Struggling with change?

Struggling with change?

by | Aug 2, 2023 | Blog

From Menopause To Bereavement, The 4-Step Process To Manage Change In Midlife 

‘The only constant in life is change.’

So said Heraclitus. (Smart man, who summed up in one sentence the dichotomy of being a woman in midlife.)

I joke of course… But the truth is, midlife is a HUGE time of change for women. Not only, with menopause, when our bodies are going through the biggest physical change since puberty, but we’re likely to be faced with a barrage of change in our everyday lives—be it children flying the nest, aging parents, changing careers, retiring or downsizing our homes. 

But while some people absolutely love change and thrive on everything it means for their lives, some can barely cope and survive it…

And others still will do everything possible to avoid it. 

Most of us recognize that change is inevitable, but what happens when we’re so resistant to it, we fail to see it as a positive?

Because living in the past, or being unwilling to progress can have a serious impact on our professional and personal lives.

Well, during my iPEC training to become certified as a professional life coach, I learned an incredible technique that forms the foundation of all my coaching with clients—and now I’m sharing it with you too. And it’s known as The Cycle of Change. 

What Does The Cycle of Change Mean For You?

This technique can help you normalize change, ride its waves and help you see change as an essential part of life.

Because here’s the thing…

When you hit your 40’s, 50’s and 60’s, in any facet of your life, be it relationships or health—you’re probably tackling the cycle of change.

Plus—just like dealing with any hand life throws at you—this strategy relates the changes we experience to a game of cards.

So, here’s how it works: 

Phase 1: Shuffle

Change by its very nature is often unexpected. Or, our reaction to change can take us by surprise. (The unexpected death or illness of a loved one for example. Even children leaving for college—no matter how prepared you might be, that feeling of an empty home can cut you to the quick.)

Well, the ‘Shuffle’ is a period of detachment from what was not working or what has been completed. It’s a phase to ‘time-out,’ emotionally heal and reflect, or search for new directions. 

Very often being in the Shuffle is associated with a fear of the unknown—but networking, exploring and taking action can help you to see a way through.  

So, here I would encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself: what aspects of your life are in the Shuffle? Which call for a new beginning? 

Phase 2: Deal

The Deal uses all the exploration and reflection you completed in the Shuffle, and helps you to take optimistic action—and move you onto the next step. 

If you’re in this phase you may feel excitement and anticipation. You’ll look for clarity and support. Your energy is high, despite any fear of failure you may feel. 

Perhaps, for example, your career is moving in a new direction? You’re pitching to podcasts, and building your audience. You have your head above water and you’re in full-flow mode. 

Phase 3: Play The Game

Now, you’re implementing your plan. You get on that podcast, start that new hobby, or buy that new house. 

In short? You’re all in. 

But, while this stage is associated with success, it can also be the setting for disappointments, setbacks, and new challenges. 

You may think: “What do I do next?” or “How can I find the time to do all of this?” And depending on the outcome, you might fear failure, or have a deep sense of peace and purpose…

But… that’s life! You’re taking action, and learning from mistakes. You’re learning to embrace change, and all that goes with it.

Phase 4: Toss In 

In this world, all things come to an end. Sometimes things end with a ‘failure’ and other times with a ‘success.’ Either way, people are rarely ready for the cycle to end, whether it’s the end of a job, a relationship, or any aspect of a goal or project.

If you’re in this part of the cycle, you’re usually unhappy and unsure of the future. You might turn inward, keep to yourself, and think, why me? 

‘I can’t just deal with this right now.’

Now, if you find yourself in this phase, it’s important to try to move yourself forward, get ready for the next hand, and shuffle those cards to start over.

Questions To Help You Complete the Cycle of Change 

If you find it difficult to pinpoint where in your life you might be experiencing the most change, or identifying where on the Cycle you fall, these questions have been designed to help you:

  • What are the most important insights for you from the Cycle of Change?
  • How might you integrate this into a problem, challenge, or conflict you (or someone in your life) is experiencing in your work or personal life right now? 
  • Read back through the phases, and identify where you fall. Name it. 

(Important to remember: you may be on different phases of the Cycle of Change in different aspects of your life. For example, your relationships may be thriving, but you’re suffering with physical changes due to menopause, or a recent health diagnosis.)

  • Now, ask yourself: what do you need to do in order to move forward? 

(Note: for the last phase ‘Toss In,’ an entire project or relationship doesn’t have to be over, only an aspect of it.)

