retrain Archives - Holly Boxenhorn

Midlife Game Changing Habits

by Holly Boxenhorn | May 1, 2022 | Blog

Top Five Strategies You Need To Know

‘Holly, do you have any big strategies to navigate midlife?

‘Y’know, the surefire, game-changing, non-negotiables that mean you’re always so on point?’

Whoa. Now, there’s a question…

And it’s probably the one I’m asked most — on the pickleball court, out to dinner with friends, by clients and colleagues…

First — let’s get one thing straight, I am most definitely NOT ‘so on point…’ (!)

Hey, I may be a Midlife Transition Coach, but I worry about my turkey neck as much as the next woman! I’m struggling to sleep through the night. Trying to figure out how to empty nest… gracefully.

I too, question those goals I held for SO long, that sometimes feel flat and uninspiring…

Sure! We’re a boat load wiser. But if you find yourself wandering into the bedroom, forgetting why you’re there — and instead your thoughts turn to:

>> Who the heck am I?

>> What’s next?

>> And how the hell do I begin to figure all this out?

Then you need…

The Top 5 Strategies To Thrive In Midlife Right Now

Yeah, that’s right: these are the non-negotiable, instrumental habits you need to adhere to IMMEDIATELY…

No joke.

Because ladies, I believe — no, I know — these habits are SO powerful, you’ll finally find your groove… and forge your path towards a fuller, happier, more meaningful life.

(And hey, it’s what you’ve been asking for!)

Because honestly? Let’s just not age gracefully. Let’s age powerfully…

And dive right in!

Keep Your Attitude in Check
Even I find myself slipping into silly comments like: ’… well, I am an old lady.’ But, the more we indulge in that language, the more we give it mileage — the harder we’re making it for ourselves to switch gear and age optimally.

Energy attracts like energy.

The truth is, we’re living longer fuller lives than ever before. There are inspiring women out there absolutely killing it in midlife, knocking it outta the park! So, instead of indulging in negative language, flip the script to stories of strong, vibrant, engaging older women…

And surround yourself with as much knowledge and education to live your life more powerfully.

Check out this podcast: Radically Reframing Aging, and hear Maria Shriver discuss how we can all live our healthiest, most joyful lives as we grow older.

Embrace The Now
(Or, in short — if not now, when?)

If there’s one thing the pandemic taught us, it’s not to hang around. I’ve worked with so many women who have had the rug pulled out from under them — diagnosed suddenly with breast cancer, diabetes, or their husbands get sick…

You might remember last year my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It’s brutal. And I don’t know how long it’s gonna last…

But I can’t live in a state of inertia thinking ‘once she has full time help’ or ‘once she’s in assisted living, well, then I can focus on xyz.’ I can’t wait, and I can’t put things off. I have to honor the fact it’s all consuming, accept it, yet still move forward.

If we don’t start rockin’ and rolling now, then when will we?

Treat Life As An Experiment
It’s easy to get stuck in a rut — what we eat, how we exercise, even the makeup we use! (Am I right?) But our bodies have changed, our metabolism’s not so fired up, and chances are what worked in our 20s or 30s just ain’t gonna cut it.

It’s time to shake things up…

You have GOT to have an experimental mindset.

For example, I just don’t have the stamina that I used to. Honestly, the sh*t I could get done in a day… I’d whizz my daughter to dance class, get to the shops, see clients. Now? I just want to chill a little bit.

So, I’ve switched up my day. I do deep work in the morning. And at 3, 4pm, I honor my need to rest. I’ll take the dogs for a walk, meditate, connect with a friend for coffee. And maybe then when I’ve done those things to nourish my soul — I’ll see an evening client.

Try some new things on for size –experiment– not every action you take will be a home run but wisdom gained revealing what feels right, purposeful and fulfilling to you.

Rewire Your Inner Dialogue
Let’s cut to the chase here. You’ve already spent half your life beating yourself up, telling yourself you aren’t enough. Do you really wanna be 80 — and still judging yourself?

