3 Step Secret To Guaranteed Success…

3 Step Secret To Guaranteed Success…

by | Apr 5, 2023 | Blog

It’s Easier Than You Think! 

Picture this… 

You’re 52—and finally met the man of your dreams. He’s kind, generous, and with 3 sons, it’s your chance to build the family you always longed for. 

You had an incredible wedding, and those two weeks in Paris were simply… *Sigh*

But, back home, when the confetti settles, and he carries you over the threshold? You’re backdown to earth with a jolt.

Because, your husband’s boys resent you. 

They turn away when you speak to them…

And while you never wanted to take the place of their mother, you’re locked into the fear that they could achieve exactly what they set out to do—and drive a wedge between you and your husband. 

‘Hardly the Brandy Bunch’ you think with irony. 

But, the truth is, all those fears you can’t think straight, and cannot see how to resolve this. 

Well, that was Monica’s story. And talking this through in one of our sessions, I knew she needed only one thing… 

The ABC Gameplan. 

Now, the ABC Gameplan is all based around one central premise: success no matter what. 

It’s perfect if you have an all-or-nothing mentality—or in those scenarios when you find fear, uncertainty or plan old procrastination stopping you from making those decisions crucial to your well being.

>> Want to wake up each morning and go for a run? 

>> Need to look for a new job, but just cannot find the time? 

>> Want to find a way to heal a relationship with your spouse’s children—or anyone in your life? 

You need the ABC Gameplan. 

And here’s how it works… 

First, break down any objective into 3 possible outcomes:

  1. Plan A: the ideal situation you want from any scenario. 
  2. Plan B (or your backup plan…)
  3. Plan C: your safety net, or the bare minimum you need to succeed.

Here’s an example: 

Jesse, my daughter, phoned at 2am with terrible stomach cramps. We talked and talked, and after we decided what she should do next, I wound up laying there, mind racing, staring at the ceiling.

Now, you may remember how much I love to work out. But that morning I had zero desire to move my body… 

So, I started with the bare minimum! Pushups to see if I was in the mood. B? Lifting those weights. And before I knew it, I was on my A plan—and the Peloton with Robin Arzon.

Do you see what happened there? I gave myself grace to achieve the bare minimum—and that’s totally the point of the ABC Gameplan.

Now, it’s important to remember the ABC Gameplan is not all about hitting your A. In fact, usually you won’t because that perfectionist mindset will creep in.

But the crucial thing to remember is: progress over perfection.

Because here’s the deal… 

So many women I see are completely caught up in an all-or-nothing mentality—which in itself stops them from moving forward.

Maybe you feel this too?

But, understanding that there is a natural ebb and flow to success can help reduce what I call the ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’ syndrome… 

Or in other words, just because you feel frustrated, challenged or disappointed with your progress towards a particular goal, it doesn’t mean you should fall back into limiting beliefs—and throw in the towel.

So, what happened to Monica?

Well, more than anything she wanted to create a happy, unified family. So, she invited her stepsons over for dinner with her ABC Gameplan in mind…

And this is how that looked for her:

A: Enjoy dinner and spend time together. 

But Monica knew she couldn’t control their behavior—or a bunch of other influencers might get in the way. So…

B: To say to herself: ‘Okay, if it doesn’t go well, I’m not going to take what they say so personally.’ 

C: (Or, in other words if the sh*t hits the fan?) To know how to respond better next time… 

Now, I’d love to say Monica hit her A first time. But, in reality she couldn’t get past a wobbly C.

However, over time, the ABC Gameplan served her well. It helped her to keep her cool, and build those bridges with her stepsons. They appreciated her patience, and now, she’s slowly hitting her A… 

Want to take your ABC Gameplan to the next level? Grab my 10 Question Toolkit and ignite a midlife reboot.

GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 Ways To Kick Your Inner Critic To The Curb…

3 Ways To Kick Your Inner Critic To The Curb…

by | Feb 8, 2023 | Blog

Gremlins + Bratz Dolls

Growing up, I never felt smart enough.

Next to my high achieving sisters everything for me was just that little bit harder… 

(And of course being dyslexic didn’t exactly help.)

Later, as a young, ambitious freshman enrolled at Emerson College my confidence took another knock when my heavy Noo Yawk accent and I were laughed out of the studio: ‘you sound like a cartoon character!’