Finally, consider the individuals or loved ones you wish to lead, inspire, or motivate in your life. How can the Cycle of Change assist you with any challenges or conflicts you might have with these people—and how can you shift your collective energy to help them?

Yes, it may be true that ‘the only constant in life is change—but with the help of these 4 phases, change does not need to be something to fear… 

Instead, it can be something to be embraced.

Rooting for you,

XO

Holly

P.S. If you enjoyed this, you’ll love my 10 Question Toolkit. Whatever change you’re going through, it can help you ignite a midlife reboot, and learn how to master the mayhem.

GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Time To Clean House??

    Time To Clean House??

    by | Jun 3, 2022 | Blog

    How To Deal With Challenging Relationships 

    “I have a ‘friend.” 

    She’s combative. Cutting. Once we had commonality but now… She’s the kind of friend that walking away from the party you feel kinda… sober.

    Or driving home—you don’t even realize it—but find yourself thinking… ‘Why don’t I feel so great?’

    And then it clicks. ‘Ohhh. She was being an asshole.’ 

    Hmmm.   

    Maybe this resonates with you?

    Because truth be told this is a HUGE topic of conversation in my coaching world. And it doesn’t matter whether you’re single or married—Ladies, at our time of life, we’re thinking about cleaning house…

    We ALL want to be surrounded by real, authentic human beings who aren’t pretentious, don’t expect us to be Superwoman—but do boost us up…

    Yet, we’ve tolerated certain relationships for far too long.

    So, what can you do about it? 

    Well, there are 5 methods for managing draining relationships. 

    (But the truth is, most people retreat to #1…)

    1. Remain a victim to it
    2. Change it
    3. Change perspective of it
    4. Accept it 
    5. Leave it

    Let’s unpack these a little…

    1. Remain a Victim To The Relationship

    In other words, continue to allow this relationship to drain you. This most likely includes a feeling of loss of control, powerlessness, uncontrolled anger, grief and depression. Worst case scenario? It’ll keep draining us till nothing is left.

    Ask yourself…

    • What is blocking my willingness to change this relationship?
    • If I’m not willing to change the relationship at this point, what’s my target timeline for re-evaluation?                                                                                               

    2. Change The Relationship

    Here we recognize that you can take proactive action to change the relationship (or some aspect of it) so that you can remain in it and benefit from it. 

    For example, you may find a common point of agreement that enables the relationship to continue—at least at a neutral level—releasing and reconciling differences, developing coping mechanisms, or taking action from higher levels of energy in order to shift the energy of others and yourself.

     Ways you can do this:

    • Resolve/repair conflict 
    • Create opportunities to grow and experience life together
    • Connect with the bigger picture of the relationship

    Ask yourself, why is this relationship important? What’s your common ground? And how can you both benefit from being in the relationship?

    3. Change Perspective of It

    Rather than changing the relationship with actions and new behaviors, a relationship can also be changed through modifying and shifting how we look at it. The bottomline here? Different ‘lenses’ bring different experiences.

    Ask yourself, how can you look at this draining and/or challenging relationship with a fresh pair of eyes? 

    And consider this…

    • What qualities do you appreciate in the other person—and how can you stay connected to this?
    • How can you see the other person from a new vantage point?
    • How can you experience the relationship from a different position?

    *This strategy can also be very effective with past relationships that are still emotionally charged within you, despite the relationship being over or currently non-existent. 

    (Think a painful divorce or even a deceased individual. In either case you could be so wracked by pain and guilt that you’re having a hard time moving forward.) 

    4.Accept The Relationship

    Here, you suspend judgment, stress and burden associated with the relationship. You are accepting it just as it is… and ‘as it is’ is okay. The relationship requires nothing but acceptance of peace for this moment in time.

    3 Strategies to Consider:

    • The use of centering techniques
    • Daily mantras 
    • Other self-help techniques to enhance your ability to remain stress free when engaged in this challenging relationship (i.e. physical reminders, knowing your limits, or minimizing duration of time spent alone with the person in question)

    The key is to find whatever it takes to help you remain in the relationship—and not feel drained by it. 

    5. Leave The Relationship

    If you don’t like the relationship and you cannot/will not remain in it…

    Or you’ve tried to change the way you look at it (and can’t) then your remaining option is to leave. Or terminate it. Respect the other person, and yourself as human beings and know that sometimes we cannot co-exist. 

    There is no judgment necessary. This is not good or bad—it simply is.

    Ask yourself…

    • How ready are you to leave?
    • What is your plan to transition out of the relationship?

    * If you are less than 100% ready to leave, develop plans to shift your readiness, or reconsider your strategy.