Or, looking back on your life wishing you’d been more present with your children, partner… but you were just too damn wrapped up and consumed by your own thoughts?

Y’know, I’m just so done with it…

Ladies, it’s time to let go of those old stories holding you back. Next time you hear that inner critic tell you you’re ‘less than’ say to yourself: ‘I’ve got this. I’m committed to my growth.’ Or ‘I’m discovering day-by-day what my goals and priorities are.’

… And shut down that negative talk in its tracks.

Cultivate Connection
Most research will say, the number 1 predictor of happiness is the quality of our social relationships. Take this from an introvert! (Or rather a social introvert — I love people, but can handle them better in smaller groups…) 😉

But, that being said…

Here, we’re talking positive relationships. The ones that inspire, support, and challenge us. A diverse network — whether that’s seeing your best friend for lunch, or clicking with a virtual Mastermind group. Connecting with your sister, or a work colleague living overseas…

These things keep us sharp, our wellbeing intact. They light us up.

Because the truth is, the struggle is real. Midlife is tough. There’s no denying it. But I know with my whole being, that if you can adapt your habits and mindset to embrace these changes — you will reap the difference in your life…

And glide into the next phase, with power, purpose and meaning. On your terms.

XO

Holly

P.S. Tell me, what are your top strategies for dealing with the chaos of midlife? Which older women truly inspire you? Comment below (or drop me an email) I’d absolutely love to know!

Reminder!

by Holly Boxenhorn | May 1, 2021 | Blog

The Key To Creating Positive Lasting Change

It’s no mystery that the things we repeatedly do are the things our brain and mind will continue to support and encourage. The more something is rehearsed or practiced, the stronger our neural connections will then become making positive behaviors more habitual in nature. Positive lasting change will occur within in our brains and then within our lives with consistent and intentional action steps that promote an optimal state of being. With all that being said, knowing this and actually doing this are two very different things. With our very busy and distracting lives; cultivating habits, thoughts, and behaviors that support our greater wellbeing, won’t come instinctually.

Let’s face it, in this fast paced world, if it’s not right in front of us, it’s likely not going to happen…thus why many of us rely on “to do” lists to remind us of where our attention needs to be. The same holds true with building in productive habits that aid our pursuit of greater happiness and success. If we want to instill more proactive behaviors we need to remind ourselves to do whatever it is we’re trying to align with until we become accustomed to it. Daily reminders are essential when it comes to creating the positive change we desire. They’re relatively simple to understand, fairly easy to implement, and the benefits from using them are almost immediate. Here are a few great ways to get started….

5 Simple Ways To Use Reminders

1.Technological Reminders– Here’s where the distraction of technology works for us rather than against. Computers and our mobile phones make it possible to set up automatic reminders for just about anything. Desktop software like Outlook will pop up reminders on our computers, and most online services go an extra step and send reminders via email or SMS text message. Even just using the alarm on our mobile phones can be a great way to help us stop, hit pause for 10 minutes and attend to some rejuvenating self-care practices to infuse our energy, helping us to go the distance the rest of the day. Maybe some deep breathing exercises, a short meditation, taking some time to call someone near and dear to us, or possibly stepping outside to connect with nature, stretch our legs and walk around bit…all great habits that support greater wellbeing.

2.Tangible Reminders– The best reminders are related in some way to the behavior you want to produce and can take the form of a quote on the wall, a picture, a photograph, a work of art, powerful words or mantras placed on a post it. Or even a special bracelet or piece of jewelry that catches your attention and reminds you to be mindful of the positive behavior you want to produce.

3.Daily “To Be” Reminders– Are a record of those things that you would like to be reminded of on a daily basis, the values that you want to internalize and live by each day of your life. By using “Ideal Self Statements” (i.e I am calm and present in the here and now, I embrace a growth mindset” ) that capture the attitudes and behaviors that are first, most important to you personally and, second, that you want to be reminded of. Your “To Be” List so to say rather then to do list. It’s suggested to come up with at least 3 and no more than 5 along with starting with 3 deep breaths before reading each out loud to yourself daily.

