The Dreaded ‘Trifecta of Midlife’ (and what you can do about it)

The Dreaded ‘Trifecta of Midlife’ (and what you can do about it)

by | Dec 1, 2023 | Blog

Why Do So Many Women Feel Irrelevant In Midlife 

I remember the first time it happened. 

I was standing in line at the bagel store looking down at my phone, when a voice in front of me called out—

“Can I help you Ma’am?”

Huh?

I turned around — 

And I’m thinking, ‘Who? Me? Ma’am?! Who’s ‘Ma’am?’

I was wearing sunglasses for heaven’s sake!

I’d just been working out. I had a vest on, my hair scrunched up on top of my head. 

Wow. Is it my hair? Is it my posture? What is it about me that looks so much older? (Yup, all these thoughts flashed through my mind in a nanosecond.)

“Ma’am?!” (He was getting impatient now.) “How can I help you?”

So, I sighed. And took a step forward in line—both literally, and metaphorically. 

Because somehow I’d moved up a notch. 

I was officially middle aged.  

And for a moment, that feeling my clients talk about so often flashed into my mind: 

‘I feel invisible. And irrelevant.’

Now, I’m okay sharing this with you because I know you feel the same. 

When? 

Every time you look in the mirror, second guess your dress choice—and that inner critic screams ‘you’re way too old for that!’ 

Every time you glance down at your stretch marks, and pull that coverup over your bikini…

Every time you walk past a construction site—and don’t get wolf-whistled. 

(C’mon… admit it! And yes, the feminist in me hated it too when I was younger.)

But all this is no surprise, because our youth obsessed society conditions us to believe that our relevance is attached to how attractive we are — 

Or how much attention we get from men.

But here’s the thing…

While that may be one reason, to pin it all on this is to do ourselves a disservice. Because irrelevance in midlife is about so much more than mere attractiveness…

And in fact, after a decade of hearing my clients agonize over this, I can tell you it comes down to not 1, but 3 universal truths (and my own personal spin on it…)

So, let’s start from the top…  

1. Our Youth Obsessed Culture

Washed up. Dried out. And my own personal favorite, ‘spinster.’ 

Yikes. Over the years there have been some damn offensive terms for a woman of a certain age (especially if she’d never been married). 

And although those terms are outdated now, you could argue they’ve been replaced by something else—a youth obsessed culture that tells us we have so much less to give physically or sexually…

Our social media feeds are full of makeup, hair extensions, and tight dewy skin. Lunch hour ‘botox-breaks’ are the norm. Younger women snap at the heels of our career…

Whoa. It’s no surprise that many of us still think our relevance is defined by how attractive men find us. 

Especially when you wake up and realize… 

2. You Don’t Feel ‘Middle Aged’

Just like my bagel-boy example above, the truth is middle age creeps up on us—then slaps us in the face with a jar of Pond’s cold cream. 

My point? It feels like only last week I was a ‘miss’—and now I’m a ‘Ma’am.’ (And an ex-runner turned Peloton obsessive, with two hip replacements to boot.) 

WTAF? 

Now, however middle-aged is ‘supposed’ to feel, I’m not feeling it. And neither is anyone around me…

(Heck, even Carrie Bradshaw and co are struggling.)

3. Your Life is Changing Up

Children leaving home, going to college and getting married…

Parents aging—and needing so much more from us…

Technology, AI and feeling like we can’t keep up… 

Good and bad, wherever we look, the world—and our lives—are changing. 

And when you throw menopause into the mix, well, you could say the very definition of midlife is ‘change.’

Physically and mentally, midlife throws so much more at us than we bargained for… 

And that brings me to bonus point number 4, or my own personal take on this… 

Your Way Forward Has Disappeared. And There Is No Roadmap…

Here’s the deal: most of us have spent our lives putting others first. We’ve been the perfect wife, mother or daughter for so long… 

We’ve been to college, raised families, and had successful careers. 

In fact, we’ve been spoon fed since day one what we should and shouldn’t be doing, how we can excel, how we should operate as women. And I strongly believe us Gen-Xers, the late baby boomers have had the worst of it.  

