Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

by | Oct 5, 2023 | Blog

4-Part Prescription For Cultivating Self-Love

‘Change of season, change of perspective…’ 

Was the thought in the back of my mind when I sat down to complete my Values Assessment for the nth time.

But I hadn’t bargained on exactly how much of a change it would be… 

Now, before I go any further, I should explain that a Values Assessment is a tool I use with all my clients, and something I encourage them to come back to, at least annually. 

And the Fall run up to the Holidays is the perfect time for this, because it forces us to turn our attention to ourselves—and lays valuable groundwork for January’s habit of setting goals and starting afresh.

(If you’ve never done one before, you can read more about that here.)

Now, I’ve been completing Values Assessments for as long as I’ve been a life coach (that’s well over a decade). And to put this into perspective, I’ve never uncovered the insight I discovered last week, namely that…

Self-Love is now my highest priority.  

And this got me thinking: why is this such a surprise for me, especially given I’m a Women’s Transformational Life-Coach? 

Well, the answer is right there…  

Why is Self-Love So Hard for Women To Achieve? 

Yup the truth is Self-Love is something almost impossible for us women to cultivate.

It feels self-indulgent… 

Selfish even…

And fact is, we’re just not socialized that way. 

Instead, we’re the life-bearers, the life-givers. We’re self-less. We put everyone else before ourselves, solve everyone else’s problems before our own…

And spend way too much time comparing our imaginary flaws to everyone else’s imaginary perfections. 

So that makes it even more impossible to suddenly be like ‘hey, I’m gonna love myself!’ 

And all that got me thinking… 

What if there was a prescription for Self-Love? A simple formula we could tap into whenever we need a little TLC? 

Well, that’s why after years of writing, speaking and working with women on this topic I’ve taken everything I’ve learned (including a bunch of lessons I’ve already shared with you) and rolled it up into one simple prescription that you can call on whenever the chips are down, and you need a little care and attention. 

And here is it… 

The 4-Part Prescription for Lasting Self-Love

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Put simply this is all about letting go of the perfectionist mindset we’ve been spoon-fed from day 1, and move ourselves towards an optimialist perspective. 

So what does that look like?

Well, The ‘Perfectionist’ is SO on point she fails to embrace reality. She’ll work 16 hours a day, AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect mother/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

Maybe this resonates? 

The ‘Optimialist’ on the other hand, is healthy and striving—but uses these high standards to fuel her growth. 

In other words, she rubs her vision up against reality. She aspires to be her best—within reason. And she understands that there are only so many hours in the day, and constructs a healthy optimal life within these boundaries. 

Now, you can read more about the difference here.

BUT. 

Essentially, part one of my 4-Part Process is about recognizing the difference between being a perfectionist or an optimialist. So you can move out of perfectionism and into Part 2 of my prescription… 

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism…

Which inevitably chips away at our wellbeing.

Now, self-compassion on the other hand, builds us back up. And it can be a great source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. 

And this is a 3-fold process: 

First, we must learn the practice of self-kindness…

Second, discover how to embrace our common humanity… 

And third, take a balanced approach to negative emotions.

Want to know more? You can read more about Kristen’s approach here. 

But, Part 2 really all boils down to this: being able to recognize when you’re falling into the trap of self-criticism and flipping that script to self-compassion. 

Part 3: Remember: That Manicure is Just a Myth

Now, I’ve talked about this before. (In fact, the Myth of a Manicure is probably one of my most popular emails.)

Why?

Well, it makes most women sit up and think. Reevaluate what true self-care really means for them. 

Because here’s what I like to tell them: 

Is it really fair to say getting a manicure, having a facial, or hanging out with friends is self-care?

Or can that be more accurately described as self-maintenance?

Now, don’t get me wrong I love getting massages, sitting down to read a great book or watching the latest episode of Ted Lasso.

(All of which certainly feel good in the moment but honestly short lived.)

But, if you want more bang for your buck like feeling:

  • More comfortable in your own skin
  • Confidence in who are and where you’re going
  • Energized and excited about your future

True self-care and self-love is going to have to include doing difficult things that our body, heart, and spirit need but may be hard… 

Like boundary setting, forgoing that second glass of wine, having that hard conversation, getting to bed earlier, or going for a mammogram.

Ugh. I know it’s not sexy. But unfortunately it’s essential.

(And if you’re not sure what that might be? Take the time to journal each day, and let what you really need bubble up to the surface.)

