Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

by | Oct 5, 2023 | Blog

4-Part Prescription For Cultivating Self-Love

‘Change of season, change of perspective…’ 

Was the thought in the back of my mind when I sat down to complete my Values Assessment for the nth time.

But I hadn’t bargained on exactly how much of a change it would be… 

Now, before I go any further, I should explain that a Values Assessment is a tool I use with all my clients, and something I encourage them to come back to, at least annually. 

And the Fall run up to the Holidays is the perfect time for this, because it forces us to turn our attention to ourselves—and lays valuable groundwork for January’s habit of setting goals and starting afresh.

(If you’ve never done one before, you can read more about that here.)

Now, I’ve been completing Values Assessments for as long as I’ve been a life coach (that’s well over a decade). And to put this into perspective, I’ve never uncovered the insight I discovered last week, namely that…

Self-Love is now my highest priority.  

And this got me thinking: why is this such a surprise for me, especially given I’m a Women’s Transformational Life-Coach? 

Well, the answer is right there…  

Why is Self-Love So Hard for Women To Achieve? 

Yup the truth is Self-Love is something almost impossible for us women to cultivate.

It feels self-indulgent… 

Selfish even…

And fact is, we’re just not socialized that way. 

Instead, we’re the life-bearers, the life-givers. We’re self-less. We put everyone else before ourselves, solve everyone else’s problems before our own…

And spend way too much time comparing our imaginary flaws to everyone else’s imaginary perfections. 

So that makes it even more impossible to suddenly be like ‘hey, I’m gonna love myself!’ 

And all that got me thinking… 

What if there was a prescription for Self-Love? A simple formula we could tap into whenever we need a little TLC? 

Well, that’s why after years of writing, speaking and working with women on this topic I’ve taken everything I’ve learned (including a bunch of lessons I’ve already shared with you) and rolled it up into one simple prescription that you can call on whenever the chips are down, and you need a little care and attention. 

And here is it… 

The 4-Part Prescription for Lasting Self-Love

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Put simply this is all about letting go of the perfectionist mindset we’ve been spoon-fed from day 1, and move ourselves towards an optimialist perspective. 

So what does that look like?

Well, The ‘Perfectionist’ is SO on point she fails to embrace reality. She’ll work 16 hours a day, AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect mother/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

Maybe this resonates? 

The ‘Optimialist’ on the other hand, is healthy and striving—but uses these high standards to fuel her growth. 

In other words, she rubs her vision up against reality. She aspires to be her best—within reason. And she understands that there are only so many hours in the day, and constructs a healthy optimal life within these boundaries. 

Now, you can read more about the difference here.

BUT. 

Essentially, part one of my 4-Part Process is about recognizing the difference between being a perfectionist or an optimialist. So you can move out of perfectionism and into Part 2 of my prescription… 

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism…

Which inevitably chips away at our wellbeing.

Now, self-compassion on the other hand, builds us back up. And it can be a great source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. 

And this is a 3-fold process: 

First, we must learn the practice of self-kindness…

Second, discover how to embrace our common humanity… 

And third, take a balanced approach to negative emotions.

Want to know more? You can read more about Kristen’s approach here. 

But, Part 2 really all boils down to this: being able to recognize when you’re falling into the trap of self-criticism and flipping that script to self-compassion. 

Part 3: Remember: That Manicure is Just a Myth

Now, I’ve talked about this before. (In fact, the Myth of a Manicure is probably one of my most popular emails.)

Why?

Well, it makes most women sit up and think. Reevaluate what true self-care really means for them. 

Because here’s what I like to tell them: 

Is it really fair to say getting a manicure, having a facial, or hanging out with friends is self-care?

Or can that be more accurately described as self-maintenance?

Now, don’t get me wrong I love getting massages, sitting down to read a great book or watching the latest episode of Ted Lasso.

(All of which certainly feel good in the moment but honestly short lived.)

But, if you want more bang for your buck like feeling:

  • More comfortable in your own skin
  • Confidence in who are and where you’re going
  • Energized and excited about your future

True self-care and self-love is going to have to include doing difficult things that our body, heart, and spirit need but may be hard… 

Like boundary setting, forgoing that second glass of wine, having that hard conversation, getting to bed earlier, or going for a mammogram.

Ugh. I know it’s not sexy. But unfortunately it’s essential.

(And if you’re not sure what that might be? Take the time to journal each day, and let what you really need bubble up to the surface.)

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

This last part is all about recognizing your own good qualities and strengths and building on those rather than focusing so much on weaknesses. 

And that starts with crushing the comparisonitis. 

Now, one way to press pause on this is to surround yourself with stories of women who truly inspire you.

And yes, I do this all the time! Some are my clients, and some are women out there right now, in the spotlight, who dare to radically reframe aging. 

