Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

by | Oct 5, 2023 | Blog

4-Part Prescription For Cultivating Self-Love

‘Change of season, change of perspective…’ 

Was the thought in the back of my mind when I sat down to complete my Values Assessment for the nth time.

But I hadn’t bargained on exactly how much of a change it would be… 

Now, before I go any further, I should explain that a Values Assessment is a tool I use with all my clients, and something I encourage them to come back to, at least annually. 

And the Fall run up to the Holidays is the perfect time for this, because it forces us to turn our attention to ourselves—and lays valuable groundwork for January’s habit of setting goals and starting afresh.

(If you’ve never done one before, you can read more about that here.)

Now, I’ve been completing Values Assessments for as long as I’ve been a life coach (that’s well over a decade). And to put this into perspective, I’ve never uncovered the insight I discovered last week, namely that…

Self-Love is now my highest priority.  

And this got me thinking: why is this such a surprise for me, especially given I’m a Women’s Transformational Life-Coach? 

Well, the answer is right there…  

Why is Self-Love So Hard for Women To Achieve? 

Yup the truth is Self-Love is something almost impossible for us women to cultivate.

It feels self-indulgent… 

Selfish even…

And fact is, we’re just not socialized that way. 

Instead, we’re the life-bearers, the life-givers. We’re self-less. We put everyone else before ourselves, solve everyone else’s problems before our own…

And spend way too much time comparing our imaginary flaws to everyone else’s imaginary perfections. 

So that makes it even more impossible to suddenly be like ‘hey, I’m gonna love myself!’ 

And all that got me thinking… 

What if there was a prescription for Self-Love? A simple formula we could tap into whenever we need a little TLC? 

Well, that’s why after years of writing, speaking and working with women on this topic I’ve taken everything I’ve learned (including a bunch of lessons I’ve already shared with you) and rolled it up into one simple prescription that you can call on whenever the chips are down, and you need a little care and attention. 

And here is it… 

The 4-Part Prescription for Lasting Self-Love

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Put simply this is all about letting go of the perfectionist mindset we’ve been spoon-fed from day 1, and move ourselves towards an optimialist perspective. 

So what does that look like?

Well, The ‘Perfectionist’ is SO on point she fails to embrace reality. She’ll work 16 hours a day, AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect mother/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

Maybe this resonates? 

The ‘Optimialist’ on the other hand, is healthy and striving—but uses these high standards to fuel her growth. 

In other words, she rubs her vision up against reality. She aspires to be her best—within reason. And she understands that there are only so many hours in the day, and constructs a healthy optimal life within these boundaries. 

Now, you can read more about the difference here.

BUT. 

Essentially, part one of my 4-Part Process is about recognizing the difference between being a perfectionist or an optimialist. So you can move out of perfectionism and into Part 2 of my prescription… 

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism…

Which inevitably chips away at our wellbeing.

Now, self-compassion on the other hand, builds us back up. And it can be a great source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. 

And this is a 3-fold process: 

First, we must learn the practice of self-kindness…

Second, discover how to embrace our common humanity… 

And third, take a balanced approach to negative emotions.

Want to know more? You can read more about Kristen’s approach here. 

But, Part 2 really all boils down to this: being able to recognize when you’re falling into the trap of self-criticism and flipping that script to self-compassion. 

Part 3: Remember: That Manicure is Just a Myth

Now, I’ve talked about this before. (In fact, the Myth of a Manicure is probably one of my most popular emails.)

Why?

Well, it makes most women sit up and think. Reevaluate what true self-care really means for them. 

Because here’s what I like to tell them: 

Is it really fair to say getting a manicure, having a facial, or hanging out with friends is self-care?

Or can that be more accurately described as self-maintenance?

Now, don’t get me wrong I love getting massages, sitting down to read a great book or watching the latest episode of Ted Lasso.

(All of which certainly feel good in the moment but honestly short lived.)

But, if you want more bang for your buck like feeling:

  • More comfortable in your own skin
  • Confidence in who are and where you’re going
  • Energized and excited about your future

True self-care and self-love is going to have to include doing difficult things that our body, heart, and spirit need but may be hard… 

Like boundary setting, forgoing that second glass of wine, having that hard conversation, getting to bed earlier, or going for a mammogram.

Ugh. I know it’s not sexy. But unfortunately it’s essential.

(And if you’re not sure what that might be? Take the time to journal each day, and let what you really need bubble up to the surface.)

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

This last part is all about recognizing your own good qualities and strengths and building on those rather than focusing so much on weaknesses. 