In short? We’ve had many, many decades of putting ourselves in a box of what everyone else should expect us to do.

We’ve never tapped into our true, authentic self. We’ve never found out what our preferences might actually be. (Or we abandoned them for family and work.)

We’ve played nice and not ruffled any feathers.

And as a result? When our children leave home, or career changes up, we feel tired and irrelevant…

Our purpose has vanished…

And we find ourselves asking… 

“Who am I anyway?” 

Maybe this resonates?

Well, if it does, know this, you are definitely not alone. (In fact, I can’t tell you how many clients come to me with those exact same feelings.) 

But here’s the deal: it doesn’t have to be that way. And it’s never too late to flip the script on this.

The Secret? Learn How To Invest in Yourself in Midlife

Now, don’t get me wrong. This isn’t easy when you’ve spent a lifetime thinking about the wants, needs and preferences of others…

But this is your time now.  

And you must take these steps. Because every single woman I know who overcomes her feelings of irrelevance is invested in her own self development—they focus on their personal growth, they work out what their interests might be, they take up new hobbies. 

They refuse to buy into our youth obsessed culture—because they know it’s just one narrative. Online, they follow women who inspire them, and light them up. They embrace an Experimental Mindset. 

They know their world is there to be shaped, and they refuse to give in…

And second? They stay connected. They join clubs, and move amongst people who see them for what they truly are. They feel seen, heard, and relevant.

In fact, this is the exact reason I don’t feel irrelevant. (Well, at least until some young server dares to call me ‘Ma’am.’ 😉

Seriously now. I’ve done the legwork, I have exposure to so many tools to help me, and I’m lucky to be in this industry.

And the reason I don’t have that piece is because I’ve built a very strong sense of self. 

I know who I am. 

And I’m here to help you feel the same. 

XO 

Holly 

P.S. If you’re reading this thinking, ‘but Holly, I’ve no idea what my own preferences and needs, wants and desires might be!’ My 10 Question Toolkit is a great place to start. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do we know what’s right for us NOW in midlife?

How do we know what’s right for us NOW in midlife?

by | Nov 9, 2023 | Blog

A Seven Step Prescription For an Experimental Mindset in Midlife

Now, if you’re reading this I’m assuming you’re the kind of woman who’s regularly looking for new ways to up her game—and feel fitter, happier, and more contented in your life? 

But, in your never ending search for more, do you ever feel like there’s just too much out there? 

And I mean ‘too much’ in the way of…  

What you should be doing? 

How you should be exercising? 

What you should be eating? (Not to mention all the scary conditions just waiting round the corner, that make you feel like staying under the covers.)

Well, how the heck should we know what’s right for us, and take a balanced approach to staying healthy and well —

Or even get into our good place (the magic) ✨ with everything that’s going on?

Well, THAT was the exact question I was asked on a podcast recently, and it’s something I’ve been mulling over ever since. 

Because although I do my damndest to pull back the curtain on midlife, and help women uncover the right path for them, even I feel bombarded by all the ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’ out there…

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: the key to tell what’s right for you, and uncover your truest sense of self, is to embrace an experimental mindset. 

Now before you stop and say, ‘Holly, I just don’t jive to that! I want absolutes, not more things to try out!’ 

 … Just hear me out for a second. 

Because the truth is you’re going to have to embrace this if you want to figure out what really lights you up in life.

So that’s why I came up with my 7-Part Prescription for an Experimental Mindset.

(And yes, I called it ‘prescription,’ because if you’re feeling resistant—it’ll make it easier to swallow. Plus it’s exactly what the doctor ordered. So here’s what that looks like:

1. Investigate

Start by thinking about those people who are in alignment with your value base*, your personality and what lights you up. Follow them on social media, read their books, listen to their podcasts, watch their films. 

Then…

2. Choose

In other words, based on your intuition and what feels right for you—pick an idea or strategy to try on for size.

