The Dreaded ‘Trifecta of Midlife’ (and what you can do about it)

The Dreaded ‘Trifecta of Midlife’ (and what you can do about it)

by | Dec 1, 2023 | Blog

Why Do So Many Women Feel Irrelevant In Midlife 

I remember the first time it happened. 

I was standing in line at the bagel store looking down at my phone, when a voice in front of me called out—

“Can I help you Ma’am?”

Huh?

I turned around — 

And I’m thinking, ‘Who? Me? Ma’am?! Who’s ‘Ma’am?’

I was wearing sunglasses for heaven’s sake!

I’d just been working out. I had a vest on, my hair scrunched up on top of my head. 

Wow. Is it my hair? Is it my posture? What is it about me that looks so much older? (Yup, all these thoughts flashed through my mind in a nanosecond.)

“Ma’am?!” (He was getting impatient now.) “How can I help you?”

So, I sighed. And took a step forward in line—both literally, and metaphorically. 

Because somehow I’d moved up a notch. 

I was officially middle aged.  

And for a moment, that feeling my clients talk about so often flashed into my mind: 

‘I feel invisible. And irrelevant.’

Now, I’m okay sharing this with you because I know you feel the same. 

When? 

Every time you look in the mirror, second guess your dress choice—and that inner critic screams ‘you’re way too old for that!’ 

Every time you glance down at your stretch marks, and pull that coverup over your bikini…

Every time you walk past a construction site—and don’t get wolf-whistled. 

(C’mon… admit it! And yes, the feminist in me hated it too when I was younger.)

But all this is no surprise, because our youth obsessed society conditions us to believe that our relevance is attached to how attractive we are — 

Or how much attention we get from men.

But here’s the thing…

While that may be one reason, to pin it all on this is to do ourselves a disservice. Because irrelevance in midlife is about so much more than mere attractiveness…

And in fact, after a decade of hearing my clients agonize over this, I can tell you it comes down to not 1, but 3 universal truths (and my own personal spin on it…)

So, let’s start from the top…  

1. Our Youth Obsessed Culture

Washed up. Dried out. And my own personal favorite, ‘spinster.’ 

Yikes. Over the years there have been some damn offensive terms for a woman of a certain age (especially if she’d never been married). 

And although those terms are outdated now, you could argue they’ve been replaced by something else—a youth obsessed culture that tells us we have so much less to give physically or sexually…

Our social media feeds are full of makeup, hair extensions, and tight dewy skin. Lunch hour ‘botox-breaks’ are the norm. Younger women snap at the heels of our career…

Whoa. It’s no surprise that many of us still think our relevance is defined by how attractive men find us. 

Especially when you wake up and realize… 

2. You Don’t Feel ‘Middle Aged’

Just like my bagel-boy example above, the truth is middle age creeps up on us—then slaps us in the face with a jar of Pond’s cold cream. 

My point? It feels like only last week I was a ‘miss’—and now I’m a ‘Ma’am.’ (And an ex-runner turned Peloton obsessive, with two hip replacements to boot.) 

WTAF? 

Now, however middle-aged is ‘supposed’ to feel, I’m not feeling it. And neither is anyone around me…

(Heck, even Carrie Bradshaw and co are struggling.)

3. Your Life is Changing Up

Children leaving home, going to college and getting married…

Parents aging—and needing so much more from us…

Technology, AI and feeling like we can’t keep up… 

Good and bad, wherever we look, the world—and our lives—are changing. 

And when you throw menopause into the mix, well, you could say the very definition of midlife is ‘change.’

Physically and mentally, midlife throws so much more at us than we bargained for… 

And that brings me to bonus point number 4, or my own personal take on this… 

Your Way Forward Has Disappeared. And There Is No Roadmap…

Here’s the deal: most of us have spent our lives putting others first. We’ve been the perfect wife, mother or daughter for so long… 

We’ve been to college, raised families, and had successful careers. 

In fact, we’ve been spoon fed since day one what we should and shouldn’t be doing, how we can excel, how we should operate as women. And I strongly believe us Gen-Xers, the late baby boomers have had the worst of it.  

In short? We’ve had many, many decades of putting ourselves in a box of what everyone else should expect us to do.

We’ve never tapped into our true, authentic self. We’ve never found out what our preferences might actually be. (Or we abandoned them for family and work.)

We’ve played nice and not ruffled any feathers.

