3 Ways To Kick Your Inner Critic To The Curb…

3 Ways To Kick Your Inner Critic To The Curb…

by | Feb 8, 2023 | Blog

Gremlins + Bratz Dolls

Growing up, I never felt smart enough.

Next to my high achieving sisters everything for me was just that little bit harder… 

(And of course being dyslexic didn’t exactly help.)

Later, as a young, ambitious freshman enrolled at Emerson College my confidence took another knock when my heavy Noo Yawk accent and I were laughed out of the studio: ‘you sound like a cartoon character!’

… And my hopes of being a Broadcast Journalist were squashed.

Now, all that ultimately led to my becoming a qualified therapist and coach—and my life infinitely changed for the better. 

BUT… 

Every so often that feeling of inadequacy rears its ugly head—and I have moments of crippling self-doubt. 

Maybe you can relate? 

>> ‘You’re just not good enough…’ 

>> ‘Who are you kidding? At this stage of life?! You’re way too old…’ 

>> ‘No-one’s really interested in anything I have to say.’ 

Yup, I’ll bet that good ol’ Inner Critic just loves to whisper its sweet nothings in your ear—shaking your confidence and making you feel… irrelevant. 

Stronger than those 4 other energy blocks (Outer Blocks, Limiting Beliefs, Disempowering Assumptions or False Interpretations) our Inner Critic is mighty hard to silence.

It’s insidious…

It’s instinctual… 

And it runs a helluva lot deeper than the others. 

In fact, author and revolutionary thinker Lou Tice gave it a name—and put it far better than I ever could:

The Gremlin

 I am Fear

I am the menace that lurks in the paths of life, never visible

to the eye but sharply felt in the heart.

I am the father of despair, the brother of procrastination, the enemy of progress, the tool of tyranny.

Born of ignorance and nursed on misguided thought, I have

darkened more hopes, stifled more ambitions, shattered more ideals and prevented more accomplishments than history could record.

Like the changing chameleon, I assume many disguises.

I masquerade as caution

I am sometimes known as doubt or worry.

But whatever I’m called, I am still fear, the obstacle of achievement.

I know no master but one; its name is Understanding.

I have no power but what the human mind gives me, and I 

vanish completely when the light of 

Understanding reveals the facts as they are for I am

really nothing.

So, what can you do to deal with your Inner Critic (or banish your Gremlin, as Lou Tice called it) from your life, once and for all?

Well, the first thing to remember is: don’t try to suppress your Inner Critic. Ignoring it is not the same as dealing with it (and it just gives it permission to pop up at the most challenging moments in your life.)

Instead, you need to recognize it, learn from it, and leave your Inner Critic behind. 

And here are 3 ways I help my clients do just that:

  • Identify Your Inner Critic/Gremlin. 

Give it a name (but don’t choose the name of someone you know). Then, draw, create, or find a representation of it. 

And why does this work? 

Well, once you can see your Inner Critic as separate to yourself, you’ll have an ability to disregard it—and not allow it to own you.

  • Record Your Inner Critic In Real Time. 

Try not to push it away. Instead, over a week or two, listen to it and ask yourself: ‘If your thoughts had words, what would they be saying?’

Identify those common words, or themes. Do any come up repeatedly? Do they sound like someone from your past who was critical of you?

  • Face Up To Your Inner Critic.

And ask yourself… 

‘How would your success be different if your Inner Critic was quietened?’ *

‘What will you do next time _____ shows up for you?’

* Remember, this is not the same as suppressing your Inner Critic! No, this asks how life would be different, if you could calmly recognize its voice—and had the control to leave it behind. 

Now, you may find, these exercises are not easy to do on your own. For many of my clients, it takes weeks of soul searching and real deep inner-work to get a strong sense of who your Inner Critic is—before you can even think about outing it. 

Because here’s the truth… 

Many of us don’t even realize when our Inner Critic takes over—or how damaging it may be to live with this voice, that slowly picks us apart. 

It’s become instinctual. 

But, with time and care, the exercises above WILL help you break those destructive patterns of behavior…

Kick your Inner Critic to the curb….

And regain your control over your thoughts—and this next glorious stage of life.

XO 

Holly

P.S. Remember Rebecca? Yep, she’s my Inner Critic, my Gremlin. If you’d like to see how I deal with her—and dig even deeper into ‘outing’ your Inner Critic in the process—you can read about her here. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

    How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

    by | Apr 1, 2022 | Blog

    Three Simple Steps To Being Your Own BFF

     

    Let me be honest with you. For 2, 3 months last year — I was in the zone… 

    My kids were in college doing their thing. I could finally give everything to my career, to my clients. Workwise, it was all coming together. 