Self-Love. If A Doctor Could Prescribe It… 

Here’s the thought I want to leave with you…

Self-love shouldn’t be something you feel ashamed of cultivating. 

It shouldn’t be something you’re surprised at feeling…

And you shouldn’t feel ashamed that it’s even on your radar.

(In fact, imagine if this was prescribed by a doctor?! I’d even go so far as to say I bet those prescriptions for Xanax or Zoloft would drop.)

Because it’s time to stop feeling less than, and embrace the love of you, now in this moment. 

I think you deserve that much… 

XO

Holly

P.S. QUICK RECAP… 

If you’d like to read up on any of any of the points I’ve made here in this prescription, here are the links you need: 

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Part 3: Remember! That Manicure is Just a Myth

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

 


                                                                                                                                 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

    Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

    by | Mar 7, 2023 | Blog

    Pulling Back The Curtain..

    Let me tell you a little story about Vicky…

    Vicky’s been my client for many, many years. And in that time (she wouldn’t mind my telling you) her perspective’s done a 180°. 

    For years Vicky dreaded retiring. Her husband wanted to head to Florida—and hands down she didn’t. Her son was in New York, her daughter getting married. Vicky thought she’d be isolated, lonely, and at this time of her life? Really wasn’t grooving to a retirement state of mind… 

    But she took the plunge…

    And couldn’t have been more wrong.

    Now, if I Zoom Vicky, I can see the happiness in her eyes. She has more friends than ever, she’s at the beach every week, her daughter moved down with her grandson—and Vicky’s life is complete. 

    But all it took was a little bravery, and embracing the unknown.

    And then there’s Randy, who I’ve coached for nearly 5 years….

    When we met, Randy was divorced—and sworn off men. Romance was never a topic of conversation. She was closed to any possibility of love, or being in a relationship again. 

    Randy thought she was happy alone. (At least until she met David at a friend’s cocktail party…) 

    Randy’s 67.

    Or there’s Maggie, who in a matter of years, went from owning her own company, and all the prestige that comes with that—to uncovering chaos behind the scenes, making her escape, and building a new life for herself outside the corporate world.  

    Now Maggie’s connected to her purpose and (despite her children leaving home) blazes a trail on the board of a local college. 

    But, why am I telling you all this?

    Well, let me be clear with you here: these women might be my clients, but I can’t take ALL the credit for this. 

    Despite how this might read, it’s not like I spread magic dust on people. (If only it was that easy!)

    All of these women have been through a process. It takes time, and it’s super exciting to watch (especially as I struggle right now, to juggle homelife with the needs of my mom).

    No, the truth is Vicky, Randy and Maggie all have one big thing in common: they’re radically reframing aging.

    They refuse to be cow-towed by the media, bombarding us with pictures of youth and unrealistic expectations of beauty. They ignore the constant calls for botox, nips and tucks—and the need to hold onto some warped notion that success and happiness is the privilege of the young. 

    Now, of course this doesn’t come without apprehension. Yes, all of these women felt scared and nervous about the future. But they’ve stepped out of their comfort zones, embraced the unknown, and frankly…

    They’re killing it. 

    And they’re not the only ones… 

    Because I’m noticing a trend. Not only have many celebrity women stopped trying to hide their age (think of the ‘Sarah Jessica Parker Goes Gray!’ headlines that went viral last year) but they’re speaking up about the truth of midlife: that it can be more powerful and fulfilling than ever before. 

    Just get a load of this:

    ‘I think women come into their 40s—certainly mid-40s—and think, Oh, this is the beginning of the decline…things start to change and fade in directions that I don’t want them to go in anymore…  

    ‘But I’ve decided, no. We become more woman, more powerful, more sexy… We grow into ourselves more. We have opportunities to speak our mind and not be afraid of what people think of us. And not care what we look like so much.’

    • Kate Winslet, 47, on BBC’s Woman’s Hour. 

    Or as Glennon Doyle, 46, so fantastically puts it: 

    ‘Oh holy yes! Aging is the best thing to ever happen to me. Aging is unbecoming all the women I thought I was supposed to be, and breathing for God’s sake. 

    ‘Aging is like being one of those Russian nesting dolls and peeling off costumes one at a time-till I’m left as that little solid doll. Just that one. Nothing too big or wobbly.

    ‘I believe the spiritual/official explanation for a wise woman aging is: LOOK AT HER! SHE HAS RUNNETH OUT OF EFFS TO GIVE.
    ‘Beloveds in your twenties and thirties: It GETS BETTER!!!!!’

    And… she’s right. 

    It’s time to say enough is enough of that ‘I’m too old,’ ‘can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ mentality —

    It’s bullsh!t. 