4. Specific Reminders-focus on a particular aspect of life that you want to work on and improve—a challenge you’re facing or an area where you want to grow. Start by writing down a single sentence that captures whatever it is that you want to work on. The sentence, ideally, should be stated positively, in present tense, and inspire a sense of purpose (i.e. I am a confident and authentic public speaker). Then elaborate in three or four sentences what that single sentence means to you. Spend a few minutes each day to go over your Specific Reminder, read it closely and deliberately at least once through, and then if you feel the need to do so, modify and refine the text.

5. Mini Reminders-is a sequence of words (i.e.calm, confident, authentic) that embody how you want to feel most times. The words may draw from your Daily Reminders, Specific Reminders, or from anywhere else. Place them anywhere and everywhere that catches your eye. I keep a post it note of Mini Reminders on my car dashboard, desk, and night table. Every time I see them I take a deep breath and read them aloud.

Reminders have the power to positively transform our lives for the better. Studies have proven environmental and physical cues we pick up daily affect us more than we realize, triggering habits and thoughts that then begin to feel natural to us. Why leave our most important priorities to chance…check out this month’s 5 simple ways to use reminders to promote more of what you want in and for your life.

Wishing You Always The Best Of Success

-Holly-

The Second Most Powerful Predictor Of Happiness

by Holly Boxenhorn | Mar 1, 2020 | Blog

What’s Your Interpretation Style?

Lasts month’s blog post I shared the number one predictor of happiness…the quality of our social relationships. Positive relationships, ones that inspire, support, and challenge us to be the best version of ourselves proves to be the most significant factor that keeps us happier and yes even healthier. So what’s the second most powerful predictor of happiness… anyone care to guess? Well, research proves it’s a matter of one’s “interpretation style” (hopeful vs.hopeless). In other words, those people who experience greater happiness are those who understand that their feelings/emotions are not permanent nor pervasive rather specific to an experience and only temporary. I’ve written on this topic in some shape or form in past blog posts, emotions are not directives, they are merely just data. While feeling sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, etc is inarguably uncomfortable and unpleasant to say the least, they too are just as much apart of the human experience as joy, peace, love, pride, satisfaction, enthusiasm, etc. Happy people give themselves permission to be human and cultivate a way of life (aka an interpretation style) that helps restore wellbeing when challenged and delight in moments of happiness.

So with all that being said how does one cultivate an “interpretation style” that is more opportunistic and optimistic rather then pessimistic and disadvantageous. Truth to be told, the list is endless but for the sake of this blog post I want to highlight 3 key practices I share with clients and personally use to embrace a more straightforward approach to fostering an inspiring “interpretation style”.

How to Guide on Cultivating a Hopeful Interpretation Style:

Step 1: Practice Acceptance – Don’t fall into the trap of the Great Deception, that is, a happy life is a life devoid of unpleasant feelings. Contrary to popular belief, happiness is not an absence of problems/challenges, that just doesn’t exist for anyone. No one is excused from life’s ups and downs. First and foremost, we must give ourselves the permission to be human and avoid judging, fighting, and sugar-coating any uncomfortable emotions we may be feeling. Understand, permitting ourselves to be human is not about resignation but rather active acceptance where we can step back, sit in the discomfort of unpleasant feelings in order to educate ourselves how to best move forward in the most appropriate, proactive, and supportive way.

Step 2: Evaluate – What can be contributing to the way we are feeling? Is it something related to a physical component of our lives like lack of sleep, nutrition, exercise, a chronic or temporary health condition? Possibly relationally related, maybe you’re not feeling connected to those near and dear to you? Or are you feeling dissatisfied with your development, personally and/or professionally? What may you be magnifying, getting stuck on and not seeing the bigger picture of, or possibly misinterpreting.

