Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

by | Oct 5, 2023 | Blog

4-Part Prescription For Cultivating Self-Love

‘Change of season, change of perspective…’ 

Was the thought in the back of my mind when I sat down to complete my Values Assessment for the nth time.

But I hadn’t bargained on exactly how much of a change it would be… 

Now, before I go any further, I should explain that a Values Assessment is a tool I use with all my clients, and something I encourage them to come back to, at least annually. 

And the Fall run up to the Holidays is the perfect time for this, because it forces us to turn our attention to ourselves—and lays valuable groundwork for January’s habit of setting goals and starting afresh.

(If you’ve never done one before, you can read more about that here.)

Now, I’ve been completing Values Assessments for as long as I’ve been a life coach (that’s well over a decade). And to put this into perspective, I’ve never uncovered the insight I discovered last week, namely that…

Self-Love is now my highest priority.  

And this got me thinking: why is this such a surprise for me, especially given I’m a Women’s Transformational Life-Coach? 

Well, the answer is right there…  

Why is Self-Love So Hard for Women To Achieve? 

Yup the truth is Self-Love is something almost impossible for us women to cultivate.

It feels self-indulgent… 

Selfish even…

And fact is, we’re just not socialized that way. 

Instead, we’re the life-bearers, the life-givers. We’re self-less. We put everyone else before ourselves, solve everyone else’s problems before our own…

And spend way too much time comparing our imaginary flaws to everyone else’s imaginary perfections. 

So that makes it even more impossible to suddenly be like ‘hey, I’m gonna love myself!’ 

And all that got me thinking… 

What if there was a prescription for Self-Love? A simple formula we could tap into whenever we need a little TLC? 

Well, that’s why after years of writing, speaking and working with women on this topic I’ve taken everything I’ve learned (including a bunch of lessons I’ve already shared with you) and rolled it up into one simple prescription that you can call on whenever the chips are down, and you need a little care and attention. 

And here is it… 

The 4-Part Prescription for Lasting Self-Love

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Put simply this is all about letting go of the perfectionist mindset we’ve been spoon-fed from day 1, and move ourselves towards an optimialist perspective. 

So what does that look like?

Well, The ‘Perfectionist’ is SO on point she fails to embrace reality. She’ll work 16 hours a day, AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect mother/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

Maybe this resonates? 

The ‘Optimialist’ on the other hand, is healthy and striving—but uses these high standards to fuel her growth. 

In other words, she rubs her vision up against reality. She aspires to be her best—within reason. And she understands that there are only so many hours in the day, and constructs a healthy optimal life within these boundaries. 

Now, you can read more about the difference here.

BUT. 

Essentially, part one of my 4-Part Process is about recognizing the difference between being a perfectionist or an optimialist. So you can move out of perfectionism and into Part 2 of my prescription… 

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism…

Which inevitably chips away at our wellbeing.

Now, self-compassion on the other hand, builds us back up. And it can be a great source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. 

And this is a 3-fold process: 

First, we must learn the practice of self-kindness…

Second, discover how to embrace our common humanity… 

And third, take a balanced approach to negative emotions.

Want to know more? You can read more about Kristen’s approach here. 

But, Part 2 really all boils down to this: being able to recognize when you’re falling into the trap of self-criticism and flipping that script to self-compassion. 

Part 3: Remember: That Manicure is Just a Myth

Now, I’ve talked about this before. (In fact, the Myth of a Manicure is probably one of my most popular emails.)

Why?

Well, it makes most women sit up and think. Reevaluate what true self-care really means for them. 

Because here’s what I like to tell them: 

Is it really fair to say getting a manicure, having a facial, or hanging out with friends is self-care?

Or can that be more accurately described as self-maintenance?

Now, don’t get me wrong I love getting massages, sitting down to read a great book or watching the latest episode of Ted Lasso.

(All of which certainly feel good in the moment but honestly short lived.)

But, if you want more bang for your buck like feeling:

  • More comfortable in your own skin
  • Confidence in who are and where you’re going
  • Energized and excited about your future

True self-care and self-love is going to have to include doing difficult things that our body, heart, and spirit need but may be hard… 

Like boundary setting, forgoing that second glass of wine, having that hard conversation, getting to bed earlier, or going for a mammogram.

