over them, and increase the likelihood that you will recover—by embracing what actually is, and what needs to be done—rather than wishing for something to be different.  

    Part 2: Embrace an Experimental Mindset (and Build Self-Trust)

    Now, I expect across social media, or in the business world, you regularly see people embracing a ‘growth mindset.’ And I say, there’s nothing wrong with that…

    BUT, the plain simple truth is this: it’s easy to trust yourself when your plan is working, and everything’s going well. But learning to trust yourself under adversity is something very different…

    Building self trust comes from knowing you’re resilient—and can bounce back from anything. It comes from being able to accept, acknowledge or honor the struggle, yet respond to any situation as you need to. 

    (Now, here I will walk my clients through what might be blocking their energy, and how to handle them) but for now, use this takeaway: 

    An important part of trusting yourself when things are challenging is knowing ALL experiences have value—but it’s crucial that you release your expectations to any particular outcome. 

    Remember this: embrace an experimental mindset—and you can create purpose from everything that happens (even if things don’t go your way).

    Part 3: Look for a Purpose, Not a Reason

    Although the difference between the words ‘reason’ and ‘purpose’ may seem inconsequential, energetically they are light years apart—and easy to confuse.

    And here’s why: the person who looks for reason takes no responsibility in creating her future. More likely, she’s stuck in the past, asking why something happened… 

    Conversely, someone who’s looking for a purpose does so with an eye toward growth and expansion. 

    Take my Mom’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis for example. It could have been SO easy for me to look around and say: why the f*ck should my mother have Alzheimer’s? Why is this happening to me? 

    But if I look for the purpose instead of reason, I realize that this is the perfect thing to give a (recovering) control freak—because I have deep immersion, and no control over it.

    And there you have 3 reasons why I am totally about honoring the suck, validating it—and using it to better your life.

    So next time, you think: ‘Why is this happening to me?’ Flip the script to: ‘why is this happening for me?’

    Remember this: happiness is an inside job. And right now, you have an unbelievable amount of wisdom that’s come with age… 

    So don’t give up. Learn to trust yourself, embrace life’s difficulties, and you’ll discover courage you never knew you had. 

    Rooting for you,

    XO

    Holly 

    P.S. Want to go one step further and ignite a midlife reboot? Grab my 10 Question Toolkit. It’ll give you the skillset to not only manage the mayhem—but master it.

    GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW

     

     

     

     

     

     

       

       

       

       

       

       

      Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

      Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

      by | Mar 7, 2023 | Blog

      Pulling Back The Curtain..

      Let me tell you a little story about Vicky…

      Vicky’s been my client for many, many years. And in that time (she wouldn’t mind my telling you) her perspective’s done a 180°. 

      For years Vicky dreaded retiring. Her husband wanted to head to Florida—and hands down she didn’t. Her son was in New York, her daughter getting married. Vicky thought she’d be isolated, lonely, and at this time of her life? Really wasn’t grooving to a retirement state of mind… 

      But she took the plunge…

      And couldn’t have been more wrong.

      Now, if I Zoom Vicky, I can see the happiness in her eyes. She has more friends than ever, she’s at the beach every week, her daughter moved down with her grandson—and Vicky’s life is complete. 

      But all it took was a little bravery, and embracing the unknown.

      And then there’s Randy, who I’ve coached for nearly 5 years….

      When we met, Randy was divorced—and sworn off men. Romance was never a topic of conversation. She was closed to any possibility of love, or being in a relationship again. 

      Randy thought she was happy alone. (At least until she met David at a friend’s cocktail party…) 

      Randy’s 67.

      Or there’s Maggie, who in a matter of years, went from owning her own company, and all the prestige that comes with that—to uncovering chaos behind the scenes, making her escape, and building a new life for herself outside the corporate world.  

      Now Maggie’s connected to her purpose and (despite her children leaving home) blazes a trail on the board of a local college. 

      But, why am I telling you all this?

      Well, let me be clear with you here: these women might be my clients, but I can’t take ALL the credit for this. 

      Despite how this might read, it’s not like I spread magic dust on people. (If only it was that easy!)

      All of these women have been through a process. It takes time, and it’s super exciting to watch (especially as I struggle right now, to juggle homelife with the needs of my mom).

      No, the truth is Vicky, Randy and Maggie all have one big thing in common: they’re radically reframing aging.

      They refuse to be cow-towed by the media, bombarding us with pictures of youth and unrealistic expectations of beauty. They ignore the constant calls for botox, nips and tucks—and the need to hold onto some warped notion that success and happiness is the privilege of the young. 

