The Dreaded ‘Trifecta of Midlife’ (and what you can do about it)

The Dreaded ‘Trifecta of Midlife’ (and what you can do about it)

Why Do So Many Women Feel Irrelevant In Midlife 

I remember the first time it happened. 

I was standing in line at the bagel store looking down at my phone, when a voice in front of me called out—

“Can I help you Ma’am?”

Huh?

I turned around — 

And I’m thinking, ‘Who? Me? Ma’am?! Who’s ‘Ma’am?’

I was wearing sunglasses for heaven’s sake!

I’d just been working out. I had a vest on, my hair scrunched up on top of my head. 

Wow. Is it my hair? Is it my posture? What is it about me that looks so much older? (Yup, all these thoughts flashed through my mind in a nanosecond.)

“Ma’am?!” (He was getting impatient now.) “How can I help you?”

So, I sighed. And took a step forward in line—both literally, and metaphorically. 

Because somehow I’d moved up a notch. 

I was officially middle aged.  

And for a moment, that feeling my clients talk about so often flashed into my mind: 

‘I feel invisible. And irrelevant.’

Now, I’m okay sharing this with you because I know you feel the same. 

When? 

Every time you look in the mirror, second guess your dress choice—and that inner critic screams ‘you’re way too old for that!’ 

Every time you glance down at your stretch marks, and pull that coverup over your bikini…

Every time you walk past a construction site—and don’t get wolf-whistled. 

(C’mon… admit it! And yes, the feminist in me hated it too when I was younger.)

But all this is no surprise, because our youth obsessed society conditions us to believe that our relevance is attached to how attractive we are — 

Or how much attention we get from men.

But here’s the thing…

While that may be one reason, to pin it all on this is to do ourselves a disservice. Because irrelevance in midlife is about so much more than mere attractiveness…

And in fact, after a decade of hearing my clients agonize over this, I can tell you it comes down to not 1, but 3 universal truths (and my own personal spin on it…)

So, let’s start from the top…  

1. Our Youth Obsessed Culture

Washed up. Dried out. And my own personal favorite, ‘spinster.’ 

Yikes. Over the years there have been some damn offensive terms for a woman of a certain age (especially if she’d never been married). 

And although those terms are outdated now, you could argue they’ve been replaced by something else—a youth obsessed culture that tells us we have so much less to give physically or sexually…

Our social media feeds are full of makeup, hair extensions, and tight dewy skin. Lunch hour ‘botox-breaks’ are the norm. Younger women snap at the heels of our career…

Whoa. It’s no surprise that many of us still think our relevance is defined by how attractive men find us. 

Especially when you wake up and realize… 

2. You Don’t Feel ‘Middle Aged’

Just like my bagel-boy example above, the truth is middle age creeps up on us—then slaps us in the face with a jar of Pond’s cold cream. 

My point? It feels like only last week I was a ‘miss’—and now I’m a ‘Ma’am.’ (And an ex-runner turned Peloton obsessive, with two hip replacements to boot.) 

WTAF? 

Now, however middle-aged is ‘supposed’ to feel, I’m not feeling it. And neither is anyone around me…

(Heck, even Carrie Bradshaw and co are struggling.)

3. Your Life is Changing Up

Children leaving home, going to college and getting married…

Parents aging—and needing so much more from us…

Technology, AI and feeling like we can’t keep up… 

Good and bad, wherever we look, the world—and our lives—are changing. 

And when you throw menopause into the mix, well, you could say the very definition of midlife is ‘change.’

Physically and mentally, midlife throws so much more at us than we bargained for… 

And that brings me to bonus point number 4, or my own personal take on this… 

Your Way Forward Has Disappeared. And There Is No Roadmap…

Here’s the deal: most of us have spent our lives putting others first. We’ve been the perfect wife, mother or daughter for so long… 

We’ve been to college, raised families, and had successful careers. 

In fact, we’ve been spoon fed since day one what we should and shouldn’t be doing, how we can excel, how we should operate as women. And I strongly believe us Gen-Xers, the late baby boomers have had the worst of it.  

In short? We’ve had many, many decades of putting ourselves in a box of what everyone else should expect us to do.

We’ve never tapped into our true, authentic self. We’ve never found out what our preferences might actually be. (Or we abandoned them for family and work.)

We’ve played nice and not ruffled any feathers.

And as a result? When our children leave home, or career changes up, we feel tired and irrelevant…

Our purpose has vanished…

And we find ourselves asking… 

“Who am I anyway?” 

Maybe this resonates?

Well, if it does, know this, you are definitely not alone. (In fact, I can’t tell you how many clients come to me with those exact same feelings.) 

