What The Cast of Friends Can Teach You About Making Decisions

What The Cast of Friends Can Teach You About Making Decisions

by | Jul 5, 2023 | Blog

Difficult Decisions Are Everywhere

Do you find it hard to make your mind up? 

Well, I hate to break it to you, but in midlife, decision making can take on a whole new level… 

Why? Well, when you factor in brain fog, anxiety, or the loss of confidence that often comes with going through menopause, it can mean you find yourself overthinking, and even the simplest decisions feel like accepting a marriage proposal… 

Yet, the truth is when you hit your 50’s or 60’s you’ll often find yourself with more decisions than EVER to make in life.

Take me for example! In the last 5 years I’ve had to decide: 

  • Whether or not to have my hip replaced (health decisions are HUGE in midlife) 
  • If assisted living is right for my mom, and how best to deal with her alzheimer’s diagnosis
  • With all this going on, how exactly to expand my business, and how best to serve my clients 

Now, how we choose to make good decisions is as unique as we are. Some people will gather a great deal of info, and consider thoughts and opinions from a ton of sources. 

Others gather significantly less and take more time to decide…

And others will hurtle headlong into any decision based on what their gut tells them.

So, how can we possibly know if the decisions we make are the right ones?

Well, that’s where Holographic Thinking comes in… 

Holographic Thinking is something I learned in my iPEC training, and it’s an absolute game-changer (I don’t use that term lightly!) in helping you make good informed decisions and trusting your own judgment. 

Holographic Thinking teaches us there are 3 main ways to make your mind up:

1. Logic: analyzing a situation through examining the facts and using your mind in a linear and scientific way. Maybe this involves research about what experts believe about the situation, or critically analyzing what you already know by experience or common knowledge.

When you approach a decision logically you’re looking to see if it makes sense. 

2. Emotion: looking at a situation through the lens of how you feel. Here you’re probably looking to see what would be most enjoyable, or how the decision might affect others around you.

3. Intuition: instinctive knowledge that can’t be explained. (Or looking to see what your senses say.) This is what I refer to as a ‘midlife wizery’—i.e. many lessons learned, much knowledge acquired, and knowing ourselves better than ever. 

Ask yourself, how many midlife women do you meet who are totally rocking it, no longer bullshit themselves—and are so done with feeling ‘less than?’ Well, chances are, they’re perfectly in touch with their intuition… 

Now, all that being said, no one way is better than another, but combining all 3 is where the power lies—just as a hologram produces 3 dimensions or perspectives.

So how can we make Holographic Thinking work for us in real terms, in real life? 

Well, next time you have a decision to make, ask yourself these questions: 

  • How much sense does it make? How do I think it will work?
  • How enjoyable or fun will it be?
  • What do my inner senses say about it? What does my gut say? 

These questions target each facet of your thought process, and help you arrive at a well rounded answer you can be confident in.

And how can Friends help you with Holographic Thinking? 

If you find it difficult to remember the distinctions between the 3 types, it can help to associate them with advice from people you know—or even characters from your favorite sitcom. 

For example: 

  • What would logical Ross do to come to a decision in your situation? He’d likely read every single book on the subject and weigh up every possibility.
  • How would emotional Rachel feel about it? She’d probably write a letter (‘eighteen pages, front and back!’) and let it all out. 
  • And how would intuitive Phoebe deal with it? She’d trust her gut, play her guitar and wait for inspiration to strike. 

But one thing’s for sure, together over coffee in Central Perk, their decisions would definitely be more nuanced, powerful and effective. 

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Find you have more questions than EVER in midlife? Grab my 10 Question Toolkit. It’ll give you the skillset to not only manage the mayhem—but master it.

GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    I AM…

    I AM…

    by | Jun 7, 2023 | Blog

    Who Are You? Really…?

    Here’s what I know to be true: every woman has wings. But some need help to color them in.

    Some are washed out. Some need to color over the lines. Others? A touch of glitter…

    Now, some clients, when they come to me, have incredible wings. Their feathers are bright. They sparkle (and they know it!)

    BUT… they’ve been clipped. They’re caged, and they’ve lost their voice.