    And probably one of midlife’s biggest, ugliest, craziest myths.

    And what’s more, believing myths around aging literally harms our health, and makes us more vulnerable to the fears we hold onto as we get older.

    But what can you do, day to day, to change your internal narrative around midlife. Well, you can start by remembering there are plenty of inspiring women who are choosing this path and then surround yourself with knowledge and support to age powerfully. 

    Know this: you’re not too old, and it’s never too late. 

    And, even if you can’t quite feel that ‘aging is the best thing to ever happen to you,’ taking a leaf out of Jamie Lee Curtis’s book is a not a bad place to start: 

    ‘My motto is, ‘If not now, when? And, if not me, who?’ And, that has unleashed me and freed me, and allowed me to do everything I’m doing with zero attachment.’

    • Jamie Lee Curtis, 64.

    Amen to that.

    XO 

    Holly

    P.S. On going gray, SJP said, ‘it became months and months of conversation about how brave I am for having gray hair… I was like, please please applaud someone else’s courage on something!

    ‘We spend so much time talking about the accumulation of time spent adding up in wrinkles, and it’s the weirdest thing that we don’t say it adds up to being better at your job, better as a friend, better as a daughter, better as a partner, better as a caregiver, better as a sister…’

    Yup, surround yourself with inspirational women—and the impact on your mindset, outlook and actions will be profound. 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

       

       

       

       

       

       

      Presence In Your Moments??

      Presence In Your Moments??

      by | Sep 1, 2022 | Blog

      Mindfulness..what is all the hype about?

      I’ll bet the men in your life are pretty in awe of your ability to multitask… 

      Writing up shopping lists. Helping your daughter through her latest heartbreak. Running a Fortune 500…

      (Okay, very few of us are in the last bracket. But you get the picture…)

      For years we’ve been in a constant state of flux. GO GO GO!

      And now? Maybe it’s just me but in line at the supermarket, all the headlines I see on Elle or Cosmo are… telling me to slow down. 

      Train Your Mind, Transform Your Life. 

      3 Secrets To Mindful Eating. 

      Mindful Menstruation: Here’s How It Works

      Huh?! Well, at least I don’t need to worry about the last one… 😉

      Seriously ladies, this change in tempo? It’s kind of comical… But such an important piece for our wellbeing. 

      That’s why, this month I’m tackling the subject of Mindfulness. What it is…

      And why you don’t have to be a yogi master to practice it…

      So, let’s start at the top. What is Mindfulness? 

      By definition, mindfulness is a quality of being present and fully engaged with whatever we’re doing at the moment. Free from distraction or judgment, and aware of our thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them.

      And there are sooo many different ways to practice it… 

      Meditation is the formal mindfulness practice you’re probably aware of. In fact I’d even go so far as to say, it’s a superpower. 

      Slowing your brain has been shown to thicken the pre-frontal cortex, managing higher order brain function. In other words, it increases your awareness, concentration, and decision making…

      Which in turn, plays an important role in our emotional regulation, and helps us to create a pause so we’re not hijacked by our emotions—and less reactive in this crazy stressful world we’re living in.

      (Plus, studies show how we can lose up to 10 IQ points and close to 2 hours in a day to daily distractions! Crazy, right?) 

      Informal mindfulness on the other hand, is where we consciously bring a quality of attunement, attention and awareness to all areas of our life. Whether that be with a conversation with our child or friend, driving in the car, or just savouring the taste of a good meal.

      The truth is, you don’t have to be a blissed out guru to feel the benefits of mindfulness in your everyday life… 

      And if the thought of meditation feels a little alien or overwhelming, you’re not alone… 

      (In fact, when I started practicing I literally had a piece of paper on the floor in my office—that I had to step over—that would remind me to meditate!)

      Because here’s the secret… let the habit grow organically. Ease, mindfulness into your life, so you can feel the benefits and it becomes second nature to you.  

      So, here’s a sneak peek at my 7 day Informal Mindfulness Challenge: 

      1. Pick at least one typical daily activity per day. It may be brushing your teeth, getting dressed in the morning, walking your dog, eating a meal, walking to the mailbox…
      2. Take a few mindful deep breaths. Take note of what is happening for you right in the here and now as you move into the activity. 
      3. Proceed with the activity as if it is the most important thing in the world, with great curiosity and care. 
      4. As you do the activity tune into all your senses. What do you see, hear, smell, feel tactilely? 
      5. Just do this one thing, no multi-tasking, only single tasking here. Instead of trying to just get it done quickly so you can move on to something else, invest 100% of your effort on that chosen activity. And as best you can keep your full attention on what you’re doing. 

      Every time your mind wanders off, simply notice, do not judge it or yourself for wandering off (this is NORMAL) and just simply return your attention back to your breath and the activity. 