Now, the beautiful truth here is we’re so much wiser now! And SO DONE with anything that no longer serves us. And yes, it’s time to get ruthless. Delete the feed from the 20 year old doing lunges, or the influencer in hotpants that makes you feel inadequate. 

And instead replace them with inspirational women. Women who embody who you are, and where you want to go. Trust me, it’ll serve you in the long run… 

3. Experiment

This is all about establishing your strategy. Not sure what that is? Take advice from friends, your doctor, people you respect—in other words, people who you know have your best intentions at heart. 

(And if you’ve been thinking about trying that plant-based diet, or taking up pickleball? Now’s the time to do it…)

4. Listen to Subjective Feedback

The crucial thing to remember here is any new start will (probably) feel sticky at first. In fact, that’s totally understandable. Ask yourself—is it a natural fit for you? Or does it rub up against who you are, and how you approach things?

Subjective feedback means listening to your gut, and using your intuition. (Remember you’re so much wiser now!) 

5. Get Objective Feedback

This is exactly as it sounds—ask others for tangible results. 

So what does that look like? Well, if you were a client, this is where understanding my 7 energy levels are a HUGE advantage, and I’d ask you where you’re resonating at right now. 

But if you’re not, ask someone you trust. Are you more energized? Do you seem happier, or more contented? 

Finally, take a step back and objectively ask yourself how you’re doing. (This may sound counterintuitive, but don’t forget: there’s real truth in your own objective wisdom.) 

6. Evaluate

Are you getting the results you desire? Are you excited, committed, eager to continue? (And have you given it enough time?!) 

Which leads me to…

7. Re-evaluate

Now this step is crucial! I can’t say it enough…

Why? Because so often we don’t give something a chance to work! We disregard fasting because it’s too damn hard, we turn up the heat on our cold shower, we pack in the yoga because we’ll never be able to bend like we could in our teens… 

Well, maybe not. But y’know what? Who cares! And if you’ve learned anything by now in life you know none of this is going to be a homerun. You’re not going to knock it out of the park first time…  

But the important thing is you trust the process, and you’ve reached the best conclusion for you, by assessing and evaluating. 

And know this: You’re already a success in showing up for yourself. You became one the moment you chose to stand up and age powerfully.

Rooting for you, 

XO

Holly

P.S. I know this isn’t easy! Whatever age you are, starting something new can make you feel nervous, scared, and afraid you’ll fail. But as I like to say: ‘if not now when?!’ 

… And there’s no failure in trying something new. 

Now, if you want to learn more about embracing an experimental mindset in midlife, there are 2 things you can do next:

  1. Listen to the podcast episode, that kickstarted all this. Yup, this entire prescription came out of one simple question that Maryann LoRusso asked me on the More Beautiful podcast. (It’s amazing what happens when someone inspires you, right?)
  1. *Take my Values Assessment. If you’re new to this journey, and not sure what your true, core values are anymore (yes, they are changing up big time now in midlife) my Values Assessment will help you figure that out. 

 

 

 

 

I AM…

I AM…

by | Jun 7, 2023 | Blog

Who Are You? Really…?

Here’s what I know to be true: every woman has wings. But some need help to color them in.

Some are washed out. Some need to color over the lines. Others? A touch of glitter…

Now, some clients, when they come to me, have incredible wings. Their feathers are bright. They sparkle (and they know it!)

BUT… they’ve been clipped. They’re caged, and they’ve lost their voice.

So, what do I mean by all this?

Well, maybe life feels like a sh*tshow right now? Perhaps you woke up this morning and thought:

  • I’m so done with being someone’s puppet.
  • I’m f*cking clueless.
  • I haven’t had my voice for so long. 
  • I have no idea…
  • What do I really want?                                                                                                                                                                   

Because here’s the truth: ALL of us, now and then, need help remembering who we are.

Yes, that’s right. I don’t care how beautiful your wings are, or how you got here. Every woman comes to me at a different level—and could benefit from some more color, more life in her wings.

Let’s try it out… 

If I asked you ‘who are you?’ I expect your first thought would be to list what you do, or your relationship to other people: i.e. wife or mother, or your job title.  