… And my hopes of being a Broadcast Journalist were squashed.

Now, all that ultimately led to my becoming a qualified therapist and coach—and my life infinitely changed for the better. 

BUT… 

Every so often that feeling of inadequacy rears its ugly head—and I have moments of crippling self-doubt. 

Maybe you can relate? 

>> ‘You’re just not good enough…’ 

>> ‘Who are you kidding? At this stage of life?! You’re way too old…’ 

>> ‘No-one’s really interested in anything I have to say.’ 

Yup, I’ll bet that good ol’ Inner Critic just loves to whisper its sweet nothings in your ear—shaking your confidence and making you feel… irrelevant. 

Stronger than those 4 other energy blocks (Outer Blocks, Limiting Beliefs, Disempowering Assumptions or False Interpretations) our Inner Critic is mighty hard to silence.

It’s insidious…

It’s instinctual… 

And it runs a helluva lot deeper than the others. 

In fact, author and revolutionary thinker Lou Tice gave it a name—and put it far better than I ever could:

The Gremlin

 I am Fear

I am the menace that lurks in the paths of life, never visible

to the eye but sharply felt in the heart.

I am the father of despair, the brother of procrastination, the enemy of progress, the tool of tyranny.

Born of ignorance and nursed on misguided thought, I have

darkened more hopes, stifled more ambitions, shattered more ideals and prevented more accomplishments than history could record.

Like the changing chameleon, I assume many disguises.

I masquerade as caution

I am sometimes known as doubt or worry.

But whatever I’m called, I am still fear, the obstacle of achievement.

I know no master but one; its name is Understanding.

I have no power but what the human mind gives me, and I 

vanish completely when the light of 

Understanding reveals the facts as they are for I am

really nothing.

So, what can you do to deal with your Inner Critic (or banish your Gremlin, as Lou Tice called it) from your life, once and for all?

Well, the first thing to remember is: don’t try to suppress your Inner Critic. Ignoring it is not the same as dealing with it (and it just gives it permission to pop up at the most challenging moments in your life.)

Instead, you need to recognize it, learn from it, and leave your Inner Critic behind. 

And here are 3 ways I help my clients do just that:

  • Identify Your Inner Critic/Gremlin. 

Give it a name (but don’t choose the name of someone you know). Then, draw, create, or find a representation of it. 

And why does this work? 

Well, once you can see your Inner Critic as separate to yourself, you’ll have an ability to disregard it—and not allow it to own you.

  • Record Your Inner Critic In Real Time. 

Try not to push it away. Instead, over a week or two, listen to it and ask yourself: ‘If your thoughts had words, what would they be saying?’

Identify those common words, or themes. Do any come up repeatedly? Do they sound like someone from your past who was critical of you?

  • Face Up To Your Inner Critic.

And ask yourself… 

‘How would your success be different if your Inner Critic was quietened?’ *

‘What will you do next time _____ shows up for you?’

* Remember, this is not the same as suppressing your Inner Critic! No, this asks how life would be different, if you could calmly recognize its voice—and had the control to leave it behind. 

Now, you may find, these exercises are not easy to do on your own. For many of my clients, it takes weeks of soul searching and real deep inner-work to get a strong sense of who your Inner Critic is—before you can even think about outing it. 

Because here’s the truth… 

Many of us don’t even realize when our Inner Critic takes over—or how damaging it may be to live with this voice, that slowly picks us apart. 

It’s become instinctual. 

But, with time and care, the exercises above WILL help you break those destructive patterns of behavior…

Kick your Inner Critic to the curb….

And regain your control over your thoughts—and this next glorious stage of life.

XO 

Holly

P.S. Remember Rebecca? Yep, she’s my Inner Critic, my Gremlin. If you’d like to see how I deal with her—and dig even deeper into ‘outing’ your Inner Critic in the process—you can read about her here. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Worry Much?

    Worry Much?

    by | Dec 3, 2020 | Blog

    How To Shake It Off

    Worry is an emotion that we’ve evolved to feel in the face of threat or danger. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s not all our fault, we inherited the genes that predispose us to give special attention to the negative aspects in our lives. Thanks to our ancestors we are all hard wired to experience worry, nervousness, fear, and apprehension. Being highly attuned to worst case scenarios is how, in pre-historic times, humans survived natural threats. In some situations worry isn’t all bad and can actually be beneficial, warning us about something that is valuable and requires our attention. But in many instances, worry is misguided energy, robbing us of greater happiness and success. 