      Keep returning to the present moment over and over again even if it seems like it’s your 100th time. Some find it helpful to say a few guided words silently to themselves, for example: 

      ‘I am now talking to my daughter…’ 

      ‘The water feels hot on my skin as I am washing the dishes…’ 

      ‘The air is cold as I walk to the mailbox…’ 

      The more you do this. The more you become aware of your surroundings, what you’re feeling, tasting and touching, the more you’ll notice something remarkable… 

      It seeps into everything you do. The more you’ll stop and be in the moment. 

      Since I started this practice I’ve become SO much more present in my relationships. With my husband. With my children. 

      Because ladies, ask yourself this…

      Don’t you deserve to be more present in your life? Don’t you deserve to simply enjoy yourself, stop and smell the roses? Like, if not now, when?!

      FACT: No-one ever laid on their deathbed, and felt proud because they’d ticked off everything on their to-do list…

      No, you want to be able to say: I was present…

      For my conversations with my son.

      For walking the dogs. Traveling. Exploring the world. Swimming in the ocean. 

      I think you owe yourself that much.

      XO

      Holly

      P.S. Any Mindfulness practice can feel overwhelming when we start. Remember, it’s okay if your mind wanders—so long as you bring it back! I’d love to hear how you get on. Hit reply and let me know…

       

       

       

      Joy, Happiness, Confidence-you choose!

      Joy, Happiness, Confidence-you choose!

      by | Aug 3, 2022 | Blog

      Unlock Your Superpower…

      Maybe too much information…?

      But, if I hear my freakin’ doctor tell me one more time—‘Holly, your vaginal walls are thinning because you’re getting older…’

      I mean sheesh. Seriously? Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate that.  

      Let’s just add that to the endless list of midlife ‘fixes’ that you’re never quite prepared for: 

       >> The low-estrogen cream that’s $90 a pop to stop those damn urinary tract infections… 

       >> Figuring out whether to ramp it up in your career—or lay low till retirement… 

       >> Turning to your husband and thinking ‘what’s next?’ as you wave the kids off to college… 

       Yeah. There are a million-and-one reasons why midlife gets a bad rap—but I’m not having any of it. 

      And neither should you.

      Let me perform a little test here, and ask you a question…

      How could you move more proactively today, towards your future best self? 

      Please, take a moment to picture. And lean into your gut reaction.

      Now, let me guess… Are you mentally listing all things you need to ‘fix’ about yourself, or your circumstances? 😉

      If so, you’re not alone. It’s how nearly every woman I ask answers this question…

      But this knee-jerk reaction isn’t gonna serve you. 

      Because the truth is it’s only through nurturing our strengths, NOT correcting our shortcomings—that we can actually experience growth, and get to where we want to be in life. 

      And identifying how to lean into our strengths—those core characteristics that come most naturally to us—is the key to reaching our goals. 

      FACT: There’s a huge amount of research over the past 15 years on the value of using our strengths to feel more fulfilled, live a higher quality of life, and have much more fun at work and home.

      Don’t just take my word for it! Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology, says that for a person to be truly happy and live a meaningful life, that person must recognize their personal strengths—and use these strengths for the greater good.

      (It’s a stance that Forbes, Gallup and the VIA Institute on Character are also taking pretty seriously, advising parents to focus on their children’s strengths, not filling an imaginary skills gap in their ‘weakness.’) 

      Bottomline: If we’re to take Seligman’s advice, we should spend time trying to figure out these personal strengths—what we were born to do—without wasting time on making things harder for ourselves.  

      So, that’s why I’m making it super easy for you to do just that… 

      And developed a Midlife Advantage Quiz to help YOU shine a light on your own unique superpowers—and leverage your strengths to navigate midlife on your own terms.

      In it you’ll discover a personalized roadmap to:  

      • Swap the ‘I thought I’d be further ahead’ nonsense we ALL revert to, with ‘I’m open to feeling more happiness now,’ so you can live life as an opportunity (versus just existing).
      • Feel more motivated than ever to shift your energy, make the changes you want in your life and find more purpose and fulfillment 
      • Handle life’s disruptions head-on, start navigating life on your terms, and do ALL the things that might’ve scared you in the past—because I’m not letting you leave this world with regrets!

      Plus, I’ll also let you into some secret insights from my own life along the way… 

      Because, I’m telling you—leaning into your strengths is a waaay more fulfilling way to live than endlessly trying to fix your life. Or popping another $90 on low-estrogen cream… 😉

      TAKE THE QUIZ NOW….just press here!

      XO

      Holly

       P.S. Once you get your results, I’d LOVE to know how they resonated with you. Please reply back, tell me what you got, and if I nailed it.