    And finally, here’s a simple truth that might help you to visualize…

    There are 3 types of friends. The ones you keep in the kitchen, the ones on the front porch, and the ones you keep out on the street. 

    So, what’s the difference?

    Well, your kitchen is the heart of the house. They’re your nearest and dearest…

    Those on the front porch—we’ll keep them at arm’s length. But if nurtured and cultivated, maybe they too could be welcomed with open arms…

    And those on the street? We’ll keep it lighthearted. ‘Hey how are you?’ (No need for anything more…)

    But why am I telling you this? 

    Because if you’re reading this, I’d wager at this point in your life… you’re seeing things differently.

    Maybe what once seemed to work for you—isn’t. Perhaps even back then you didn’t realize this wasn’t an ideal relationship, but you just kinda sucked it up…

    And now you’re tired of sucking it up.

    And finally, how did I resolve my difficult friendship?

    I’ve accepted it. I keep her on the street. It’s not gonna get any better than this—that’s not who she is. 

    And I use the presence of others as buffers… 

    XO

    Holly

    P.S. Consider taking some time this month to examine your relationships more closely… 

    Ask yourself, how do key relationships in your life affect your spirits? Are they raising you up or dragging you down? What can you do to foster ‘healthier’ relationships?

    Contact me today for a complimentary session, and together we can strategize on how to maximize ALL your relationships…

    Midlife Game Changing Habits

    Midlife Game Changing Habits

    by | May 1, 2022 | Blog

    Top Five Strategies You Need To Know 

    ‘Holly, do you have any big strategies to navigate midlife? 

    ‘Y’know, the surefire, game-changing, non-negotiables that mean you’re always so on point?’

    Whoa. Now, there’s a question…

    And it’s probably the one I’m asked most — on the pickleball court, out to dinner with friends, by clients and colleagues…

    First — let’s get one thing straight, I am most definitely NOT ‘so on point…’ (!)

    Hey, I may be a Midlife Transition Coach, but I worry about my turkey neck as much as the next woman! I’m struggling to sleep through the night. Trying to figure out how to empty nest… gracefully.

    I too, question those goals I held for SO long, that sometimes feel flat and uninspiring… 

    Sure! We’re a boat load wiser. But if you find yourself wandering into the bedroom, forgetting why you’re there — and instead your thoughts turn to:

    >> Who the heck am I?

    >> What’s next?

    >> And how the hell do I begin to figure all this out?

    Then you need…

    The Top 5 Strategies To Thrive In Midlife Right Now 

    Yeah, that’s right: these are the non-negotiable, instrumental habits you need to adhere to IMMEDIATELY…

    No joke.

    Because ladies, I believe — no, I know — these habits are SO powerful, you’ll finally find your groove…  and forge your path towards a fuller, happier, more meaningful life. 

    (And hey, it’s what you’ve been asking for!)

    Because honestly? Let’s just not age gracefully. Let’s age powerfully…

    And dive right in!

    1. Keep Your Attitude in Check
      Even I find myself slipping into silly comments like: ’… well, I am an old lady.’ But, the more we indulge in that language, the more we give it mileage — the harder we’re making it for ourselves to switch gear and age optimally. 

    Energy attracts like energy.

    The truth is, we’re living longer fuller lives than ever before. There are inspiring women out there absolutely killing it in midlife, knocking it outta the park! So, instead of  indulging in negative language, flip the script to stories of strong, vibrant, engaging older women…

    And surround yourself with as much knowledge and education to live your life more powerfully.

    Check out this podcast: Radically Reframing Aging, and hear Maria Shriver discuss how we can all live our healthiest, most joyful lives as we grow older.

    1. Embrace The Now
      (Or, in short — if not now, when?)

    If there’s one thing the pandemic taught us, it’s not to hang around. I’ve worked with so many women who have had the rug pulled out from under them — diagnosed suddenly with breast cancer, diabetes, or their husbands get sick…

    You might remember last year my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It’s brutal. And I don’t know how long it’s gonna last…

    But I can’t live in a state of inertia thinking ‘once she has full time help’ or ‘once she’s in assisted living, well, then I can focus on xyz.’ I can’t wait, and I can’t put things off. I have to honor the fact it’s all consuming, accept it, yet still move forward.

    If we don’t start rockin’ and rolling now, then when will we?

    1. Treat Life As An Experiment
      It’s easy to get stuck in a rut — what we eat, how we exercise, even the makeup we use! (Am I right?) But our bodies have changed, our metabolism’s not so fired up, and chances are what worked in our 20s or 30s just ain’t gonna cut it. 