    You know that feeling, right? ‘This is great. This is really f*cking great.’

    And as you know from last month’s post I’m a recovering perfectionist…

    Well, let’s FF a little… through Thanksgiving and Spring break. 

    My semi-non-independent kids landed on the mat. My mother’s alzheimer’s diagnosis began seeping through the cracks — 

    Think wandering lost in a neighborhood she no longer recognizes. Panicked calls that scare me out of my mind…

    And suddenly all the boundaries that were working so well for me, the mojo I’d rediscovered — BOOM. 

    Gone.

    EVERYTHING sucked out of me.

    And this got me thinking — what do YOU do, or say to yourself when the $h*t hits the fan? When you realize, between empty nesting and aging parents, you’re at the height of your own midlife angst? 

    Don’t you ever feel like it’s time to give yourself a break? Like, you’re just being a little too hard on yourself? 

    I know I do.

    (And as a coach, I really should know better…)

    It’s a universal truth. Because, let’s face it ladies, we’re great at dishing out compassion for everyone else, but for ourselves? 

    We’re our own worst critics. 

    So, this month we’re turning our attention to the science of self-compassion. How to deal with setbacks, failures, bumps and bruises — because when you put yourself out there, that’s what’s gonna happen.  

    But first, let’s expand on last month’s post for a moment. [Missed it? You can read it here.] If you’re trying your damnedest to flip that script from perfectionist to optimalist — and finding it’s not quite that easy — I hear you. 

    Rerouting toxic thinking (when it’s been your default perfectionist mechanism for so long) is super difficult… 

    And we make it DOUBLY harder by believing self-compassion is a self-indulgent weakness that leads to complacency or laziness…

    ABSOLUTELY. NOT. TRUE.

    The real truth? The less we sugarcoat, and honor our feelings, the more we’ll strategically and accurately move forward in life. After all, if you keep minimizing your emotions, how can you possibly resolve them?  

    And THIS is where the science of self-compassion is a game-changer. 

    So let’s dive right in —

    Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism. Especially women. 

    And this in turn breaks down our wellbeing. 

    Conversely, self-compassion builds us back up. It’s a source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. 

    And it all boils down to 3 main practices: 

    1. Self Kindness. Yes, it’s as simple as it sounds. All this means is when you feel yourself slipping into toxic ruminating thinking, talk to yourself as you would a dear friend (or child). Be kind to yourself! 

    (I mean come on, would we ever tell our child, husband or friend: just give it up. You should not even bother going to college. Y’know what? You suck at football. Forget it.)

    Yet, that inner voice does it to ourselves all the time…

    2. Embrace what Kristen calls ‘Common Humanity.’ You’re not alone. We ALL experience challenging times. If you’re anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, feeling less — you’re human. The only people who don’t experience painful emotions are psychopaths (or dead people) so remind yourself — it’s okay not to feel okay. (In fact it’s very normal.)

    And if you’re feeling this way — let me validate the hell out of you. Remind you that you have the fortitude to push through this. Heck, you deserve to push through this… 

    3. Take a balanced approach to negative emotions, so your feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. In short, notice the struggle that’s arising. Acknowledge and strive to understand it. And better support yourself to move forward. 

    Don’t allow yourself to get stuck, brooding in chaos… 

    Yes, it sucks that my mother has alzheimers. Unimaginably. And I’ll honor that at my core — but I’ve got to remember there’s no point in ruminating on it. That is never going to serve me.  

    So, next time you hear the voice of self-criticism, get smart AND strategic. 

    How? Start by rubbing your goals and aspirations up against reality… 

    For me this means having the support to STOP being superwoman. Sharing the struggle with my girlfriends or husband. Being a cheerleader for myself — remembering to talk to myself as I would a friend or a client…

    ‘Holly, this is super hard. But you can do this.’ 

    Because, here’s the deal. Anyone who’s achieved greatness will tell you the road to success and wellbeing is anything but easy…

    And whether you’re actively moving from perfectionist to optimialist (or simply staying committed to the best version of yourself) flipping that script from self-criticism to self-compassion will help you navigate the toughest times. 

    Ladies, it’s time to stop getting in your way and become your own biggest cheerleader.  Martyrdom is getting old. 

    XO 

    Holly 

    P.S. What self-critical narratives have you been telling yourself — and how are you planning to flip that script? I’d love to support you through this journey… hit reply and let me know.