      Now, of course this doesn’t come without apprehension. Yes, all of these women felt scared and nervous about the future. But they’ve stepped out of their comfort zones, embraced the unknown, and frankly…

      They’re killing it. 

      And they’re not the only ones… 

      Because I’m noticing a trend. Not only have many celebrity women stopped trying to hide their age (think of the ‘Sarah Jessica Parker Goes Gray!’ headlines that went viral last year) but they’re speaking up about the truth of midlife: that it can be more powerful and fulfilling than ever before. 

      Just get a load of this:

      ‘I think women come into their 40s—certainly mid-40s—and think, Oh, this is the beginning of the decline…things start to change and fade in directions that I don’t want them to go in anymore…  

      ‘But I’ve decided, no. We become more woman, more powerful, more sexy… We grow into ourselves more. We have opportunities to speak our mind and not be afraid of what people think of us. And not care what we look like so much.’

      • Kate Winslet, 47, on BBC’s Woman’s Hour. 

      Or as Glennon Doyle, 46, so fantastically puts it: 

      ‘Oh holy yes! Aging is the best thing to ever happen to me. Aging is unbecoming all the women I thought I was supposed to be, and breathing for God’s sake. 

      ‘Aging is like being one of those Russian nesting dolls and peeling off costumes one at a time-till I’m left as that little solid doll. Just that one. Nothing too big or wobbly.

      ‘I believe the spiritual/official explanation for a wise woman aging is: LOOK AT HER! SHE HAS RUNNETH OUT OF EFFS TO GIVE.
      ‘Beloveds in your twenties and thirties: It GETS BETTER!!!!!’

      And… she’s right. 

      It’s time to say enough is enough of that ‘I’m too old,’ ‘can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ mentality —

      It’s bullsh!t. 

      And probably one of midlife’s biggest, ugliest, craziest myths.

      And what’s more, believing myths around aging literally harms our health, and makes us more vulnerable to the fears we hold onto as we get older.

      But what can you do, day to day, to change your internal narrative around midlife. Well, you can start by remembering there are plenty of inspiring women who are choosing this path and then surround yourself with knowledge and support to age powerfully. 

      Know this: you’re not too old, and it’s never too late. 

      And, even if you can’t quite feel that ‘aging is the best thing to ever happen to you,’ taking a leaf out of Jamie Lee Curtis’s book is a not a bad place to start: 

      ‘My motto is, ‘If not now, when? And, if not me, who?’ And, that has unleashed me and freed me, and allowed me to do everything I’m doing with zero attachment.’

      • Jamie Lee Curtis, 64.

      Amen to that.

      XO 

      Holly

      P.S. On going gray, SJP said, ‘it became months and months of conversation about how brave I am for having gray hair… I was like, please please applaud someone else’s courage on something!

      ‘We spend so much time talking about the accumulation of time spent adding up in wrinkles, and it’s the weirdest thing that we don’t say it adds up to being better at your job, better as a friend, better as a daughter, better as a partner, better as a caregiver, better as a sister…’

      Yup, surround yourself with inspirational women—and the impact on your mindset, outlook and actions will be profound. 

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

         

         

         

         

         

         

        Midlife Game Changing Habits

        Midlife Game Changing Habits

        by | May 1, 2022 | Blog

        Top Five Strategies You Need To Know 

        ‘Holly, do you have any big strategies to navigate midlife? 

        ‘Y’know, the surefire, game-changing, non-negotiables that mean you’re always so on point?’

        Whoa. Now, there’s a question…

        And it’s probably the one I’m asked most — on the pickleball court, out to dinner with friends, by clients and colleagues…

        First — let’s get one thing straight, I am most definitely NOT ‘so on point…’ (!)

        Hey, I may be a Midlife Transition Coach, but I worry about my turkey neck as much as the next woman! I’m struggling to sleep through the night. Trying to figure out how to empty nest… gracefully.

        I too, question those goals I held for SO long, that sometimes feel flat and uninspiring… 

        Sure! We’re a boat load wiser. But if you find yourself wandering into the bedroom, forgetting why you’re there — and instead your thoughts turn to:

        >> Who the heck am I?

        >> What’s next?

        >> And how the hell do I begin to figure all this out?

        Then you need…

        The Top 5 Strategies To Thrive In Midlife Right Now 

        Yeah, that’s right: these are the non-negotiable, instrumental habits you need to adhere to IMMEDIATELY…

        No joke.