And that starts with crushing the comparisonitis. 

Now, one way to press pause on this is to surround yourself with stories of women who truly inspire you.

And yes, I do this all the time! Some are my clients, and some are women out there right now, in the spotlight, who dare to radically reframe aging. 

Self-Love. If A Doctor Could Prescribe It… 

Here’s the thought I want to leave with you…

Self-love shouldn’t be something you feel ashamed of cultivating. 

It shouldn’t be something you’re surprised at feeling…

And you shouldn’t feel ashamed that it’s even on your radar.

(In fact, imagine if this was prescribed by a doctor?! I’d even go so far as to say I bet those prescriptions for Xanax or Zoloft would drop.)

Because it’s time to stop feeling less than, and embrace the love of you, now in this moment. 

I think you deserve that much… 

XO

Holly

P.S. QUICK RECAP… 

If you’d like to read up on any of any of the points I’ve made here in this prescription, here are the links you need: 

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Part 3: Remember! That Manicure is Just a Myth

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

 


                                                                                                                                 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    I AM…

    I AM…

    by | Jun 7, 2023 | Blog

    Who Are You? Really…?

    Here’s what I know to be true: every woman has wings. But some need help to color them in.

    Some are washed out. Some need to color over the lines. Others? A touch of glitter…

    Now, some clients, when they come to me, have incredible wings. Their feathers are bright. They sparkle (and they know it!)

    BUT… they’ve been clipped. They’re caged, and they’ve lost their voice.

    So, what do I mean by all this?

    Well, maybe life feels like a sh*tshow right now? Perhaps you woke up this morning and thought:

    • I’m so done with being someone’s puppet.
    • I’m f*cking clueless.
    • I haven’t had my voice for so long. 
    • I have no idea…
    • What do I really want?                                                                                                                                                                   

    Because here’s the truth: ALL of us, now and then, need help remembering who we are.

    Yes, that’s right. I don’t care how beautiful your wings are, or how you got here. Every woman comes to me at a different level—and could benefit from some more color, more life in her wings.

    Let’s try it out… 

    If I asked you ‘who are you?’ I expect your first thought would be to list what you do, or your relationship to other people: i.e. wife or mother, or your job title.  

    But these are labels defined by society, not the true essence of you. 

    So, what if you’re reading this and think: ‘Holly, I’ve spent so long looking after everyone else, I don’t know who I am. And I don’t know where to start…’

    Well, that’s where the ‘Who Am I?’ exercise comes in.

    Its purpose is simple: to understand how your strengths, gifts and values meld to form who you are.

    Because here’s the thing: every experience until this point has shaped your perception of the world…

    And that’s why midlife is the perfect time to find out what color you want your wings to be—or in other words, who you really are.

    So, grab a pen and paper, pour a glass of wine or a cup of tea, and work through the following questions:

     Step 1: Identify your key descriptors:

    • What are the 5-10 most important values in your life?
    • How would you describe the attributes you most like about yourself?
    • What do other people admire most about you—and what is the impact you have on them? 

    Hint: if you can’t objectively see your gifts and strengths, it can help to reach out to up to 5 people in various parts of your life, and ask what they see as your unique qualities, attributes, or characteristics. Ask, why do you mean so much to them? And how do you impact their life?

     (This also helps realize your impact, and gives you direction towards ‘who you are.’)

    • What core beliefs about life serve you best?
    • What makes you unique, or stand out from others?
    • What makes you feel most passionate, satisfied, and most fulfilled?
    • If you had to name one feeling that you would like to have most often, what would that be?

    Step 2: Put an X by the 5-10 most important words from the list you made, and convert those 5-10 descriptors to nouns. 

    (For example, if ‘being healthy’ is one of your key descriptors, convert to ‘health.’ If ‘honest’ is one, convert to ‘honesty.’)

    Step 3: Take these nouns and make them into ‘I Am’ statements. Feel free to combine more than one concept or idea in each statement. You should have at least 5 statements, beginning with ‘I am”. (For the examples above, your statements would be ‘I am Health’ and ‘I am Honesty.’)

    Step 4: Rank each order of these statements by numbering them from 1 (as the most powerful) to the least powerful/descriptive of the list.

    Record your final ‘I Am’ statements, in rank order below, so you can refer to them later on.

    Step 5: Finally, seriously consider all of your final ‘I Am’ statements in relation to how you currently live. And ask yourself:

    What adjustments could you make?

    How well do you currently bring who you are into everything you do?