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

This last part is all about recognizing your own good qualities and strengths and building on those rather than focusing so much on weaknesses. 

And that starts with crushing the comparisonitis. 

Now, one way to press pause on this is to surround yourself with stories of women who truly inspire you.

And yes, I do this all the time! Some are my clients, and some are women out there right now, in the spotlight, who dare to radically reframe aging. 

Self-Love. If A Doctor Could Prescribe It… 

Here’s the thought I want to leave with you…

Self-love shouldn’t be something you feel ashamed of cultivating. 

It shouldn’t be something you’re surprised at feeling…

And you shouldn’t feel ashamed that it’s even on your radar.

(In fact, imagine if this was prescribed by a doctor?! I’d even go so far as to say I bet those prescriptions for Xanax or Zoloft would drop.)

Because it’s time to stop feeling less than, and embrace the love of you, now in this moment. 

I think you deserve that much… 

XO

Holly

P.S. QUICK RECAP… 

If you’d like to read up on any of any of the points I’ve made here in this prescription, here are the links you need: 

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Part 3: Remember! That Manicure is Just a Myth

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

 


                                                                                                                                 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    I AM…

    I AM…

    by | Jun 7, 2023 | Blog

    Who Are You? Really…?

    Here’s what I know to be true: every woman has wings. But some need help to color them in.

    Some are washed out. Some need to color over the lines. Others? A touch of glitter…

    Now, some clients, when they come to me, have incredible wings. Their feathers are bright. They sparkle (and they know it!)

    BUT… they’ve been clipped. They’re caged, and they’ve lost their voice.

    So, what do I mean by all this?

    Well, maybe life feels like a sh*tshow right now? Perhaps you woke up this morning and thought:

    • I’m so done with being someone’s puppet.
    • I’m f*cking clueless.
    • I haven’t had my voice for so long. 
    • I have no idea…
    • What do I really want?                                                                                                                                                                   

    Because here’s the truth: ALL of us, now and then, need help remembering who we are.

    Yes, that’s right. I don’t care how beautiful your wings are, or how you got here. Every woman comes to me at a different level—and could benefit from some more color, more life in her wings.

    Let’s try it out… 

    If I asked you ‘who are you?’ I expect your first thought would be to list what you do, or your relationship to other people: i.e. wife or mother, or your job title.  

    But these are labels defined by society, not the true essence of you. 

    So, what if you’re reading this and think: ‘Holly, I’ve spent so long looking after everyone else, I don’t know who I am. And I don’t know where to start…’

    Well, that’s where the ‘Who Am I?’ exercise comes in.

    Its purpose is simple: to understand how your strengths, gifts and values meld to form who you are.

    Because here’s the thing: every experience until this point has shaped your perception of the world…

    And that’s why midlife is the perfect time to find out what color you want your wings to be—or in other words, who you really are.

    So, grab a pen and paper, pour a glass of wine or a cup of tea, and work through the following questions:

     Step 1: Identify your key descriptors:

    • What are the 5-10 most important values in your life?
    • How would you describe the attributes you most like about yourself?
    • What do other people admire most about you—and what is the impact you have on them? 

    Hint: if you can’t objectively see your gifts and strengths, it can help to reach out to up to 5 people in various parts of your life, and ask what they see as your unique qualities, attributes, or characteristics. Ask, why do you mean so much to them? And how do you impact their life?

     (This also helps realize your impact, and gives you direction towards ‘who you are.’)

    • What core beliefs about life serve you best?
    • What makes you unique, or stand out from others?
    • What makes you feel most passionate, satisfied, and most fulfilled?
    • If you had to name one feeling that you would like to have most often, what would that be?

    Step 2: Put an X by the 5-10 most important words from the list you made, and convert those 5-10 descriptors to nouns. 

    (For example, if ‘being healthy’ is one of your key descriptors, convert to ‘health.’ If ‘honest’ is one, convert to ‘honesty.’)

    Step 3: Take these nouns and make them into ‘I Am’ statements. Feel free to combine more than one concept or idea in each statement. You should have at least 5 statements, beginning with ‘I am”. (For the examples above, your statements would be ‘I am Health’ and ‘I am Honesty.’)

    Step 4: Rank each order of these statements by numbering them from 1 (as the most powerful) to the least powerful/descriptive of the list.

    Record your final ‘I Am’ statements, in rank order below, so you can refer to them later on.