    So, what do I mean by all this?

    Well, maybe life feels like a sh*tshow right now? Perhaps you woke up this morning and thought:

    • I’m so done with being someone’s puppet.
    • I’m f*cking clueless.
    • I haven’t had my voice for so long. 
    • I have no idea…
    • What do I really want?                                                                                                                                                                   

    Because here’s the truth: ALL of us, now and then, need help remembering who we are.

    Yes, that’s right. I don’t care how beautiful your wings are, or how you got here. Every woman comes to me at a different level—and could benefit from some more color, more life in her wings.

    Let’s try it out… 

    If I asked you ‘who are you?’ I expect your first thought would be to list what you do, or your relationship to other people: i.e. wife or mother, or your job title.  

    But these are labels defined by society, not the true essence of you. 

    So, what if you’re reading this and think: ‘Holly, I’ve spent so long looking after everyone else, I don’t know who I am. And I don’t know where to start…’

    Well, that’s where the ‘Who Am I?’ exercise comes in.

    Its purpose is simple: to understand how your strengths, gifts and values meld to form who you are.

    Because here’s the thing: every experience until this point has shaped your perception of the world…

    And that’s why midlife is the perfect time to find out what color you want your wings to be—or in other words, who you really are.

    So, grab a pen and paper, pour a glass of wine or a cup of tea, and work through the following questions:

     Step 1: Identify your key descriptors:

    • What are the 5-10 most important values in your life?
    • How would you describe the attributes you most like about yourself?
    • What do other people admire most about you—and what is the impact you have on them? 

    Hint: if you can’t objectively see your gifts and strengths, it can help to reach out to up to 5 people in various parts of your life, and ask what they see as your unique qualities, attributes, or characteristics. Ask, why do you mean so much to them? And how do you impact their life?

     (This also helps realize your impact, and gives you direction towards ‘who you are.’)

    • What core beliefs about life serve you best?
    • What makes you unique, or stand out from others?
    • What makes you feel most passionate, satisfied, and most fulfilled?
    • If you had to name one feeling that you would like to have most often, what would that be?

    Step 2: Put an X by the 5-10 most important words from the list you made, and convert those 5-10 descriptors to nouns. 

    (For example, if ‘being healthy’ is one of your key descriptors, convert to ‘health.’ If ‘honest’ is one, convert to ‘honesty.’)

    Step 3: Take these nouns and make them into ‘I Am’ statements. Feel free to combine more than one concept or idea in each statement. You should have at least 5 statements, beginning with ‘I am”. (For the examples above, your statements would be ‘I am Health’ and ‘I am Honesty.’)

    Step 4: Rank each order of these statements by numbering them from 1 (as the most powerful) to the least powerful/descriptive of the list.

    Record your final ‘I Am’ statements, in rank order below, so you can refer to them later on.

    Step 5: Finally, seriously consider all of your final ‘I Am’ statements in relation to how you currently live. And ask yourself:

    What adjustments could you make?

    How well do you currently bring who you are into everything you do?

    Look at the different roles you play in your life. You may be a spouse, a parent, a child, a worker, a sibling, a friend, etc. Which roles do you believe are true to yourself, or where your true self shines? Which roles does your true self hide?

    In other words: what color do you want your wings to be?

    Or who are you… really?

    XO

    Holly

    P.S. If you enjoyed this exercise, and want to go one step further, grab my 10 Question Toolkit. 

    It will give you the skillset to not only manage the midlife mayhem—but master it.

    GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

       

       

       

       

       

       

      Don’t Mess With a Menopausal Woman…

      Don’t Mess With a Menopausal Woman…

      by | May 3, 2023 | Blog

      Three Simple Ways To Honor The Struggle (Because Sometimes Life Sucks)

      Don’t mess with a menopausal woman who wants more for herself.

      … Is something my clients and I often joke about. 

      Because, the truth is, at our time of life? There’s SO much going on:

      • Hot flashes that soak the bed, or steam up your eyeglasses…
      • Parents aging, and demanding so much more from you…
      • Kids getting married, having babies—or leaving for college (and calling home when it’s not going so well…)

      When, all the while you think ‘this should be my time now’ (to figure out where you want to retire, how to navigate your divorce, or what to do next in your career).