Ugh. I know it’s not sexy. But unfortunately it’s essential.

(And if you’re not sure what that might be? Take the time to journal each day, and let what you really need bubble up to the surface.)

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

This last part is all about recognizing your own good qualities and strengths and building on those rather than focusing so much on weaknesses. 

And that starts with crushing the comparisonitis. 

Now, one way to press pause on this is to surround yourself with stories of women who truly inspire you.

And yes, I do this all the time! Some are my clients, and some are women out there right now, in the spotlight, who dare to radically reframe aging. 

Self-Love. If A Doctor Could Prescribe It… 

Here’s the thought I want to leave with you…

Self-love shouldn’t be something you feel ashamed of cultivating. 

It shouldn’t be something you’re surprised at feeling…

And you shouldn’t feel ashamed that it’s even on your radar.

(In fact, imagine if this was prescribed by a doctor?! I’d even go so far as to say I bet those prescriptions for Xanax or Zoloft would drop.)

Because it’s time to stop feeling less than, and embrace the love of you, now in this moment. 

I think you deserve that much… 

XO

Holly

P.S. QUICK RECAP… 

If you’d like to read up on any of any of the points I’ve made here in this prescription, here are the links you need: 

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Part 3: Remember! That Manicure is Just a Myth

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

 


                                                                                                                                 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

    How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

    by | Apr 1, 2022 | Blog

    Three Simple Steps To Being Your Own BFF

     

    Let me be honest with you. For 2, 3 months last year — I was in the zone… 

    My kids were in college doing their thing. I could finally give everything to my career, to my clients. Workwise, it was all coming together. 

    You know that feeling, right? ‘This is great. This is really f*cking great.’

    And as you know from last month’s post I’m a recovering perfectionist…

    Well, let’s FF a little… through Thanksgiving and Spring break. 

    My semi-non-independent kids landed on the mat. My mother’s alzheimer’s diagnosis began seeping through the cracks — 

    Think wandering lost in a neighborhood she no longer recognizes. Panicked calls that scare me out of my mind…

    And suddenly all the boundaries that were working so well for me, the mojo I’d rediscovered — BOOM. 

    Gone.

    EVERYTHING sucked out of me.

    And this got me thinking — what do YOU do, or say to yourself when the $h*t hits the fan? When you realize, between empty nesting and aging parents, you’re at the height of your own midlife angst? 

    Don’t you ever feel like it’s time to give yourself a break? Like, you’re just being a little too hard on yourself? 

    I know I do.

    (And as a coach, I really should know better…)

    It’s a universal truth. Because, let’s face it ladies, we’re great at dishing out compassion for everyone else, but for ourselves? 

    We’re our own worst critics. 

    So, this month we’re turning our attention to the science of self-compassion. How to deal with setbacks, failures, bumps and bruises — because when you put yourself out there, that’s what’s gonna happen.  

    But first, let’s expand on last month’s post for a moment. [Missed it? You can read it here.] If you’re trying your damnedest to flip that script from perfectionist to optimalist — and finding it’s not quite that easy — I hear you. 

    Rerouting toxic thinking (when it’s been your default perfectionist mechanism for so long) is super difficult… 

    And we make it DOUBLY harder by believing self-compassion is a self-indulgent weakness that leads to complacency or laziness…

    ABSOLUTELY. NOT. TRUE.

    The real truth? The less we sugarcoat, and honor our feelings, the more we’ll strategically and accurately move forward in life. After all, if you keep minimizing your emotions, how can you possibly resolve them?  

    And THIS is where the science of self-compassion is a game-changer. 

    So let’s dive right in —

    Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism. Especially women. 

    And this in turn breaks down our wellbeing. 

    Conversely, self-compassion builds us back up. It’s a source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. 

    And it all boils down to 3 main practices: 

    1. Self Kindness. Yes, it’s as simple as it sounds. All this means is when you feel yourself slipping into toxic ruminating thinking, talk to yourself as you would a dear friend (or child). Be kind to yourself! 