    Look at the different roles you play in your life. You may be a spouse, a parent, a child, a worker, a sibling, a friend, etc. Which roles do you believe are true to yourself, or where your true self shines? Which roles does your true self hide?

    In other words: what color do you want your wings to be?

    Or who are you… really?

    XO

    Holly

    P.S. If you enjoyed this exercise, and want to go one step further, grab my 10 Question Toolkit. 

    It will give you the skillset to not only manage the midlife mayhem—but master it.

    GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

       

       

       

       

       

       

      Another Way To Kickstart The New Year

      Another Way To Kickstart The New Year

      by | Jan 4, 2023 | Blog

      Why I’m giving resolutions the 🖕

      Here’s a Quick Q: What does January mean to you?

      • A fresh start? Intangible excitement and anticipation? The feeling that ‘this year everything will be different…’
      • Resolutions and goal setting? Dusting off that yoga mat. Scrolling through your phone contacts to see who you missed last year—convinced that this will be the time for a long lost dinner date… 
      • Or… short days and long dark evenings? (And the silent dread of that post-holiday credit card statement arriving in  the mailbox.)

      Perhaps, if you’re honest, it’s a mixture of all three… 

      But, right now, whether waiting in line at the supermarket or scrolling your phone, all you see are headlines screaming at you to—

      Crush 2023!

      Hit The New Year Running!

      Find Your Purpose! 

      New Year, New You, right?

      Erm, wrong.

      Now, I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer on all this. Sure, it works for some of us (even though 80% of resolutions are forgotten by February). And reinventing ourselves positively towards the future can only be a good thing, right?

      Well, truth is I find this all a little nauseating. 

      Take ‘finding your purpose’ for example… Dig a little deeper, and chances are you’ll discover purpose in many aspects of your life. (Because truth is, in midlife? What your purpose is today, may not be tomorrow.)

      So, if we’re not talking about #Resolutions, #GoalSetting or #FindingYourWow what on Earth can we do to kickstart January? 

      Well, I believe it’s time for a non-traditional route…

      Yup. It’s time to talk pleasure and joy.

      And there are 3 big reasons why this is SO important for women in midlife: 

      1. Much has shifted and changed in our lives. It’s easy to lose sight of what really brings us pleasure and joy—when we were busy checking ALL the boxes we were told to… 

      2. In putting everyone else first, we rarely give ourselves time to honor what truly makes us happy. 

      3. We’ve forgotten how to get in touch with pleasure or joy. Yet in the doldrums of winter, feeling burnt out, an emphasis on both can help you climb over that hump—and into spring. 

      So, how can YOU unlock more pleasure and joy in your life? 

      Well, let me ask you 3 simple questions:

      • What fills you up?
      • What warms your heart?
      • What makes you laugh? 

      Now, my guess is, you’ve spent so long with your own needs on the backburner that it’s hard for you to extend yourself—and truly answer these questions. 

      It might be helpful to ask yourself, ‘when do I find myself smiling? What makes me laugh out loud?’ These simple cues can pinpoint what makes you tick, and what actually lights you up… 

      Now, take these cues and translate them into tangible things that actually bring you pleasure and joy.

      For example, hanging out with my dogs brings me tremendous joy. For you it might be watching the sunset, connecting with friends, curling up with a good book, sex…(!) 

      Fact: uncovering pleasure and joy leads to greater happiness in our lives. 

      Because here’s the deal:

      Life is challenging. But you don’t have to sit in the heaviness 24/7. 

      Finding joy gives you a chance for reprieve, to regroup, and fortify your stamina…

      And then, if you want to put it towards those goals? Be my guest 😉

      XO

      Holly

      P.S. It’s not unusual to feel disconnected, feeling it’s impossible to uncover what brings you pleasure and joy in life? No worries. Schedule a free discovery call—and I’ll help you discover what lights you up.

       

       

       

       

       

       

         

         

         

         

         

         

        Setting The Stage For A Great Day

        Setting The Stage For A Great Day

        by | Feb 2, 2021 | Blog

        The Power Of Bookending Your Days

        The number one complaint I hear from women when it comes to taking care of themselves is that there just isn’t enough time. Of course, we have the best of intentions but once the day starts to unfold, taking care of ourselves just gets lost in the shuffle. Well, there’s a solution for that!  

        I think we would all agree that typically we have a greater ability to “control” the earlier and later parts of our day, our am & pm routines. The middle of the day not as much, where people and things we didn’t anticipate come into play. Of course, there are no absolutes but generally speaking we have a heck of a better chance at determining how we want our mornings and evenings to go. Darren Hardy, motivational speaker and author of The Compound Effect refers to this as optimizing the bookends of our days.