        Because ladies, I believe — no, I know — these habits are SO powerful, you’ll finally find your groove…  and forge your path towards a fuller, happier, more meaningful life. 

        (And hey, it’s what you’ve been asking for!)

        Because honestly? Let’s just not age gracefully. Let’s age powerfully…

        And dive right in!

        1. Keep Your Attitude in Check
          Even I find myself slipping into silly comments like: ’… well, I am an old lady.’ But, the more we indulge in that language, the more we give it mileage — the harder we’re making it for ourselves to switch gear and age optimally. 

        Energy attracts like energy.

        The truth is, we’re living longer fuller lives than ever before. There are inspiring women out there absolutely killing it in midlife, knocking it outta the park! So, instead of  indulging in negative language, flip the script to stories of strong, vibrant, engaging older women…

        And surround yourself with as much knowledge and education to live your life more powerfully.

        Check out this podcast: Radically Reframing Aging, and hear Maria Shriver discuss how we can all live our healthiest, most joyful lives as we grow older.

        1. Embrace The Now
          (Or, in short — if not now, when?)

        If there’s one thing the pandemic taught us, it’s not to hang around. I’ve worked with so many women who have had the rug pulled out from under them — diagnosed suddenly with breast cancer, diabetes, or their husbands get sick…

        You might remember last year my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It’s brutal. And I don’t know how long it’s gonna last…

        But I can’t live in a state of inertia thinking ‘once she has full time help’ or ‘once she’s in assisted living, well, then I can focus on xyz.’ I can’t wait, and I can’t put things off. I have to honor the fact it’s all consuming, accept it, yet still move forward.

        If we don’t start rockin’ and rolling now, then when will we?

        1. Treat Life As An Experiment
          It’s easy to get stuck in a rut — what we eat, how we exercise, even the makeup we use! (Am I right?) But our bodies have changed, our metabolism’s not so fired up, and chances are what worked in our 20s or 30s just ain’t gonna cut it. 

        It’s time to shake things up…

        You have GOT to have an experimental mindset.

        For example, I just don’t have the stamina that I used to. Honestly, the sh*t I could get done in a day… I’d whizz my daughter to dance class, get to the shops, see clients. Now? I just want to chill a little bit.

        So, I’ve switched up my day. I do deep work in the morning. And at 3, 4pm, I honor my need to rest. I’ll take the dogs for a walk, meditate, connect with a friend for coffee. And maybe then when I’ve done those things to nourish my soul — I’ll see an evening client.

        Try some new things on for size –experiment– not every action you take will be a home run but wisdom gained revealing what feels right, purposeful and fulfilling to you.

        1. Rewire Your Inner Dialogue
          Let’s cut to the chase here. You’ve already spent half your life beating yourself up, telling yourself you aren’t enough. Do you really wanna be 80 — and still judging yourself? 

        Or, looking back on your life wishing you’d been more present with your children, partner… but you were just too damn wrapped up and consumed by your own thoughts?

        Y’know, I’m just so done with it…

        Ladies, it’s time to let go of those old stories holding you back. Next time you hear that inner critic tell you you’re ‘less than’ say to yourself: ‘I’ve got this. I’m committed to my growth.’ Or ‘I’m discovering day-by-day what my goals and priorities are.’

        … And shut down that negative talk in its tracks.

        1. Cultivate Connection
          Most research will say, the number 1 predictor of happiness is the quality of our social relationships. Take this from an introvert! (Or rather a social introvert — I love people, but can handle them better in smaller groups…) 😉

        But, that being said…

        Here, we’re talking positive relationships. The ones that inspire, support, and challenge us. A diverse network — whether that’s seeing your best friend for lunch, or clicking with a virtual Mastermind group. Connecting with your sister, or a work colleague living overseas…

        These things keep us sharp, our wellbeing intact. They light us up.

        Because the truth is, the struggle is real. Midlife is tough. There’s no denying it. But I know with my whole being, that if you can adapt your habits and mindset to embrace these changes — you will reap the difference in your life…

        And glide into the next phase, with power, purpose and meaning. On your terms. 

        XO

        Holly

        P.S. Tell me, what are your top strategies for dealing with the chaos of midlife? Which older women truly inspire you? Comment below (or drop me an email) I’d absolutely love to know! 

        How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

        How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

        by | Apr 1, 2022 | Blog

        Three Simple Steps To Being Your Own BFF

         

        Let me be honest with you. For 2, 3 months last year — I was in the zone… 

        My kids were in college doing their thing. I could finally give everything to my career, to my clients. Workwise, it was all coming together. 