      Yup, aging can be a reckoning alright. (Or as I like to call it: ‘a sh*tshow.’) 

      Or… As Glennon Doyle so eloquently put it: ‘I believe the spiritual/official explanation for a wise woman aging is: LOOK AT HER! SHE HAS RUNNETH OUT OF EFFS TO GIVE.’

      Well, for me, this only tells half the story… 

      Because, what if, despite the madness, you DO give an eff…? 

      What if you want to be ready for every curveball life throws at you (instead of cowering in the corner?) 

      What if you want to move into the next phase of life on YOUR terms—more powerfully than ever?!

      Well, I believe, a strong part of dealing with life’s uncertainties is realizing how to ‘Honor the Struggle.’ 

      (Because, as we’ve established, sh*t’s gonna get real. But, it’s how we deal with it that counts.)

      To help, I walk my clients through a 3-part process. And here I’ve simplified it for you:

      Part 1: Acceptance

      And all this means is: accepting where you’re at. 

      Simple right? 😉 (And not to be confused with ‘resigning.’ That’s very different.) 

      No, resignation is relinquishing your control. Quitting or succumbing to something less than desirable…

      This means if you can accept life’s curveballs, you can regain control over them, and increase the likelihood that you will recover—by embracing what actually is, and what needs to be done—rather than wishing for something to be different.  

      Part 2: Embrace an Experimental Mindset (and Build Self-Trust)

      Now, I expect across social media, or in the business world, you regularly see people embracing a ‘growth mindset.’ And I say, there’s nothing wrong with that…

      BUT, the plain simple truth is this: it’s easy to trust yourself when your plan is working, and everything’s going well. But learning to trust yourself under adversity is something very different…

      Building self trust comes from knowing you’re resilient—and can bounce back from anything. It comes from being able to accept, acknowledge or honor the struggle, yet respond to any situation as you need to. 

      (Now, here I will walk my clients through what might be blocking their energy, and how to handle them) but for now, use this takeaway: 

      An important part of trusting yourself when things are challenging is knowing ALL experiences have value—but it’s crucial that you release your expectations to any particular outcome. 

      Remember this: embrace an experimental mindset—and you can create purpose from everything that happens (even if things don’t go your way).

      Part 3: Look for a Purpose, Not a Reason

      Although the difference between the words ‘reason’ and ‘purpose’ may seem inconsequential, energetically they are light years apart—and easy to confuse.

      And here’s why: the person who looks for reason takes no responsibility in creating her future. More likely, she’s stuck in the past, asking why something happened… 

      Conversely, someone who’s looking for a purpose does so with an eye toward growth and expansion. 

      Take my Mom’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis for example. It could have been SO easy for me to look around and say: why the f*ck should my mother have Alzheimer’s? Why is this happening to me? 

      But if I look for the purpose instead of reason, I realize that this is the perfect thing to give a (recovering) control freak—because I have deep immersion, and no control over it.

      And there you have 3 reasons why I am totally about honoring the suck, validating it—and using it to better your life.

      So next time, you think: ‘Why is this happening to me?’ Flip the script to: ‘why is this happening for me?’

      Remember this: happiness is an inside job. And right now, you have an unbelievable amount of wisdom that’s come with age… 

      So don’t give up. Learn to trust yourself, embrace life’s difficulties, and you’ll discover courage you never knew you had. 

      Rooting for you,

      XO

      Holly 

      P.S. Want to go one step further and ignite a midlife reboot? Grab my 10 Question Toolkit. It’ll give you the skillset to not only manage the mayhem—but master it.

      GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW

       

       

       

       

       

       

         

         

         

         

         

         

        3 Step Secret To Guaranteed Success…

        3 Step Secret To Guaranteed Success…

        by | Apr 5, 2023 | Blog

        It’s Easier Than You Think! 

        Picture this… 

        You’re 52—and finally met the man of your dreams. He’s kind, generous, and with 3 sons, it’s your chance to build the family you always longed for. 