    (I mean come on, would we ever tell our child, husband or friend: just give it up. You should not even bother going to college. Y’know what? You suck at football. Forget it.)

    Yet, that inner voice does it to ourselves all the time…

    2. Embrace what Kristen calls ‘Common Humanity.’ You’re not alone. We ALL experience challenging times. If you’re anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, feeling less — you’re human. The only people who don’t experience painful emotions are psychopaths (or dead people) so remind yourself — it’s okay not to feel okay. (In fact it’s very normal.)

    And if you’re feeling this way — let me validate the hell out of you. Remind you that you have the fortitude to push through this. Heck, you deserve to push through this… 

    3. Take a balanced approach to negative emotions, so your feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. In short, notice the struggle that’s arising. Acknowledge and strive to understand it. And better support yourself to move forward. 

    Don’t allow yourself to get stuck, brooding in chaos… 

    Yes, it sucks that my mother has alzheimers. Unimaginably. And I’ll honor that at my core — but I’ve got to remember there’s no point in ruminating on it. That is never going to serve me.  

    So, next time you hear the voice of self-criticism, get smart AND strategic. 

    How? Start by rubbing your goals and aspirations up against reality… 

    For me this means having the support to STOP being superwoman. Sharing the struggle with my girlfriends or husband. Being a cheerleader for myself — remembering to talk to myself as I would a friend or a client…

    ‘Holly, this is super hard. But you can do this.’ 

    Because, here’s the deal. Anyone who’s achieved greatness will tell you the road to success and wellbeing is anything but easy…

    And whether you’re actively moving from perfectionist to optimialist (or simply staying committed to the best version of yourself) flipping that script from self-criticism to self-compassion will help you navigate the toughest times. 

    Ladies, it’s time to stop getting in your way and become your own biggest cheerleader.  Martyrdom is getting old. 

    XO 

    Holly 

    P.S. What self-critical narratives have you been telling yourself — and how are you planning to flip that script? I’d love to support you through this journey… hit reply and let me know.

     

     

    The Myth Of Having It All

    The Myth Of Having It All

    by | Mar 3, 2022 | Blog

    Hey ladies, remember these…?

    Those delightfully damaging Enjoli advertisements from the ‘80s?

    *Gulp.* (Imagine that making the Superbowl break nowadays?!)

    That’s right. As Gen X-ers we REALLY were spoon fed that we could ‘have it all.’ The children. The career. The husband…

    And of course we’d ‘never NEVER let him forget he’s a man.’

    Yikes.

    The thing is, whether it was our well intentioned mothers cheering us on — from a generation where women’s rights were little more than a novelty — or the subliminal craziness of ads like these popping up every 30 minutes…

    Where has this internal dialogue left us?

    >> Burnt out

    >> Exhausted

    >> Leaving our own wellbeing limping in last place

    And deep down you know that’s not serving anybody…

    So, this month I’m examining the psychology behind letting our purses (and our minds) constantly overflow with this baggage…

    I’m looking at why we ALL fall into one of 2 camps when it comes to aspiring for more in our lives…

    AND why we’re all still suffering from a bad case of comparisonitis. (And yes, what the heck we can do about it!)

    So ladies, let’s dive in!

    You may have heard of Tal Ben-Shahar? He’s a leading light in the world of positive psychology and one of my absolute heroes…

    Tal’s the author of 3 books including Happier, and taught the largest class in Harvard’s history: ‘Positive Psychology 101.’ He also founded the HSA (Happiness Studies Academy) where I studied for over a year — gaining coaching certification in the science behind happiness.

    Tal believes there are 2 distinct forms of perfectionism:

    1. The ‘Perfectionist.’ This individual who’s gotta be SO on point they’re suffering from anxiety, depression — even addictions.
    2. The ‘Optimalist.’ A healthy, striving individual who uses high standards to fuel their growth.

    And here’s the big difference: the Perfectionist fails to embrace reality. They’ll work 16 hours a day… AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect parent/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

    BUT, they’re failing to embrace the constraints of reality. They simply can’t do all those things. And when they inevitably fall short of their own expectations, they beat themselves up and… it all comes crashing down. Perfectionism for them, has become a great source of misery.