        You know that feeling, right? ‘This is great. This is really f*cking great.’

        And as you know from last month’s post I’m a recovering perfectionist…

        Well, let’s FF a little… through Thanksgiving and Spring break. 

        My semi-non-independent kids landed on the mat. My mother’s alzheimer’s diagnosis began seeping through the cracks — 

        Think wandering lost in a neighborhood she no longer recognizes. Panicked calls that scare me out of my mind…

        And suddenly all the boundaries that were working so well for me, the mojo I’d rediscovered — BOOM. 

        Gone.

        EVERYTHING sucked out of me.

        And this got me thinking — what do YOU do, or say to yourself when the $h*t hits the fan? When you realize, between empty nesting and aging parents, you’re at the height of your own midlife angst? 

        Don’t you ever feel like it’s time to give yourself a break? Like, you’re just being a little too hard on yourself? 

        I know I do.

        (And as a coach, I really should know better…)

        It’s a universal truth. Because, let’s face it ladies, we’re great at dishing out compassion for everyone else, but for ourselves? 

        We’re our own worst critics. 

        So, this month we’re turning our attention to the science of self-compassion. How to deal with setbacks, failures, bumps and bruises — because when you put yourself out there, that’s what’s gonna happen.  

        But first, let’s expand on last month’s post for a moment. [Missed it? You can read it here.] If you’re trying your damnedest to flip that script from perfectionist to optimalist — and finding it’s not quite that easy — I hear you. 

        Rerouting toxic thinking (when it’s been your default perfectionist mechanism for so long) is super difficult… 

        And we make it DOUBLY harder by believing self-compassion is a self-indulgent weakness that leads to complacency or laziness…

        ABSOLUTELY. NOT. TRUE.

        The real truth? The less we sugarcoat, and honor our feelings, the more we’ll strategically and accurately move forward in life. After all, if you keep minimizing your emotions, how can you possibly resolve them?  

        And THIS is where the science of self-compassion is a game-changer. 

        So let’s dive right in —

        Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism. Especially women. 

        And this in turn breaks down our wellbeing. 

        Conversely, self-compassion builds us back up. It’s a source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. 

        And it all boils down to 3 main practices: 

        1. Self Kindness. Yes, it’s as simple as it sounds. All this means is when you feel yourself slipping into toxic ruminating thinking, talk to yourself as you would a dear friend (or child). Be kind to yourself! 

        (I mean come on, would we ever tell our child, husband or friend: just give it up. You should not even bother going to college. Y’know what? You suck at football. Forget it.)

        Yet, that inner voice does it to ourselves all the time…

        2. Embrace what Kristen calls ‘Common Humanity.’ You’re not alone. We ALL experience challenging times. If you’re anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, feeling less — you’re human. The only people who don’t experience painful emotions are psychopaths (or dead people) so remind yourself — it’s okay not to feel okay. (In fact it’s very normal.)

        And if you’re feeling this way — let me validate the hell out of you. Remind you that you have the fortitude to push through this. Heck, you deserve to push through this… 

        3. Take a balanced approach to negative emotions, so your feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. In short, notice the struggle that’s arising. Acknowledge and strive to understand it. And better support yourself to move forward. 

        Don’t allow yourself to get stuck, brooding in chaos… 

        Yes, it sucks that my mother has alzheimers. Unimaginably. And I’ll honor that at my core — but I’ve got to remember there’s no point in ruminating on it. That is never going to serve me.  

        So, next time you hear the voice of self-criticism, get smart AND strategic. 

        How? Start by rubbing your goals and aspirations up against reality… 

        For me this means having the support to STOP being superwoman. Sharing the struggle with my girlfriends or husband. Being a cheerleader for myself — remembering to talk to myself as I would a friend or a client…

        ‘Holly, this is super hard. But you can do this.’ 

        Because, here’s the deal. Anyone who’s achieved greatness will tell you the road to success and wellbeing is anything but easy…

        And whether you’re actively moving from perfectionist to optimialist (or simply staying committed to the best version of yourself) flipping that script from self-criticism to self-compassion will help you navigate the toughest times. 

        Ladies, it’s time to stop getting in your way and become your own biggest cheerleader.  Martyrdom is getting old. 

        XO 

        Holly 

        P.S. What self-critical narratives have you been telling yourself — and how are you planning to flip that script? I’d love to support you through this journey… hit reply and let me know.