    Unless we are under immediate threat, the emotion of worry is useless and counterproductive. It gets in our way to effectively problem solve, limiting our perspective and interfering with our abilities to concentrate and focus on what we can do in the here and now. On top of that statistics prove most of what we worry about never comes to fruition and only saps our motivation and mood. However, being a mother of two, admittedly I can go there with the best of over thinkers and proclaimed worry warts. So for myself as well as for my clients I have done my homework on this relevant topic and have come up with some great strategies and best practices to allay obsessive overthinking in order to redirect negative thoughts into more neutral or optimistic ones. 

    How To Shake It Off

    #1 Worse Case-Best Case-Most Likely Scenario-If we are going to make a mountain out of a mole hill we might as do it all the way. Here we take the adversity at hand and squeeze out all our worries and Worst Case Scenarios. But then we also make a list of all the Best Case Scenarios that can occur. In both cases, assign a percentage of  likelihood that each scenario listed could occur. Lastly, given the insight we gain we make a final list of Most Likely Case Scenarios along with their percentage of likelihood occurring. This happy medium shifts us to a place of problem solving to then create an action plan based on everything we know to be true right now, restoring rational thinking opposed to catastrophizing.

    #2 Distract, distract, distract-The mind cannot hold onto two thoughts at the same time. As simple as it sounds find an activity that is engrossing enough to lessen the pull towards worrisome thoughts. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as it absorbs your attention and is satisfying in some shape or form. Whether it’s crossing something off your to do list or enjoying the company of a dear friend.  And for those of you who question this strategy only being a short term solution, understand that any positive emotions you experience during those distracting activities can lift your mood and then open you up to new more objective and positive perspectives. 

    #3 Take in the bigger picture-Sometimes we can have the tendency to magnify our concerns. What seems to be so troublesome at the time can be quickly put into perspective when we ask ourselves if what’s preoccupying our mind will matter a year from now or a more extreme version…on your deathbed? If of course you resolve that the challenge you are enduring will indeed matter in a year from now, then it’s time to focus on flexing your resiliency muscles, focusing on lessons we can learn and a growth mindset…psychologist call this post-traumatic growth, vital tools we learn when facing life’s inevitable hardships.

    #4 Act to solve problems-Even if you’re feeling overwhelmed about your concerns and unsure what to do, take a small step. For example, research possible new jobs, see a financial adviser, consult a marriage counselor or divorce attorney. Even just writing a list of possible ways to improve a relationship with someone near and dear to you, maybe brainstorming ways to get more recognition at work or address unresolved health concerns. Each small step you take creates a ripple effect, providing wisdom and empowerment.

    #5 Designated worry time-As strange as this sounds, set aside 30 minutes in your day to do nothing but worry. Knowing you can create a “container” for your burdensome thoughts can be a great tool to honor the pull towards them yet loosen the grip of obsessive thinking throughout the whole day. Ideally, that 30 minute period should be at a time of the day you are not anxious or sad.

    #6 Journaling-Writing out your worries is a way of unburdening yourself of negative thoughts-spilling them out on the page, so to speak-helping you to organize and make sense of your thoughts and observe any patterns that you haven’t perceived before.

    #7 Talk to trusted people you respect/admire about your thoughts and worries-A lot of the time getting our worries off our chest can bring immediate reprieve from it’s intensity. Just make sure those you go to for support are objective, have your best interest at heart, come from a place of love, and are not inclined to jump on the negativity band wagon with you.

    #8 Breath to release worry-If this is up your alley, learn how to meditate. The skills involved in this relaxation technique can help distance ourselves from consuming thoughts and impart a positive sense of wellbeing. Many people who meditate claim that they find themselves feeling less burdened, worried, and stressed. 

    With all this being said, understand worrying is a normal response the brain has developed to keep us safe. While we can’t prevent ourselves from worrying (it’s how we humans are rigged), we can learn how to manage it more effectively so it doesn’t eat away at our greater wellbeing nor take away from our performance on any given day.

    Wishing You The Best Of Success

    -Holly-