        Ideally, I like to use my mornings to exercise but of course there are days my schedule or body is asking for something else. Regardless, whether it’s an hour or 15 minutes, my morning routine hands down includes some form of rejuvenating self-care practice. Most recently, I’ve incorporated a game changing habit called the Three-Minute Morning Mindfulness practice, introduced to me by Pilar Gerasimo author of the Healthy Deviant: A Rule Breaker’s Guide to Being Healthy in an Unhealthy World. The idea behind it is to start your day on your own terms rather than exposing your mind to stressful, distracting thoughts and outside forces. 

        You chose any feel good activity-stretching, meditation/breath exercises, petting your dog, journaling, stepping outside to listen to the birds, or even finding a favorite spot where you can just look out the window and enjoy having a cup of tea/coffee for at least 3 minutes or longer-as long as you find whatever your doing rewarding and doable.

        One caveat though, before and during the Morning Minutes practice, they’ll be no checking into your phone first , or TV, or any other sensory distractions or stressors. Emailing, texts, social media, or news will have to wait. The the whole point of this exercise, is to gradually & peacefully give our body and mind a chance to establish an early state of mindfulness and wellbeing, making it easier to retain and reclaim throughout the day. Part of the morning minutes practice uses the last few moments to set intentions for the day and then visualize how you want it to go or to reflect on the things you are most grateful for. Then close the practice with three deep, energizing breaths before moving on to the active part of your day. You’ll be surprised how just taking 3 minutes to yourself without exposing your mind to any external stressors upon awakening, will markedly make a difference how the rest of your day unfolds. 

        But keep in mind if we want to fall into supportive morning routines, it all starts the night before with a good nights sleep. Evenings are the perfect time to hone in on some self-care practices, to decompress, quiet our minds and prepare our bodies for restorative sleep. Of course that looks different for everybody but research supports shutting down our phones and electronics is key to reducing the blue light stimulation that interferes with restorative sleep.  All the more the reason to get off our devices and use our pm hours towards self-care practices. (i.e. journaling, reading, meditating, taking a bath, connecting with those near & dear, etc…).

        As bookends are used to support a row of books from collapsing, your am and pm routines can have the same capacity to ensure a great day ahead. Use this more “controllable” part of the day to set yourself up for greater success and wellbeing, try optimizing the bookends of your day!

        Wishing You The Best Of Success

        -Holly-

         

        The Struggle Is Real

        The Struggle Is Real

        by | Nov 1, 2020 | Blog

        Feeling Depleted? 

        Hell yeah! We have been operating under some pretty heavy energy lately. Now, almost 8 months into a global pandemic where the “new normal” is indefinite uncertainty, we are no longer in an emergency phase but rather living in a chronic state of heightened stress. Of course we’re feeling depleted, much of what grounded us no longer exists, we are grieving multiple loses while still managing the ongoing impact all of this is having on every single aspect of our lives.

        So how do we adjust to this ever-changing situation where so many of our systems aren’t working as they normally do, creating radical shifts in our work, school, and home life? Unfortunately, there is no handbook on this one, nothing in history comes close to its impact.  Sure there have been horrific events in history showing how very resilient we humans are but 2020 is an unprecedented disaster. It’s unique, magnified with 24-7  news coverage and intense political division in our country, complicating a unified approach on how to best navigate this unchartered path.

        As a women’s leadership coach, naturally I’m asked for advice and suggestions on how to ease the angst we are all experiencing. I wish I had a direct answer but the truth is I’m just figuring it out myself. Of course, there are some sure fire ways to combat worry, lessen anxiety, face our fears but in this instance if I had to specifically hone in on where to focus our attention it would primarily be on our self-care and sincere acceptance of our reality. Rather then putting on a brave face, I think it would serve us all better to embrace how “shaky” we truly are feeling, allowing us to support ourselves in a way that is more constructive instead of exhausting our energy on trying to avoid the uncomfortability that surrounds us right now. While in addition seeking activities, new and old, that fill us up…practicing extreme self-care (sleep, nutrition, exercise, meditation, gratitude, and connection) and self love & compassion. I believe there is a way to simultaneously attend to our grief while also move forward proactively, gaining a greater appreciation of life and surpassing our capabilities that were present before this crisis hit us all.

        My advice…resist the urge to suck it up, the struggle is real! Put YOUR oxygen mask on first so you can go the distance and still be of service to others.

        Wishing You The Best Of Success

        -Holly-