But these are labels defined by society, not the true essence of you. 

So, what if you’re reading this and think: ‘Holly, I’ve spent so long looking after everyone else, I don’t know who I am. And I don’t know where to start…’

Well, that’s where the ‘Who Am I?’ exercise comes in.

Its purpose is simple: to understand how your strengths, gifts and values meld to form who you are.

Because here’s the thing: every experience until this point has shaped your perception of the world…

And that’s why midlife is the perfect time to find out what color you want your wings to be—or in other words, who you really are.

So, grab a pen and paper, pour a glass of wine or a cup of tea, and work through the following questions:

 Step 1: Identify your key descriptors:

  • What are the 5-10 most important values in your life?
  • How would you describe the attributes you most like about yourself?
  • What do other people admire most about you—and what is the impact you have on them? 

Hint: if you can’t objectively see your gifts and strengths, it can help to reach out to up to 5 people in various parts of your life, and ask what they see as your unique qualities, attributes, or characteristics. Ask, why do you mean so much to them? And how do you impact their life?

 (This also helps realize your impact, and gives you direction towards ‘who you are.’)

  • What core beliefs about life serve you best?
  • What makes you unique, or stand out from others?
  • What makes you feel most passionate, satisfied, and most fulfilled?
  • If you had to name one feeling that you would like to have most often, what would that be?

Step 2: Put an X by the 5-10 most important words from the list you made, and convert those 5-10 descriptors to nouns. 

(For example, if ‘being healthy’ is one of your key descriptors, convert to ‘health.’ If ‘honest’ is one, convert to ‘honesty.’)

Step 3: Take these nouns and make them into ‘I Am’ statements. Feel free to combine more than one concept or idea in each statement. You should have at least 5 statements, beginning with ‘I am”. (For the examples above, your statements would be ‘I am Health’ and ‘I am Honesty.’)

Step 4: Rank each order of these statements by numbering them from 1 (as the most powerful) to the least powerful/descriptive of the list.

Record your final ‘I Am’ statements, in rank order below, so you can refer to them later on.

Step 5: Finally, seriously consider all of your final ‘I Am’ statements in relation to how you currently live. And ask yourself:

What adjustments could you make?

How well do you currently bring who you are into everything you do?

Look at the different roles you play in your life. You may be a spouse, a parent, a child, a worker, a sibling, a friend, etc. Which roles do you believe are true to yourself, or where your true self shines? Which roles does your true self hide?

In other words: what color do you want your wings to be?

Or who are you… really?

XO

Holly

P.S. If you enjoyed this exercise, and want to go one step further, grab my 10 Question Toolkit. 

It will give you the skillset to not only manage the midlife mayhem—but master it.

GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Avoid Returning Back To Baseline

    Avoid Returning Back To Baseline

    by | Jun 1, 2020 | Blog

    How Do You Want To Show Up From This Point On In?

    Going back about 11 weeks ago our whole lives were turned upside down. It was on March 22nd when stay-at-home orders went into affect for most of us. No matter who you are, the reality is we all experienced some form of trauma from this massive upheaval in our lives. Even those who were lucky enough not to experience a direct hit like contracting Corona Virus or knowing someone who suffered terribly from it or possibly even lost their lives, still have experienced severe challenges, dividing our lives from what was and now is.

    This is the definition of trauma, as it divides life before and after an event, challenging an individuals past ways of understanding the world and their place in it, compromising a feeling of safety. Clearly, I think it’s fair to say there’s not a person in this whole country possibly even world who’s belief system hasn’t been shook to the core in some shape or form.The Corona Virus Pandemic has impacted every aspect of our lives. 

    Whether you are someone whose ready and eager to move on or feel more like you’ve been hit by a truck and on shaky ground, I do know no matter whatever shape you are in now, everyone can take this crazy time in our lives and still become a better version of themselves. During this “pause”  we’ve had the chance to see our strengths as well as our weaknesses. For most, we’ll likely never have an occasion like this in our lives where we can literally wipe the slate clean, take the time to heal old and recent wounds, and reconsider what is truly important to us. 