    On the flip side, the Optimalist has equally high standards. But they rub their vision up against reality. They aspire to be their best — within reason. They understand there are only so many hours in the day, and healthily construct an OPTIMAL life within these boundaries.

    So, be honest now. Which one are you?

    If you’ve ever felt exhausted or burnt out, I think you’ll agree unhealthy perfectionist tendencies come with some serious consequences…

    But, the truth is, decades on from the Enjoli woman, we’re now a helluva lot wiser…

    And we are DONE playing by the rules that no longer serve us. 

    So, if we’ve been dealt a bad dose of the unhealthy perfectionist syndrome (as I call it) how can we still hold to a strong commitment AND evolve into the best version of ourselves? How can we embrace the constraints of reality just a little more today?

    In other words, how can we move our mindset from Perfectionist to Optimalist?

    Well, we can start by remembering ladies, life is not about perfection —

    Progress, yes.

    We can have it all. Just not all at once. 

    Be gentle on yourself. Remember, frying that bacon up in a pan after a hard day at work for your man is probably in your DNA! It’s gonna take a little rewiring to let that past conditioning go.

    But, now you’re aware of the difference. Which means you can actively bring your best self forward…

    So, next time you feel the pang of perfectionism, be realistic. Look at life through a different lens — and flip that script from Perfectionist to Optimalist.

    XO

    Holly

    P.S. If you’re a recovering perfectionist (and let’s face it, who isn’t?) how does it manifest in your life? When do you feel the wheels coming off? Hit me back and let’s talk about it.

    P.P.S. And if you want to read more about this topic Ben-Shahar’s book ‘Pursuit of Perfect’ is an ahem, perfect place to start.

    Real Vibes Only-Please!

    Real Vibes Only-Please!

    by | Mar 4, 2021 | Blog

    Toxic Positivity Is A Real Thing 

    See the good in everything.

    Stay strong.

    It could be worse.

    This too shall pass

    Just be positive.

    All well intended ideas but how do we effectively problem solve or respond appropriately to circumstances in our life that are causing discomfort and difficult emotions if we don’t deal with them as we truly are experiencing them. Clearly, as a women’s empowerment coach, I’m a big fan of the power of positivity. But when it comes at the cost of denying us the opportunity to be real and honest with ourselves, positivity winds up becoming toxic in nature, detracting and harmful to our growth because we’re not operating in a world as we really are experiencing it, rather as we wish it to be. Preventing us from having those hard conversations with ourselves and others. 

    I understand people have the best of intentions and want to be a source of light and levity and not feel painful emotions but right now given the collective trauma we’re all experiencing with the coronavirus pandemic, toxic positivity seems to be more problematic than ever. It’s alarming and I’m seeing its impact on my clients big time; judging themselves for why they aren’t “feeling it”, beating themselves up for not aggressively pursuing their goals, wondering why they are waking up anxious more days then not and easily overwhelmed. Sure, we are all acclimating and adapting to “Covid Life” but that requires a tremendous amount of energy. We are working on low reserves. Now more than ever false, forced positivity is not the way to go, it only adds to our feelings of distress by putting an additional pressure on ourselves to appear ok, denying us the support we actually need to effectively cope with what we are experiencing. 

    I’m not suggesting we throw in the towel nor resign or brood over our negative emotions but if I hear one more person chalk up their distress with “it could be worse”, I might just snap, because hell yeah it can always be worse but that’s not the point. Acknowledging and verbalizing our difficult emotions releases the hold they have on us while give us  greater clarity on how to best support ourselves. 

    Whether it be your partner telling you to look on the bright side, a friend repeatedly sharing how much fun they are having even during the pandemic, a meme instructing you to “Choose Happiness”, or you’re feeling you should just be grateful for what you have and only have a positive mindset, remember toxic positivity is a real thing. If you’re not feeling it, avoid the urge to play along, as uncomfortable as it is to express negative emotions they offer us valuable information, allowing us to make decisions that will help us feel better in the long run. So we can then chose to put into place those strategies and “life” tools to build our capacity and claim our potential.