But here’s the deal: it doesn’t have to be that way. And it’s never too late to flip the script on this.

The Secret? Learn How To Invest in Yourself in Midlife

Now, don’t get me wrong. This isn’t easy when you’ve spent a lifetime thinking about the wants, needs and preferences of others…

But this is your time now.  

And you must take these steps. Because every single woman I know who overcomes her feelings of irrelevance is invested in her own self development—they focus on their personal growth, they work out what their interests might be, they take up new hobbies. 

They refuse to buy into our youth obsessed culture—because they know it’s just one narrative. Online, they follow women who inspire them, and light them up. They embrace an Experimental Mindset. 

They know their world is there to be shaped, and they refuse to give in…

And second? They stay connected. They join clubs, and move amongst people who see them for what they truly are. They feel seen, heard, and relevant.

In fact, this is the exact reason I don’t feel irrelevant. (Well, at least until some young server dares to call me ‘Ma’am.’ 😉

Seriously now. I’ve done the legwork, I have exposure to so many tools to help me, and I’m lucky to be in this industry.

And the reason I don’t have that piece is because I’ve built a very strong sense of self. 

I know who I am. 

And I’m here to help you feel the same. 

XO 

Holly 

P.S. If you’re reading this thinking, ‘but Holly, I’ve no idea what my own preferences and needs, wants and desires might be!’ My 10 Question Toolkit is a great place to start. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Midlife Game Changing Habits

Midlife Game Changing Habits

Top Five Strategies You Need To Know 

‘Holly, do you have any big strategies to navigate midlife? 

‘Y’know, the surefire, game-changing, non-negotiables that mean you’re always so on point?’

Whoa. Now, there’s a question…

And it’s probably the one I’m asked most — on the pickleball court, out to dinner with friends, by clients and colleagues…

First — let’s get one thing straight, I am most definitely NOT ‘so on point…’ (!)

Hey, I may be a Midlife Transition Coach, but I worry about my turkey neck as much as the next woman! I’m struggling to sleep through the night. Trying to figure out how to empty nest… gracefully.

I too, question those goals I held for SO long, that sometimes feel flat and uninspiring… 

Sure! We’re a boat load wiser. But if you find yourself wandering into the bedroom, forgetting why you’re there — and instead your thoughts turn to:

>> Who the heck am I?

>> What’s next?

>> And how the hell do I begin to figure all this out?

Then you need…

The Top 5 Strategies To Thrive In Midlife Right Now 

Yeah, that’s right: these are the non-negotiable, instrumental habits you need to adhere to IMMEDIATELY…

No joke.

Because ladies, I believe — no, I know — these habits are SO powerful, you’ll finally find your groove…  and forge your path towards a fuller, happier, more meaningful life. 

(And hey, it’s what you’ve been asking for!)

Because honestly? Let’s just not age gracefully. Let’s age powerfully…

And dive right in!

  1. Keep Your Attitude in Check
    Even I find myself slipping into silly comments like: ’… well, I am an old lady.’ But, the more we indulge in that language, the more we give it mileage — the harder we’re making it for ourselves to switch gear and age optimally. 

Energy attracts like energy.

The truth is, we’re living longer fuller lives than ever before. There are inspiring women out there absolutely killing it in midlife, knocking it outta the park! So, instead of  indulging in negative language, flip the script to stories of strong, vibrant, engaging older women…

And surround yourself with as much knowledge and education to live your life more powerfully.

Check out this podcast: Radically Reframing Aging, and hear Maria Shriver discuss how we can all live our healthiest, most joyful lives as we grow older.

  1. Embrace The Now
    (Or, in short — if not now, when?)

If there’s one thing the pandemic taught us, it’s not to hang around. I’ve worked with so many women who have had the rug pulled out from under them — diagnosed suddenly with breast cancer, diabetes, or their husbands get sick…

You might remember last year my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It’s brutal. And I don’t know how long it’s gonna last…

But I can’t live in a state of inertia thinking ‘once she has full time help’ or ‘once she’s in assisted living, well, then I can focus on xyz.’ I can’t wait, and I can’t put things off. I have to honor the fact it’s all consuming, accept it, yet still move forward.

If we don’t start rockin’ and rolling now, then when will we?

  1. Treat Life As An Experiment
    It’s easy to get stuck in a rut — what we eat, how we exercise, even the makeup we use! (Am I right?) But our bodies have changed, our metabolism’s not so fired up, and chances are what worked in our 20s or 30s just ain’t gonna cut it. 

It’s time to shake things up…

You have GOT to have an experimental mindset.

