presence in the moment Archives

Want Massive Impact On Your Relationships?

by Holly Boxenhorn | Oct 6, 2022 | Blog

Hearing vs. Listening

Hey there!

If you have kids to keep tabs on you’re probably much like I used to be:

The friend who’s always saying “Ooops, I’ll just be a sec” while taking out your phone in the middle of a conversation…

— nodding, eyes rolling, while the voice on the end of the line sniffles through another box of Kleenex —

… and then finishing with an exaggerated “Sorry, so sorry” as you place your phone on the table, face down to mark that you’re BACK.

Here, now. Present. Listening.

(Of course you don’t need to have a heartbroken daughter to be that friend. The same habits of distraction work perfectly with texts or anything you MUST get to on your phone right now.)

But, here’s the truth of that scenario: I wasn’t ‘listening’ to anybody.

Not the friend I’d met for tequila and gossip. Or the daughter who needed my attention.

And I have a feeling that this will resonate with you, because in our crazy frenetic world, listening falls short on our list of priorities—yet, it’s a HUGE piece with my clients.

Because how you choose to listen has a direct correlation with how you choose to show up in the world—and a massive impact on your relationships.

So, let’s start by unpacking the 3 main levels of listening, with a rolling example:

>> Subjective Listening

At this level, listening is based on the agenda or needs of the listener. Whatever is said is heard through the lens of the listener and/or how it relates to the listener. It rarely satisfies the person who’s speaking, because they’re unlikely to feel heard…

Speaker: ‘I’m really upset today. This project’s falling apart.’

Subjective response: ‘Yeah, I hate when that happens. My day isn’t going so well either…’

>> Objective Listening

In this level, the listener is completely focused on the person who’s speaking. There are NO thoughts about how any information relates personally to the listener. This level is very effective, but skirts over the issue…

Speaker: ‘I’m really upset today. This project’s falling apart.’

Objective response: ‘Hmmm. It certainly seems like you’re concerned that things aren’t going as they should be…’

>> Intuitive Listening

At this level, the listener hears all sensory components and intuitively connects to the speaker’s real message. The listener pays attention to not only what the speaker is saying, but also to their tone of voice, energy level, or feelings.

Speaker: ‘I’m really upset today. This project is falling apart.’

Intuitive response: ‘Oh no, what’s going on?? Sounds like you’re really invested in this project and your efforts aren’t being reflected so far. Is there more you can do?’

In life, you’ll listen at all three levels. You’re human! It’s inevitable.

But learning to truly listen to what others say is the difference between being a good communicator or a dynamic communicator.

And by becoming aware of your level of listening, you can take steps to move yourself to the deepest level…

In the third example above, the listener also paid attention to what was NOT being said. Intuitive listening is hearing ‘between the lines’ and tuning into what’s really being said. It’s the most powerful form of listening and allows the listener to really connect with the speaker.

Because, here’s the truth…

It can be a profound experience when someone ACTUALLY listens to what you’re saying.

So, I guess you’re wondering—how can you become a more intuitive listener?

Well, here are my top 5 quick tips to actively move up through those levels of listening:

1. Maintain eye contact. When you’re looking someone in the eye, you have no choice but to pay attention. (And there will be no question about whether you are!)

2. Listen with a beginner’s mindset. When we’re new to a situation we pay greater attention to the details, and are truly present in the moment. Conversely we take for granted the comfort level we have with people and situations we’re familiar with.

So next time your partner complains about their day, stop and listen to them with an open mind and heart.

3. Don’t interrupt the speaker. Save your questions and comments until a person finishes talking, and you’re able to absorb what they are saying.

4. Be attentive to non-verbal cues. Paying attention to what a person doesn’t say is as important as being attentive to their words. Look for non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and posture to get the full gist of what the person is conveying.

5. Rephrase what’s being said to you: (This one is a coach’s tip!) Once the person’s finished speaking, rephrase in your own words what you believe they’re sharing with you, to confirm you understand them correctly.

For example, you might say: “It sounds like you’re saying […] am I on target?” or “From what I’m hearing […] is that about right?”

Never underestimate the value in a deeper level of listening! Not only will the listener feel validated, but you’ll get SO much more from your relationships…

(Believe me, it’s in these moments where rapport is built, trust is established, conflict is resolved, and true success is created.)