Step 3: Restore Rational Thinking – Study after study has proven that our thoughts determine how we feel which then in turn impacts how we behave. Having “go to” practices and strategies to help us cope and recover in challenging times promotes an “interpretation style” that is supportive. Now, this is where it becomes highly personal but based on the insights we get from step #2 along with appropriate expression of feelings, establishing a best way to recover from challenging experiences so we can restore rational thinking will organically happen. This may include anything from getting feedback from others, reframing the situation to see it in a more positive light, mediating/journaling/exercising to help decompress and gain perspective, identifying three things in your day you are grateful for to shift mindset away from the negativity bias, embracing failure so we can get back on the horse (so to say) and realign with what we want in and for our lives, or even simply getting outside and connecting with nature can be just enough for many to boost their moods promoting a more solution based mindset.

This list can go on and on and for those of you interested in learning more about promoting a most advantageous mindset, do not hesitate to reach out! Success and happiness are not reserved for the lucky but rather to those who are committed to its process.

Wishing You Always The Best Of Success!

-Holly-

You Are Not Alone

by Holly Boxenhorn | Jul 1, 2019 | Blog

The Negativity Bias

Like it or not we all have a negativity bias. You’re not the only one focusing on what can go wrong verses what can go right when presented with a new opportunity. Or fixating on that one bit of critical feedback amongst all the positive received. We’ve all been there before, dwelling on a mishap, argument, an error we made despite having otherwise a seemingly good day.

Thanks to our ancestors, we are all hard wired to give greater weight to our negative experiences instead of positive. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s not all our fault, we inherited the genes that predispose us to give special attention to the negative aspects in our lives. Being highly attuned to worst case scenarios is how, in pre-historic times, humans survived natural threats. But let’s face it, the chances of us running into a saber-tooth tiger on the way home from work nowadays is highly unlikely, the time has come to break free from this limiting human default robbing us of greater happiness and success.

Studies prove we can retrain our brains

Here’s how we begin defeating the negativity bias….

1.Awareness- Just by simply being mindful of the degree to which our brain is inclined to focus on the negative aspects of things is the first step. Becoming aware of our negative self-talk and thoughts allows us to separate ourselves from them, to challenge and even eliminate them.

2. Relish Positive Experiences- Researchers have learned that negative experiences are perceived more easily and quickly into our long term memory. Whereas, the positive require a dozen or more seconds to be held in our awareness before it transferred from short term to long-term memory. Taking the time to relish in those good things that happened throughout our day reinforces positive patterns in our brain. Our brain then learns from these experiences, building new neural pathways, researchers call neuroplasticity, helping keep our brains attuned to positivity.

3. Crowd Out Negative Thoughts- Do whatever it takes, have an arsenal of go to practices to drown out the negativity. Here’s just a few I use daily…positive mantras affirmations, and quotes, gratitude journal, mediation, be more selective when I listen to the news, workout (kicks up those endorphins), practice the skill of reframing challenges and negative self-talk, seek a glass is half full mentality, surround myself with positive people, get outside as much as possible, build in simple pleasures throughout my the day like nuzzling with my dog, eating a favorite food, getting a manicure, watching a funny, feel good show that makes me laugh or warms my heart. Of course, it’s going to vary for everyone but the objective here is lessen the pull towards the negativity bias in order to gradually rewire our brains for happiness.

As they say in the neuropsychology field “neurons that fire together wire together”, each time we consciously decide to take in the good will make a difference and over time these little differences will add up retraining our brains to embrace positivity and overcome the negativity bias.

Wishing You Always The Best Of Success

-Holly-

Midlife Game Changing Habits

Top Five Strategies You Need To Know

Reminder!

The Key To Creating Positive Lasting Change

The Second Most Powerful Predictor Of Happiness

What’s Your Interpretation Style?

You Are Not Alone

The Negativity Bias

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