For example, I just don’t have the stamina that I used to. Honestly, the sh*t I could get done in a day… I’d whizz my daughter to dance class, get to the shops, see clients. Now? I just want to chill a little bit.

So, I’ve switched up my day. I do deep work in the morning. And at 3, 4pm, I honor my need to rest. I’ll take the dogs for a walk, meditate, connect with a friend for coffee. And maybe then when I’ve done those things to nourish my soul — I’ll see an evening client.

Try some new things on for size –experiment– not every action you take will be a home run but wisdom gained revealing what feels right, purposeful and fulfilling to you.

  1. Rewire Your Inner Dialogue
    Let’s cut to the chase here. You’ve already spent half your life beating yourself up, telling yourself you aren’t enough. Do you really wanna be 80 — and still judging yourself? 

Or, looking back on your life wishing you’d been more present with your children, partner… but you were just too damn wrapped up and consumed by your own thoughts?

Y’know, I’m just so done with it…

Ladies, it’s time to let go of those old stories holding you back. Next time you hear that inner critic tell you you’re ‘less than’ say to yourself: ‘I’ve got this. I’m committed to my growth.’ Or ‘I’m discovering day-by-day what my goals and priorities are.’

… And shut down that negative talk in its tracks.

  1. Cultivate Connection
    Most research will say, the number 1 predictor of happiness is the quality of our social relationships. Take this from an introvert! (Or rather a social introvert — I love people, but can handle them better in smaller groups…) 😉

But, that being said…

Here, we’re talking positive relationships. The ones that inspire, support, and challenge us. A diverse network — whether that’s seeing your best friend for lunch, or clicking with a virtual Mastermind group. Connecting with your sister, or a work colleague living overseas…

These things keep us sharp, our wellbeing intact. They light us up.

Because the truth is, the struggle is real. Midlife is tough. There’s no denying it. But I know with my whole being, that if you can adapt your habits and mindset to embrace these changes — you will reap the difference in your life…

And glide into the next phase, with power, purpose and meaning. On your terms. 

XO

Holly

P.S. Tell me, what are your top strategies for dealing with the chaos of midlife? Which older women truly inspire you? Comment below (or drop me an email) I’d absolutely love to know! 

Your New BFF

Your New BFF

Dear Future Me…

Want to boost your mood, improve your outlook on life, pinpoint where your greatest efforts might be served, and create some accountability along the way. Imagine your future self! Picture yourself, thriving and living a full, happy life. Researchers call this your BPS-Best Possible Self and study after study say it packs a powerful punch.

Personally, I’m a big fan of this exercise. For so many of us in midlife who question what’s next and where to go from here, it’s a simple yet highly informative way to start fleshing out a new path leading the way into the second half of our lives.

Getting To Know Your Future Self

  1. Carve out undistracted time – find a place where you’ll have limited to no interruptions.
  2. Select a time in your future – anywhere between one year from now to no more than five.
  3. Spend a few moments visualizing your best future self, consider your –
    Personal Life including your interests, hobbies, health preferences, and any accomplishments you’d like to go            after. Professional Success this includes your career and job, what brings you a sense of purpose, any educational pursuits, your income bracket, and what you’d like for your retirement. Social Life your romantic or dating life, the friends you seek and keep, your relationship with your family, and any regular social activities.
  4. Describe your future self at that time – imagine you’ve invested the time and energy to actualize your best self. What does your life look like? What are you doing personally, professionally, and socially? How do you feel? Think? Experience Life?

Note: It’s important to remember that the purpose of this exercise is not to visualize  your greatest fantasy, but rather your best possible, attainable future.

From this identity you can then start to take action. Asking yourself what would my future best self do right now in this moment. This way of thinking can help you restructure your priorities and serve as a roadmap. So that when you wake up first thing in the morning and throughout your day your BPS can now be your BFF encouraging you to align with those actions that you know support your end game.

With the new year around the corner, this is a perfect exercise to take advantage of so you can hit the ground running in 2022!

Wishing You The Best Of Success

-Holly-

Anxious?

Anxious?

The Elephant In The Room

Believe it or not there’s nothing wrong with you. Anxiety affects tens of millions of people world wide, though we don’t talk about it, many of us grapple daily with intrusive thoughts and worries — sometimes to a disabling degree. Quite frankly, it’s a very normal response to unprecedented times where the bombardment of email, social media, and onslaught of constant world news is now the norm. We never get an opportunity to shut down or recover, unless we consciously take steps to do so. There is only so much the human mind and body can process and wrap ourselves around. In this month’s blog post, I’m inviting you to consider the role anxiety may be playing in your own life, and options you have for making it better. 