So, next time you’re out for lunch with an old friend and your phone goes—ignore it. Instead, look them in the eye, make them feel heard…

… And tell your daughter you’ll call her back, when you have the space to actually listen, and give her words the attention they truly deserve.

Holly

P.S. Did you know the average person’s rate of listening is 400-550 words per minute, while our speech runs at 110-160? Crazy, huh? Any of us can get distracted or lose focus… But, if you know someone whose mind wanders more than most, forward them this post. 😉

Presence In Your Moments??

by Holly Boxenhorn | Sep 1, 2022 | Blog

Mindfulness..what is all the hype about?

I’ll bet the men in your life are pretty in awe of your ability to multitask…

Writing up shopping lists. Helping your daughter through her latest heartbreak. Running a Fortune 500…

(Okay, very few of us are in the last bracket. But you get the picture…)

For years we’ve been in a constant state of flux. GO GO GO!

And now? Maybe it’s just me but in line at the supermarket, all the headlines I see on Elle or Cosmo are… telling me to slow down.

Train Your Mind, Transform Your Life.

3 Secrets To Mindful Eating.

Mindful Menstruation: Here’s How It Works

Huh?! Well, at least I don’t need to worry about the last one… 😉

Seriously ladies, this change in tempo? It’s kind of comical… But such an important piece for our wellbeing.

That’s why, this month I’m tackling the subject of Mindfulness. What it is…

And why you don’t have to be a yogi master to practice it…

So, let’s start at the top. What is Mindfulness?

By definition, mindfulness is a quality of being present and fully engaged with whatever we’re doing at the moment. Free from distraction or judgment, and aware of our thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them.

And there are sooo many different ways to practice it…

Meditation is the formal mindfulness practice you’re probably aware of. In fact I’d even go so far as to say, it’s a superpower.

Slowing your brain has been shown to thicken the pre-frontal cortex, managing higher order brain function. In other words, it increases your awareness, concentration, and decision making…

Which in turn, plays an important role in our emotional regulation, and helps us to create a pause so we’re not hijacked by our emotions—and less reactive in this crazy stressful world we’re living in.

(Plus, studies show how we can lose up to 10 IQ points and close to 2 hours in a day to daily distractions! Crazy, right?)

Informal mindfulness on the other hand, is where we consciously bring a quality of attunement, attention and awareness to all areas of our life. Whether that be with a conversation with our child or friend, driving in the car, or just savouring the taste of a good meal.

The truth is, you don’t have to be a blissed out guru to feel the benefits of mindfulness in your everyday life…

And if the thought of meditation feels a little alien or overwhelming, you’re not alone…

(In fact, when I started practicing I literally had a piece of paper on the floor in my office—that I had to step over—that would remind me to meditate!)

Because here’s the secret… let the habit grow organically. Ease, mindfulness into your life, so you can feel the benefits and it becomes second nature to you.

So, here’s a sneak peek at my 7 day Informal Mindfulness Challenge:

Pick at least one typical daily activity per day. It may be brushing your teeth, getting dressed in the morning, walking your dog, eating a meal, walking to the mailbox…
Take a few mindful deep breaths. Take note of what is happening for you right in the here and now as you move into the activity.
Proceed with the activity as if it is the most important thing in the world, with great curiosity and care.
As you do the activity tune into all your senses. What do you see, hear, smell, feel tactilely?
Just do this one thing, no multi-tasking, only single tasking here. Instead of trying to just get it done quickly so you can move on to something else, invest 100% of your effort on that chosen activity. And as best you can keep your full attention on what you’re doing.

Every time your mind wanders off, simply notice, do not judge it or yourself for wandering off (this is NORMAL) and just simply return your attention back to your breath and the activity.

Keep returning to the present moment over and over again even if it seems like it’s your 100th time. Some find it helpful to say a few guided words silently to themselves, for example:

‘I am now talking to my daughter…’

‘The water feels hot on my skin as I am washing the dishes…’

‘The air is cold as I walk to the mailbox…’

The more you do this. The more you become aware of your surroundings, what you’re feeling, tasting and touching, the more you’ll notice something remarkable…

It seeps into everything you do. The more you’ll stop and be in the moment.