        You had an incredible wedding, and those two weeks in Paris were simply… *Sigh*

        But, back home, when the confetti settles, and he carries you over the threshold? You’re backdown to earth with a jolt.

        Because, your husband’s boys resent you. 

        They turn away when you speak to them…

        And while you never wanted to take the place of their mother, you’re locked into the fear that they could achieve exactly what they set out to do—and drive a wedge between you and your husband. 

        ‘Hardly the Brandy Bunch’ you think with irony. 

        But, the truth is, all those fears you can’t think straight, and cannot see how to resolve this. 

        Well, that was Monica’s story. And talking this through in one of our sessions, I knew she needed only one thing… 

        The ABC Gameplan. 

        Now, the ABC Gameplan is all based around one central premise: success no matter what. 

        It’s perfect if you have an all-or-nothing mentality—or in those scenarios when you find fear, uncertainty or plan old procrastination stopping you from making those decisions crucial to your well being.

        >> Want to wake up each morning and go for a run? 

        >> Need to look for a new job, but just cannot find the time? 

        >> Want to find a way to heal a relationship with your spouse’s children—or anyone in your life? 

        You need the ABC Gameplan. 

        And here’s how it works… 

        First, break down any objective into 3 possible outcomes:

        1. Plan A: the ideal situation you want from any scenario. 
        2. Plan B (or your backup plan…)
        3. Plan C: your safety net, or the bare minimum you need to succeed.

        Here’s an example: 

        Jesse, my daughter, phoned at 2am with terrible stomach cramps. We talked and talked, and after we decided what she should do next, I wound up laying there, mind racing, staring at the ceiling.

        Now, you may remember how much I love to work out. But that morning I had zero desire to move my body… 

        So, I started with the bare minimum! Pushups to see if I was in the mood. B? Lifting those weights. And before I knew it, I was on my A plan—and the Peloton with Robin Arzon.

        Do you see what happened there? I gave myself grace to achieve the bare minimum—and that’s totally the point of the ABC Gameplan.

        Now, it’s important to remember the ABC Gameplan is not all about hitting your A. In fact, usually you won’t because that perfectionist mindset will creep in.

        But the crucial thing to remember is: progress over perfection.

        Because here’s the deal… 

        So many women I see are completely caught up in an all-or-nothing mentality—which in itself stops them from moving forward.

        Maybe you feel this too?

        But, understanding that there is a natural ebb and flow to success can help reduce what I call the ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’ syndrome… 

        Or in other words, just because you feel frustrated, challenged or disappointed with your progress towards a particular goal, it doesn’t mean you should fall back into limiting beliefs—and throw in the towel.

        So, what happened to Monica?

        Well, more than anything she wanted to create a happy, unified family. So, she invited her stepsons over for dinner with her ABC Gameplan in mind…

        And this is how that looked for her:

        A: Enjoy dinner and spend time together. 

        But Monica knew she couldn’t control their behavior—or a bunch of other influencers might get in the way. So…

        B: To say to herself: ‘Okay, if it doesn’t go well, I’m not going to take what they say so personally.’ 

        C: (Or, in other words if the sh*t hits the fan?) To know how to respond better next time… 

        Now, I’d love to say Monica hit her A first time. But, in reality she couldn’t get past a wobbly C.

        However, over time, the ABC Gameplan served her well. It helped her to keep her cool, and build those bridges with her stepsons. They appreciated her patience, and now, she’s slowly hitting her A… 

        Want to take your ABC Gameplan to the next level? Grab my 10 Question Toolkit and ignite a midlife reboot.

        GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW

         

         

         

         

         

         

        Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

        Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

        by | Mar 7, 2023 | Blog

        Pulling Back The Curtain..

        Let me tell you a little story about Vicky…

        Vicky’s been my client for many, many years. And in that time (she wouldn’t mind my telling you) her perspective’s done a 180°. 

        For years Vicky dreaded retiring. Her husband wanted to head to Florida—and hands down she didn’t. Her son was in New York, her daughter getting married. Vicky thought she’d be isolated, lonely, and at this time of her life? Really wasn’t grooving to a retirement state of mind… 

        But she took the plunge…

        And couldn’t have been more wrong.