    Step 5: Finally, seriously consider all of your final ‘I Am’ statements in relation to how you currently live. And ask yourself:

    What adjustments could you make?

    How well do you currently bring who you are into everything you do?

    Look at the different roles you play in your life. You may be a spouse, a parent, a child, a worker, a sibling, a friend, etc. Which roles do you believe are true to yourself, or where your true self shines? Which roles does your true self hide?

    In other words: what color do you want your wings to be?

    Or who are you… really?

    XO

    Holly

    P.S. If you enjoyed this exercise, and want to go one step further, grab my 10 Question Toolkit. 

    It will give you the skillset to not only manage the midlife mayhem—but master it.

    GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

       

       

       

       

       

       

      Instant Clarity

      Instant Clarity

      by | Nov 2, 2022 | Blog

      The Secret…Knowing Your Core Values 

      Wow. Maybe it’s me, but every year it seems no sooner have we put the cap on the sunblock, we’re closing the door on the last trick or treater… 

      And before we know it, our attention turns to Thanksgiving, holidays and the endless whirlwind of present buying, baking and entertaining. *Phew.

      Yup. In this crazy run up to the holidays, it can be SO easy to fall prey to the needs of other people—and neglect all those areas that have the biggest impact in your life. 

      Meaning? 

      By the time your in-laws are round, and drinks are flowing, you can feel as burned out as that bird in the oven!

      So, the question is—how can we stay sane, productive, and successful, even when our attention is pulled in a million-and-one directions? 

      The secret lies in setting our values.  

      Now, a Values Assessment is something I use with ALL my clients—and something I encourage them to come back to, at least annually. 

      And the run up to the new coming year is the perfect time for this, because it forces us to turn our attention to ourselves, and lays the groundwork for January’s inevitable desire to set goals and start afresh. 

      Why should I define my core values? What makes this so important?

      Core values are the principles we choose to live by—those highly personal points of reference that emotionally affect and inspire us to take action. Here are the 3 main reasons to define your core values: 

      1. Shifting Priorities

      Here’s the deal. When you do get super clear on what’s MOST important to you, you’ll develop an actionable, meaningful ‘to-do’ list that aligns with your core values.

      And this is particularly important in midlife. Because so much of our lives have shifted, and altered—it’s easy to realize, what once was important is really immaterial (or at least, might need some tweaking!)

      For example, if you asked me five years ago what my core values were, I would’ve said ‘accomplishment’ and ‘productivity.’ But not any more… 

      Truth be told, I’ve replaced accomplishments with growth. Because for me, life isn’t so much about achieving anymore, it’s about growing into a better version of myself.

      Let’s look at some other examples…  

      For you, knowledge might be extremely important. So setting aside time to study, for private reading, and being involved in programs will become part of your weekly schedule.

      If health and wellbeing is your priority, it makes sense that you’ll eat right, exercise well, and get the sleep you need to thrive with optimum energy and vitality. 

      In short, all these things allow us to help organize and prioritize our time—but first we must discover which values are right for us.

      2. Making Decisions

      So often in life we find ourselves torn when making decisions. We agonize over the ‘right’ course of action to take, big or small. And when you throw stress and overwhelm into the mix, finding a resolution can become convoluted, and unnecessarily painful.

      Because the truth is, us women? We can do a number on ourselves! We can allow self-doubt to creep in, and don’t trust ourselves enough… 

      But we do know our values. 

      And when we line up our decisions with what we want to do, and how we want to show up—well, that’s when we discover what’s truly important. 

      I once had a client who lived a very corporate lifestyle. To keep herself aligned, she laminated her core values, and kept them with her at all times. And when she’d go to meetings, or have difficult client calls, she’d check in with them. 

      Why? It helped her clarify how she wanted to show up, and the right way for her to move forward.  

      3. Kickstarting Your Why

      Now, I could’ve said ‘motivation’ here… But I’ve said it before, motivation is something we cultivate, not something that just happens. 

      And if you wait for it, you’ll be waiting forever! 

      If we’re honest, I think a lot of us are confused. We’re living by other people’s standards, or agendas—and we never really take stock in what’s most important to us. 

      But when you articulate your why, now that will REALLY light a fire under your goals and objectives…

      How Do I Complete The Values Assessment? 

      Creating a list of values is personal work, and it’s work just for you.

      The first thing to know is, this isn’t a quick exercise. (And my list of values has gotten longer over the years, as clients have added to it!)

      But, as you’ll see it is an important, life changing one. 

      First, download and print out your Values Assessment here. 