And as a result? When our children leave home, or career changes up, we feel tired and irrelevant…

Our purpose has vanished…

And we find ourselves asking… 

“Who am I anyway?” 

Maybe this resonates?

Well, if it does, know this, you are definitely not alone. (In fact, I can’t tell you how many clients come to me with those exact same feelings.) 

But here’s the deal: it doesn’t have to be that way. And it’s never too late to flip the script on this.

The Secret? Learn How To Invest in Yourself in Midlife

Now, don’t get me wrong. This isn’t easy when you’ve spent a lifetime thinking about the wants, needs and preferences of others…

But this is your time now.  

And you must take these steps. Because every single woman I know who overcomes her feelings of irrelevance is invested in her own self development—they focus on their personal growth, they work out what their interests might be, they take up new hobbies. 

They refuse to buy into our youth obsessed culture—because they know it’s just one narrative. Online, they follow women who inspire them, and light them up. They embrace an Experimental Mindset. 

They know their world is there to be shaped, and they refuse to give in…

And second? They stay connected. They join clubs, and move amongst people who see them for what they truly are. They feel seen, heard, and relevant.

In fact, this is the exact reason I don’t feel irrelevant. (Well, at least until some young server dares to call me ‘Ma’am.’ 😉

Seriously now. I’ve done the legwork, I have exposure to so many tools to help me, and I’m lucky to be in this industry.

And the reason I don’t have that piece is because I’ve built a very strong sense of self. 

I know who I am. 

And I’m here to help you feel the same. 

XO 

Holly 

P.S. If you’re reading this thinking, ‘but Holly, I’ve no idea what my own preferences and needs, wants and desires might be!’ My 10 Question Toolkit is a great place to start. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prescription For Self-Love

Prescription For Self-Love

by | Feb 1, 2020 | Blog

Selfulness

The evidence is clear, research supports our social relationships are the most powerful predictor of happiness. Whether you consider yourself an extrovert or an introvert, there’s tons of evidence supporting that the common thread amongst “happy” people is that they all have broad social networks and positive relationships with those people in their networks. And to be clear here, we’re not talking about quantity but rather the quality of our social relationships in all areas of our life; work, community, personal, intimate and moreover with ourselves. As without love of self there is no basis to start from, self-love is the pre-condition to loving others. Understandably though for some, the act of practicing self-love can feel initially uncomfortable, and overly self-indulgent but self-love is not to be confused with self-centeredness. Rather self-love is more about thinking about the “me” so that you can build a strong “we”.

I was recently introduced to the word “selfulness”. As you can see it’s a play on words, it’s definition in the urban dictionary is used to describe a person that creates a balance between caring for themselves along with others. With contemporary western culture often plagued by the schism between love of self (egoism or selfishness) and love of others (altruistic or selflessness), the word selfulness I think is a great way to capture a way of being where we extend how we relate to ourselves towards others as well. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it, how can we have loving, positive relationships with others if we don’t practice a healthy relationship with ourselves? A great analogy for this is when we hear the infamous instructions of flight attendants reminding us to first put on our oxygen mask before helping others in case of an emergency landing. Why is this an important rule for ensuring everyone’s survival? Because if you run out of oxygen, you can’t help anyone else with their oxygen mask. This is a perfect metaphor to consider especially for women as we are notoriously known to put our self-care and needs on the back burner.

Learning to love oneself is a key ingredient to greater happiness. Self-love is at the very core of well-being, joy and empowerment. If we don’t care for ourselves we limit our success in all aspects of our lives; experiencing burnout, fatigue, reduced mental effectiveness, health problems, anxiety, stress, and heightened frustration. It’s time to let go of the guilt and the excuses, put your oxygen mask on first and start practicing a little more self-love in your life.

 SELF-LOVE PRACTICES

 #1 Recognize Your Own Good Qualities– Many of us have the tendency to focus on what it is that we aren’t enough of. Defaulting to negative self-talk is one of the least loving things you can do for yourself. So today, right now, take a few minutes to make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Think of physical attributes, mental or emotional strengths, successes you’ve experienced, the way you support your friends and family, or anything else. Make your list as long as possible, and keep adding to it. Go to people you trust and ask them what they’d list as your positive characteristics. You may be surprised to find out that people see a lot more of your strengths than you realize.