        Now, if I Zoom Vicky, I can see the happiness in her eyes. She has more friends than ever, she’s at the beach every week, her daughter moved down with her grandson—and Vicky’s life is complete. 

        But all it took was a little bravery, and embracing the unknown.

        And then there’s Randy, who I’ve coached for nearly 5 years….

        When we met, Randy was divorced—and sworn off men. Romance was never a topic of conversation. She was closed to any possibility of love, or being in a relationship again. 

        Randy thought she was happy alone. (At least until she met David at a friend’s cocktail party…) 

        Randy’s 67.

        Or there’s Maggie, who in a matter of years, went from owning her own company, and all the prestige that comes with that—to uncovering chaos behind the scenes, making her escape, and building a new life for herself outside the corporate world.  

        Now Maggie’s connected to her purpose and (despite her children leaving home) blazes a trail on the board of a local college. 

        But, why am I telling you all this?

        Well, let me be clear with you here: these women might be my clients, but I can’t take ALL the credit for this. 

        Despite how this might read, it’s not like I spread magic dust on people. (If only it was that easy!)

        All of these women have been through a process. It takes time, and it’s super exciting to watch (especially as I struggle right now, to juggle homelife with the needs of my mom).

        No, the truth is Vicky, Randy and Maggie all have one big thing in common: they’re radically reframing aging.

        They refuse to be cow-towed by the media, bombarding us with pictures of youth and unrealistic expectations of beauty. They ignore the constant calls for botox, nips and tucks—and the need to hold onto some warped notion that success and happiness is the privilege of the young. 

        Now, of course this doesn’t come without apprehension. Yes, all of these women felt scared and nervous about the future. But they’ve stepped out of their comfort zones, embraced the unknown, and frankly…

        They’re killing it. 

        And they’re not the only ones… 

        Because I’m noticing a trend. Not only have many celebrity women stopped trying to hide their age (think of the ‘Sarah Jessica Parker Goes Gray!’ headlines that went viral last year) but they’re speaking up about the truth of midlife: that it can be more powerful and fulfilling than ever before. 

        Just get a load of this:

        ‘I think women come into their 40s—certainly mid-40s—and think, Oh, this is the beginning of the decline…things start to change and fade in directions that I don’t want them to go in anymore…  

        ‘But I’ve decided, no. We become more woman, more powerful, more sexy… We grow into ourselves more. We have opportunities to speak our mind and not be afraid of what people think of us. And not care what we look like so much.’

        • Kate Winslet, 47, on BBC’s Woman’s Hour. 

        Or as Glennon Doyle, 46, so fantastically puts it: 

        ‘Oh holy yes! Aging is the best thing to ever happen to me. Aging is unbecoming all the women I thought I was supposed to be, and breathing for God’s sake. 

        ‘Aging is like being one of those Russian nesting dolls and peeling off costumes one at a time-till I’m left as that little solid doll. Just that one. Nothing too big or wobbly.

        ‘I believe the spiritual/official explanation for a wise woman aging is: LOOK AT HER! SHE HAS RUNNETH OUT OF EFFS TO GIVE.
        ‘Beloveds in your twenties and thirties: It GETS BETTER!!!!!’

        And… she’s right. 

        It’s time to say enough is enough of that ‘I’m too old,’ ‘can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ mentality —

        It’s bullsh!t. 

        And probably one of midlife’s biggest, ugliest, craziest myths.

        And what’s more, believing myths around aging literally harms our health, and makes us more vulnerable to the fears we hold onto as we get older.

        But what can you do, day to day, to change your internal narrative around midlife. Well, you can start by remembering there are plenty of inspiring women who are choosing this path and then surround yourself with knowledge and support to age powerfully. 

        Know this: you’re not too old, and it’s never too late. 

        And, even if you can’t quite feel that ‘aging is the best thing to ever happen to you,’ taking a leaf out of Jamie Lee Curtis’s book is a not a bad place to start: 

        ‘My motto is, ‘If not now, when? And, if not me, who?’ And, that has unleashed me and freed me, and allowed me to do everything I’m doing with zero attachment.’