      Then, find a quiet space to work uninterrupted, and take time for the following:

      1. Take a pencil and cross off everything that doesn’t resonate with you.
      2. Circle the values that do resonate. 
      3. Take these words and create up to five subgroups. Work intuitively.
      4. You will find within each group there are words that nail it for you, that encompass that subgroup. These are your core values. 

      So, How Do I Apply This To My Life?

      The true benefit in the Values Assessment comes from applying it to your life, and this can be challenging. Many women come to me and just cannot see a correlation between their goals and their values… 

      So that’s why, if you show me that you’ve completed the assessment, I’ll offer a free complimentary 30 minute breakdown of your results—where I tie each value down to your goals, and what you REALLY want from this next phase of life. 

      Ready? I can’t wait to see what it uncovers for you!

      Rooting for you,

      XO 

      Holly  

      P.S. Missed the link above? No sweat: download your free Values Assessment here. 

      And remember, once you’ve completed it, please contact me for a free complimentary 30 minute breakdown of your results.

       

       

      Living Life Authentically

      Living Life Authentically

      by | Jan 1, 2017 | Blog

      Keep It Real

       January 2017 Insights

      We each have our own unique way of learning, playing, living, and being. Greater success and happiness can only come when we are clear about who we are and what we value. Living our lives according to other people’s purpose is futile if we are truly seeking satisfaction and fulfillment within our own lives. The first step to accessing a thriving life is understanding what enhances the way YOU show up! (more…)

      Anabolic vs. Catabolic Energy

      Anabolic vs. Catabolic Energy

      by | May 1, 2016 | Blog

       Energy is Everything!

      May 2016 Insights

      Everything is composed of energy, including our thoughts! The lenses you see the world through creates your reality. We all enter the world without an opinion or belief about anything. Through our entire lives, influences of the world help form our core beliefs, values, and filters through which we experience the world around us.  As you are presented with situations, you pass them through the filters of your belief system. When they are in alignment, you judge them to be positive and good. When they go against your view, you may judge them to be negative or bad.

      Example: In my family, there has always been an emphasis on the value of a strong work ethic. In the past when when I would find myself  not working “full out”, my interpretation of this action would be that I am being lazy. When in fact there could be so many other reasons contributing to my actions (i.e. fatigue, disinterest, overwhelm, self-doubt, etc…)

      newsletter_einsteinAs our beliefs and values become established, we function on “auto pilot,” until we begin to experience dissonance and question them. Since many of our beliefs and values are given to us by others, we have the opportunity to evaluate the degree to which they support or hold us back. As a result, we can choose to make adjustments that align our beliefs with our true selves.

      If you view the world as an angry place, you will see situations and make interpretations that support your point of view. What you look for, you will find. Also…others with a similar point of view may be drawn to you. So if you notice you are surrounded by drama, explore what is drawing them to you. Where your focus goes, energy flows. This is actually the basis of the Law of Attraction!

      Energy attracts like energy and basically in a nutshell there are two different types of energy we can experience, catabolic or anabolic….

      Catabolic energy shows up in the form of stress. When we PERCEIVE a situation as being stressful, we may feel fear, doubt, worry, overwhelm, frustration, anger, resentment, or entitlement. When we are experiencing catabolic energy, our focus is on the pain or problem. Catabolic energy isn’t bad…It’s just an indicator of stress that is draining you. If you can get to the root of it, you can release it.

      Anabolic energy is not stressful. It is healing, positive, supportive, and expanding in nature. This allows the body to optimize itself. As a result, it’s easier to maintain a solution focus, feel energized, and propel ourselves forward to new possibilities and opportunities.

      As we go along our day we are exposed to a string of stimuli that has no meaning other than what our perception assigns it.  How we view a situation will either create stress (catabolic) or not (anabolic). The key is to become aware of the lens (energy) we use, catabolic vs. anabolic, that supports us in order to move forward in the most proactive and opportunistic way possible, driving us to greater success and happiness.

      Curious to know how your thoughts are creating your reality?

      How great would it be to have the ability to see opportunities when others see problems, and to see what’s right, instead of what’s wrong?

      Learn how to consciously recognize when you are reacting to life’s circumstances, even in the most challenging moments, and determine how you want to show up, catabolic or anabolically. Contact me today and discover a method where you can you identify any and all  core beliefs that may be holding you back from what it is you want in and for your life.

       

      Wishing You The Best Of Success

      -Holly-