    So I want to take this month’s newsletter to encourage everyone NOT to return to their baselines and take this once in a lifetime opportunity to go beyond the status quo and consider new and improved possibilities in their lives. To help everyone get started with this, I want to return back to two most influential, eye-opening exercises I share with clients helping them to gain awareness and understanding to make decisions for themselves that support how they best want to show up.

    The first is called the WHEEL OF LIFE. It is one of the most well utilized coaching tools out there providing insight as to where we are at currently in our lives as we cannot move forward accurately if we aren’t aware of what truly requires our attention in our development presently. And since so much has change in our lives most recently, there’s no time like the present to take the time to reassess. The second exercise, DEFINING OUR CORE VALUES, packs a powerful punch and admittedly can take some time to do but well worth the effort. Since life is forever shifting and changing and most of us have never really taken the time to explore what matters most to us, we often unknowingly absorb others agendas and standards, living our lives misaligned with what makes most sense for us to succeed and feel fulfilled.

    Both exercises can easily be downloaded on my website under the link VALUABLE DOWNLOADS. You’ll find easy to follow directions but by all means don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions or challenges as well as successes, I would love to hear from you!

    Wishing You The Best Of Success

    -Holly-

    A Secret Elixir

    A Secret Elixir

    by | Jun 1, 2019 | Blog

    Surprising Benefits Of Finding A Hobby

    Want a surefire way to improve the quality of your life, relationships, and mood? Get a hobby. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking as if it’s that simple, how could something so frivolous make that much of a difference? The last thing I need is another commitment. Hobbies are for people who lead quiet, relaxed lives, and have extra time. I get it, between the kids, work, staying on top of household responsibilities, the notion of a finding a hobby can sound like a waste of time. But actually, for those people who lead very full and busy lives, it’s all that more important to find a hobby. Think taking up a hobby is an ineffective, senseless, or self-indulgent way to use your time? Read on to discover the amazing benefits a hobby can have on your life.

    Why Get A Hobby?

    Relieves Stress & Lessens Negative Self-Talk- First and foremost hobbies relieve stress and clear our minds by keeping us engaged in enjoyable and positive tasks. Taking our attention away from the day-to-day challenges and issues we face.

    Enhance Social Connections- Hobbies are something that you can frequently enjoy with other people. Whether you join a club, play in a league, or just come across people with similar interests and mindsets. Moreover, when you  take some time to do something enjoyable it lifts our spirits so our current relationships reap the benefits of our improved mood. 

    Increase Confidence and Self Esteem- Your hobby is going to challenge you in someway, whether mentally or physically. As you overcome these challenges, your confidence will be boosted. 

    Enrich Who We Are– When people ask you what you do in your free time, hobbies prevent you from standing there and scratching your head in puzzlement. Hobbies give us something to talk about, adding layers to our identity. They give us space to view ourselves differently, exposing us to new ideas and different perspectives.

    Promotes Productivity- Hobbies prevent burnout allowing us to take time out for ourselves, bringing us renewed energy and excitement. This will carry over to the rest of our activities whether at work or home. And since most hobbies usually require rearranging of our schedules to fit it in the activity, it forces us to manage our time more wisely and productively.

    Don’t even know what pastime would make you happy? Best bet is to start by building on your own interests. Think about what you value most, examine your skills and personality, and pay attention to what excites you. Being outdoors, doing something physical or creative with others or alone. What skills would you like to learn, talents you want to develop, or experiences you crave? Brainstorm some ideas and try out a new activity from your list. Lastly, pay attention to how you feel during the experience and give it at least three to four attempts to get over the beginners’ hurdle. You may not find the right fit for you right away, but the upside is along the way you can have a lot of fun trying new things and exploring what’s out there. This summer take some time to check out a hobby or two, with the season’s warmer temperatures and longer daylight hours, along with for most, more liberties in our schedules makes for a perfect time to take some time  enjoying an activity that is not attached to work or other commitments. 

    Wishing You Always The Best Of Success

    -Holly-