#2 Treat Yourself With The Same Level Of Kindness & Respect You Do For Others You Love- You know how you treat someone you really care about, the way you love  and support that person and treat him or her with kindness and respect? Well, do that for yourself and just as you’d challenge a close friend who’s making bad decisions with his or her life, challenge yourself as well. Remind yourself just as you would a good friend of your worth as an individual and that you deserve great things in your life. Resist the tendency for settling for less, encourage yourself as you would someone you love to challenge yourself to achieve the best life possible.

#3 Give Attention To Your Needs And Desires– This may sound a bit silly, but some people really don’t know what they want and need. They can go through their entire adult lives never stopping to self-assess and check in with how they are truly doing. One of the best ways to love yourself is to carve out some time weekly to answer honestly how you are feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually. Some great questions to consider: 

  • Do you feel significant/loved/respected?
  • Are you allowing companionship to lift and enlighten your life?
  • Do you feel in control of how you react to situations in your life?
  • Are you treating your body well (i.e. sleep, diet, exercise, necessary doc apps, stress management)?
  • Do you feel a sense of inner-peace and calmness?
  • Do you have a sense of purpose and appreciation for your place in this world?

Now take it one step further and ask yourself, how can you, at this very moment, take better care of yourself, so that you have more to give instead of less?  Remember self-love may start with the “me” but it ends with a “we”. In the spirit of Valentines Day, a holiday many of us designate as time to express love to those near and dear to us, I’m going to ask you do the same for yourself!

 Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

-Holly-

 

Failing Is The New Black

Failing Is The New Black

by | Nov 1, 2019 | Blog

Learn To Fail Or Fail To Learn

Here I was thinking I had such a catchy title, “Failing Is The New Black”, but when I googled it, literally tons of articles with the same or similar title came up. Thus, my point…failing is in! As much as it hurts to fail, it is an important part of life. In fact, it’s an  absolute must if you want to be successful. Simply said, failure teaches us in ways success cannot. If you’re not failing you’re likely not growing. The time has come to starting failing more!

If you really want to understand what it takes to succeed, bottom-line you need to rethink your relationship with failure and start embracing it more. Because as anyone who’s achieved something great will tell you, the road to success, with very few exceptions, is anything but a straight line. Though we all have been conditioned since a young age to equate failing with weakness there now is another school of thought which teaches that the path to success goes through failure, and that it is almost necessary to stumble and fall on your path to getting what you want. So here are some reasons that you shouldn’t fear failure, but rather embrace it.

1. Failure helps you refine your process -As Thomas Edison said it best, “I have not failed I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Use your failures as stepping-stones to evolve to the next best version of yourself, becoming increasingly more equipped and skilled, so you get it better the next time.

2. Failure makes you resilient -Every time we overcome something that is challenging to us but where we ultimately prevail, we build our resilience a little bit more. As a result we become more strong, increasing our ability to then withstand even greater challenges. 

3. Failure is inevitable, perfection is impossible –If you research the stories of the most successful people of our time, you’ll find they, too, have failed. It was failure that produced the success stories of people like Michael Jordon, Steve Jobs, Oprah Winfrey, and Walt Disney, just to name a few. It’s all apart of the process, no one goes from 0 to 100 overnight.

4. Failure helps you reach your potential – Extraordinary things will only happen as a result of extraordinary efforts. Embracing failure rather than avoiding it creates the conditions we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zones. Otherwise, we will be more inclined to only work within them. To bring out the best in us-reach our greater potential-we must have a “no fear” attitude towards failure, allowing us to detach from the outcomes, knowing regardless of what comes, success is already in the works just by the sheer nature of trying.

Let’s face it, the sweetest victories are the ones that are the most difficult. When things come too easily, we don’t appreciate our achievements. You deserve to be proud of what you’ve done, and unfortunately that pride comes in no small part from the knowledge that you’ve overcome challenges and failures to arrive there. Don’t be afraid to fail, be afraid of not trying!

Wishing You the Very Best Of Success

-Holly-

 

Embrace A Mastery Mindset

Embrace A Mastery Mindset

by | Sep 2, 2017 | Blog

Mastery Mindset…

The Essential Key To Success

September 2017 Insights

Newsletter after newsletters after newsletter, I have spent the past six years sharing a host of insights and considerations all in an effort to support women in their endeavors to obtain and sustain a life they love living. However, I’ve neglected to address the heart and soul from where I believe greater success and happiness is truly rooted…the cultivation of a mastery mindset. (more…)