After close to 20 years in the helping profession, as therapist and now women’s leadership coach, the one thing I have come to learn for sure is that there is no one silver bullet or magic pill out there that serves as a cure-all. Just as there is no one thing that causes us anxiety, we need to consider a number of practical shifts we can make daily that will help to build our own collection of anti-anxiety strategies. From simple self-calming techniques to fundamental lifestyle and perspective shifts, I will offer suggestions on a wide-range of anti-anxiety tactics that are now out there and proven to be making a huge difference in the quality of people’s lives.

Combatting Anxiety One Step At Time

*Please note-anti-anxiety tactics are not numbered in any intentional order to follow 

#1: Nutrition– The relationship between food, mood, and anxiety is garnering more and more attention. There is a growing body of evidence and research explaining how anxiety can be triggered by inadequate nutrition. Here, I share a great article found in Experience Life Magazine titled ANTI-ANXIETY EATINGIt gives you the skinny and the scoop along with four key nutritional strategies that support a calmer state of mind. It’s a great place to start understanding how our eating habits can be vital in keeping anxiety at bay. 

#2: Sleep– Sleep plays an essential role in regulating our emotions, behavior, and physiology. Experts agree that 7-9 hours of sleep are necessary for optimal health and wellbeing. However, as many as 40% of adults are sleep deprived, or regularly getting less than 6 hours a sleep a night. As someone who has struggled with quality sleep issues herself, this has become a number one priority for me to master as I know the toll it has taken on my mind and body.  After much personal research, I have come up with an arsenal of sleep strategies ranging from deep breathing exercises, pre-bed-time rituals, understanding the effects of caffeine and alcohol on my system, along with tips for dealing with sleep interruptions and falling back to sleep. Here, I share a great podcast found on The Living Experiment “SLEEP” episode. Well worth carving out some time to listen to, it covers all you need to know.

#3: Exercise– Nothing surprising here, physical activity as we all know is a key factor when it comes to fighting off anxiety. From the obvious of  creating a venue to release pent up emotions as well as distracting us from daily stressors-as it’s really hard to exert ourselves physically and ruminate on negative thoughts. But there is also a real science (“EFFECTS OF EXERCISE AND PHYSICAL ACTIVITY ON ANXIETY” by Elizabeth Anderson and Geetha Shivakumar) behind how exercise reduces stress hormones and stimulates productions of endorphins which together help foster a calmer state of mind. 

#4: Social Connections– Meaningful relationships and physical interaction with others is a critical factor in helping to mitigate anxiety. People need people, whether you consider yourself an introvert or extrovert, having the support of others tells our brain that we are safe, loved, and accepted. It’s not about the quantity of relationships but rather quality and most importantly physical proximity. Do not mistake likes on your social media page to go the distance. Or texts to qualify for meaningful conversations. Carve out time on your calendar to be with those who lift you up, make you laugh and support the best version of yourself. 

#5: Digital Diet– Unplugging from the digital world is a great way to reduce the stress that being “on” all the time brings into our lives. Start powering down, limit the number of emails or texts that you send. Pick up the phone and have an actual conversation with someone or better yet go with face to face contact. Turn off your alerts from time to time, put your phone on silence mode, and only check into all correspondence or social media during specifically set times of your day for only a set amount of time each day. Create boundaries…technology isn’t going to slow down, it’s only going to become more consuming.

#6: Spend time Outdoors– Research indicates that getting out into nature reduces anxiety by increasing the activity of the parasympathetic nervous system, the part of the nervous system responsible for digestion and rest; part of its activity involves slowing the heart rate. When the parasympathetic nervous system is active, physical side effects of anxietydecrease and subjective feelings of peace and relaxation increase. It doesn’t have to be a big grand gesture like a hike in the mountains, simply just stepping outside, breathing in the fresh air, feeling the sun or wind on your face, and focusing your attention on the sights sounds, and smells around you can be enough to make a difference. But of course, the more you make a point to get outside the greater the benefits you will reap.

#7: Medication– As a former therapist I understand that everyone has different levels, types, and ways their body experiences anxiety. In some instances, when anxiety becomes so debilitating that putting into practice any of the above tactics becomes far reaching, medication may be a consideration. This is when it is time to consult with your doctor or a mental health practitioner. But with the understanding that anxiety is not like an infection that can be cured with medication. As it only helps to dull anxiety, acting as a bridge to access life long coping skills that when practiced daily can truly eradicate anxiety.

The reality is, life is challenging. There is no sugar coating that but I know despite how hectic, stressful, and complicated life can get, every woman with the right “tools” and self-knowledge can live a life with greater ease and success!

Wishing You Always The Best Of Success

-Holly-