    Encouraging Everyone To Keep It Real

    -Holly-

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Happiness Simplified

    Happiness Simplified

    by | Aug 1, 2020 | Blog

    Discover The Four Pillars To Wellbeing

    Plan and simple, happiness is not a goal to be achieved rather it comes as a result of engaging in multiple, varied things that are meaningful and bring pleasure as a side-effect. Yet many of us tend to focus on snapshots of isolated parts of our lives and buy into the belief that if we can just find that perfect job, relationship, diet/fitness routine, this thing we call life will be a cinch to live. However, study after studies show that despite people initially experiencing a spike in their levels of wellness after obtaining things like financial prosperity, professional /educational achievements, loving relationships, or improved health-with time inevitably fall back to their original happiness baselines. And in some cases, people can even fall below their baselines feeling more defeated. Understandably, it can be disheartening to discover after working really hard and checking all the boxes to attain all those things believed would guarantee happiness is only fleeting. 

    Truth is, safe guarding our level of fulfillment in one aspect of our lives will not secure our happiness nor prevent us from experiencing human highs and lows. To bring about sustainable wellbeing we need to build our overall resilience by attending to our whole self; body, mind, heart, and spirit. Sure, focusing on any one of these variables can make a difference but by attending to all four we will thrive. Moreover, when life throws us a curve ball-which inevitably it will because no one is excuse from life’s trial and tribulations-you will have an abundance of resources to tap into, enabling you to bounce back with greater ease. 

    Below you’ll find a brief outline on each of the four pillars to wellbeing, coming this fall I’ll be doing a deeper dive for those interested in learning more about how to thrive rather then just get by. The program is called, Live To Thrive…The Science of Happiness Simplified, it will be a 9 week online, live, interactive course (calls will be recorded, should you be unable to attend) where participants will receive a ton of research based knowledge, tools, and strategies along with personal support to guide them in accessing not only experiencing higher levels of happiness but sustaining it for the long run. 

    The 4 Pillars To Wellbeing

    • BODY- Let’s face it, when we are feeling physically strong, we have the best chance of experiencing the energy we need to complete the tasks and goals that are important to us. I start with attending to our body first because typically it is more easily assessed. We can see and feel how vibrant or drained someone is. We can hear it in people’s voices, postures, and faces. We can even measure it with medical devices. But remember we are all built differently, so there isn’t a single formula that works for everyone. What foods are most nourishing for you? What kind of movement works best for your body? How much sleep is optimal for your performance? Are you staying hydrated? Would your body benefit from supplements or vitamins? What, if any chronic or temporary illnesses/injuries do you need to consider in order to best support yourself.
    • MIND- This includes not only expanding our intellect but also training our thoughts to work for us. Attending to our mind is twofold, engaging in learning that is stimulating yet not daunting, enabling a cycle of constant growth. While keeping in mind (no pun intended) that our thoughts will have a way of getting the best of us, interfering with our ability to be present in the moment, wreaking havoc on our confidence, clarity, attention, and focus. Creating daily habits to expand this awareness (i.e  quality learning, meditation, journaling, single-tasking, self-introspection, etc) will clear the way for our minds to function optimally. 
    • SPIRIT- “He who has a why in life can bare almost any how”- Friedrich Nietzsche.Our spirit is what guides us to become fully ourselves and to live a meaningful life. In other words, it’s about connecting what we do and how we do it with who we truly are. What would you like to be remembered for? What drives you? What lights you up? What makes you unique? What things do you most want out of life? How can you share your strengths with the world? We must first accept that we all have this deeper inner side of ourselves and then find time to listen to it. Moreover, honor and then align in accordance with these inner urgings.  
    • Heart- Cultivate an open heart by practicing gratitude for the good things in your life, love and compassion for yourself, connection and kindness toward others. Remembering all feelings are legitimate and finely tuning in and accepting our full range of emotions can be used as tools to help us understand what’s going on for us in any given moment, enabling us to create greater wellbeing. 

    Bottomline, we will have a much greater capacity to flourish and grow, to endure life’s challenges and stressors when we attend to our whole selves…Body, Mind, Heart, and Spirit.  

    Wishing You Always The Best Of Success

     -Holly-