        • Jamie Lee Curtis, 64.

        Amen to that.

        XO 

        Holly

        P.S. On going gray, SJP said, ‘it became months and months of conversation about how brave I am for having gray hair… I was like, please please applaud someone else’s courage on something!

        ‘We spend so much time talking about the accumulation of time spent adding up in wrinkles, and it’s the weirdest thing that we don’t say it adds up to being better at your job, better as a friend, better as a daughter, better as a partner, better as a caregiver, better as a sister…’

        Yup, surround yourself with inspirational women—and the impact on your mindset, outlook and actions will be profound. 

         

         

         

         

         

         

         

         

           

           

           

           

           

           

          Another Way To Kickstart The New Year

          Another Way To Kickstart The New Year

          by | Jan 4, 2023 | Blog

          Why I’m giving resolutions the 🖕

          Here’s a Quick Q: What does January mean to you?

          • A fresh start? Intangible excitement and anticipation? The feeling that ‘this year everything will be different…’
          • Resolutions and goal setting? Dusting off that yoga mat. Scrolling through your phone contacts to see who you missed last year—convinced that this will be the time for a long lost dinner date… 
          • Or… short days and long dark evenings? (And the silent dread of that post-holiday credit card statement arriving in  the mailbox.)

          Perhaps, if you’re honest, it’s a mixture of all three… 

          But, right now, whether waiting in line at the supermarket or scrolling your phone, all you see are headlines screaming at you to—

          Crush 2023!

          Hit The New Year Running!

          Find Your Purpose! 

          New Year, New You, right?

          Erm, wrong.

          Now, I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer on all this. Sure, it works for some of us (even though 80% of resolutions are forgotten by February). And reinventing ourselves positively towards the future can only be a good thing, right?

          Well, truth is I find this all a little nauseating. 

          Take ‘finding your purpose’ for example… Dig a little deeper, and chances are you’ll discover purpose in many aspects of your life. (Because truth is, in midlife? What your purpose is today, may not be tomorrow.)

          So, if we’re not talking about #Resolutions, #GoalSetting or #FindingYourWow what on Earth can we do to kickstart January? 

          Well, I believe it’s time for a non-traditional route…

          Yup. It’s time to talk pleasure and joy.

          And there are 3 big reasons why this is SO important for women in midlife: 

          1. Much has shifted and changed in our lives. It’s easy to lose sight of what really brings us pleasure and joy—when we were busy checking ALL the boxes we were told to… 

          2. In putting everyone else first, we rarely give ourselves time to honor what truly makes us happy. 

          3. We’ve forgotten how to get in touch with pleasure or joy. Yet in the doldrums of winter, feeling burnt out, an emphasis on both can help you climb over that hump—and into spring. 

          So, how can YOU unlock more pleasure and joy in your life? 

          Well, let me ask you 3 simple questions:

          • What fills you up?
          • What warms your heart?
          • What makes you laugh? 

          Now, my guess is, you’ve spent so long with your own needs on the backburner that it’s hard for you to extend yourself—and truly answer these questions. 

          It might be helpful to ask yourself, ‘when do I find myself smiling? What makes me laugh out loud?’ These simple cues can pinpoint what makes you tick, and what actually lights you up… 

          Now, take these cues and translate them into tangible things that actually bring you pleasure and joy.

          For example, hanging out with my dogs brings me tremendous joy. For you it might be watching the sunset, connecting with friends, curling up with a good book, sex…(!) 

          Fact: uncovering pleasure and joy leads to greater happiness in our lives. 

          Because here’s the deal:

          Life is challenging. But you don’t have to sit in the heaviness 24/7. 

          Finding joy gives you a chance for reprieve, to regroup, and fortify your stamina…

          And then, if you want to put it towards those goals? Be my guest 😉

          XO

          Holly

          P.S. It’s not unusual to feel disconnected, feeling it’s impossible to uncover what brings you pleasure and joy in life? No worries. Schedule a free discovery call—and I’ll help you discover what lights you up.