Since I started this practice I’ve become SO much more present in my relationships. With my husband. With my children.

Because ladies, ask yourself this…

Don’t you deserve to be more present in your life? Don’t you deserve to simply enjoy yourself, stop and smell the roses? Like, if not now, when?!

FACT: No-one ever laid on their deathbed, and felt proud because they’d ticked off everything on their to-do list…

No, you want to be able to say: I was present…

For my conversations with my son.

For walking the dogs. Traveling. Exploring the world. Swimming in the ocean.

I think you owe yourself that much.

Holly

P.S. Any Mindfulness practice can feel overwhelming when we start. Remember, it’s okay if your mind wanders—so long as you bring it back! I’d love to hear how you get on. Hit reply and let me know…

Out For Recess!

by Holly Boxenhorn | Apr 1, 2021 | Blog

Time To Take Play Seriously

Want to actualize your potential? Well, go out and play! More and more research is showing that the power of play is just as valuable for adults as it is for kids, opening us up to optimizing our potential in every area of our life. We give kids recess time to run around, blow off stem, and just be themselves, why don’t we treat ourselves the same way? There’s the obvious benefits of adding more fun in our lives, releasing stress and enhancing our relationships as often when we play we participate in games or fun activities with friends and family bringing us closer together. But the power of play goes well beyond that, stimulating our brain functioning, expanding our energy, promoting better sleep, boosting our confidence and creativity, all setting the stage for us to set more ambitious goals for ourselves. You see, play has a major ripple effect in our lives, having less to do with how we choose to play and more about it being a state of mind that encourages presence in the moment, a suspension of self-consciousness, and opening us up to new experiences.

Take it from a recovering serious minded adult, making more time for playfulness in my life has been a game changer. Gone are the days of feeling guilty for using my time only to check one more thing off my to do list. Truth is when I include more play in my life, I’m more inclined to get things done. I feel lighter and like myself more, feeling inspired to live my life more fully. With all that being said, as simple as the concept of play is, it’s actually really hard for most adults to practice. But once you get in the habit of it, it’s just like riding a bike…

5 Pathways To Create More Play In Your Life

Simple Delights: These are the little things we can do throughout our day that add a little boost of levity to it. Maybe having a private dance party listening to your favorite song, playing with your pet(s), watching a heart warming video, sharing a laugh with a friend, spouse, family member, or just getting outside to feel the sun on your face. What ever floats your boat, I highly suggest indulging in a minimum of two simple delights daily.
Purposeful Play: Here we actually schedule play on the calendar. Whether you join a weekly tennis league, attend a monthly bookclub, sign up for a cooking class, it’s a commitment you make to ensure you are getting out to play. Remember it’s not so much about the activity as it is your state of mind. Play can be anything that provides a sense of enjoyment, it’s self-motivating and makes you want to do it again.
Chore Play: This is where we try to bring some fun to those everyday tasks that need to get done. Dancing while we do the dishes, blasting some feel good music while we fold the laundry, creating some friendly competition around the house where family members can earn a “prize” for helping out, or building in our own special reward when at last that closet is cleaned out.
Play Space: Let’s face it, they’ll be tons of reasons and excuses to back burner our fun so creating an environment that supports more play in our life will be key. Whether that be a wide open space where we can dance, roll out our yoga mat, hang a hammock in the sun, set up a crafting corner, or simply find a visible place where we can be keep our play gear easily accessible making it all that more easy to go out and play.
Change It Up: Little or big, it’s about doing something radically different to embody a sense of playfulness in your life. On the smallest level it might be wearing that bold colored lipstick, eating lunch with your left hand if your right handed, or painting your nails different colors. On a bigger level, maybe you cut your hair short, register for an improv class, or go sky diving. Again it’s not about what you do as long as it’s something you normally wouldn’t do.

Best place to start would be to craft your own playlist. What makes you come alive, fill you up, make your heart sing? From reading a book to running a marathon, write it all down. Spring has sprung, summer is on its way, create a list and build more play time into your life. As it turns out, playing is way more than just fun and games, making it an important part of optimizing our growth.

Wishing You The Best Of Success

-Holly-