    It’s time to shake things up…

    You have GOT to have an experimental mindset.

    For example, I just don’t have the stamina that I used to. Honestly, the sh*t I could get done in a day… I’d whizz my daughter to dance class, get to the shops, see clients. Now? I just want to chill a little bit.

    So, I’ve switched up my day. I do deep work in the morning. And at 3, 4pm, I honor my need to rest. I’ll take the dogs for a walk, meditate, connect with a friend for coffee. And maybe then when I’ve done those things to nourish my soul — I’ll see an evening client.

    Try some new things on for size –experiment– not every action you take will be a home run but wisdom gained revealing what feels right, purposeful and fulfilling to you.

    1. Rewire Your Inner Dialogue
      Let’s cut to the chase here. You’ve already spent half your life beating yourself up, telling yourself you aren’t enough. Do you really wanna be 80 — and still judging yourself? 

    Or, looking back on your life wishing you’d been more present with your children, partner… but you were just too damn wrapped up and consumed by your own thoughts?

    Y’know, I’m just so done with it…

    Ladies, it’s time to let go of those old stories holding you back. Next time you hear that inner critic tell you you’re ‘less than’ say to yourself: ‘I’ve got this. I’m committed to my growth.’ Or ‘I’m discovering day-by-day what my goals and priorities are.’

    … And shut down that negative talk in its tracks.

    1. Cultivate Connection
      Most research will say, the number 1 predictor of happiness is the quality of our social relationships. Take this from an introvert! (Or rather a social introvert — I love people, but can handle them better in smaller groups…) 😉

    But, that being said…

    Here, we’re talking positive relationships. The ones that inspire, support, and challenge us. A diverse network — whether that’s seeing your best friend for lunch, or clicking with a virtual Mastermind group. Connecting with your sister, or a work colleague living overseas…

    These things keep us sharp, our wellbeing intact. They light us up.

    Because the truth is, the struggle is real. Midlife is tough. There’s no denying it. But I know with my whole being, that if you can adapt your habits and mindset to embrace these changes — you will reap the difference in your life…

    And glide into the next phase, with power, purpose and meaning. On your terms. 

    XO

    Holly

    P.S. Tell me, what are your top strategies for dealing with the chaos of midlife? Which older women truly inspire you? Comment below (or drop me an email) I’d absolutely love to know! 

    Out For Recess!

    Out For Recess!

    by | Apr 1, 2021 | Blog

    Time To Take Play Seriously

    Want to actualize your potential? Well, go out and play! More and more research is showing that the power of play is just as valuable for adults as it is for kids, opening us up to optimizing our potential in every area of our life. We give kids recess time to run around, blow off stem, and just be themselves, why don’t we treat ourselves the same way? There’s the obvious benefits of adding more fun in our lives, releasing stress and enhancing our relationships as often when we play we participate in games or fun activities with friends and family bringing us closer together. But the power of play goes well beyond that, stimulating our brain functioning, expanding our energy, promoting better sleep, boosting our confidence and creativity, all setting the stage for us to set more ambitious goals for ourselves. You see, play has a major ripple effect in our lives, having less to do with how we choose to play and more about it being a state of mind that encourages presence in the moment, a suspension of self-consciousness, and opening us up to new experiences.

    Take it from a recovering serious minded adult, making more time for playfulness in my life has been a game changer. Gone are the days of feeling guilty for using my time only to check one more thing off my to do list. Truth is when I include more play in my life, I’m more inclined to get things done. I feel lighter and like myself more, feeling inspired to live my life more fully. With all that being said, as simple as the concept of play is, it’s actually really hard for most adults to practice.  But once you get in the habit of it, it’s just like riding a bike…

    5 Pathways To Create More Play In Your Life

    1. Simple Delights: These are the little things we can do throughout our day that add a little boost of levity to it. Maybe having a private dance party listening to your favorite song, playing with your pet(s), watching a heart warming video, sharing a laugh with a friend, spouse, family member, or just getting outside to feel the sun on your face. What ever floats your boat, I highly suggest indulging in a minimum of two simple delights daily. 
    2. Purposeful Play: Here we actually schedule play on the calendar. Whether you join a weekly tennis league, attend a monthly bookclub, sign up for a cooking class, it’s a commitment you make to ensure you are getting out to play. Remember it’s not so much about the activity as it is your state of mind. Play can be anything that provides a sense of enjoyment, it’s self-motivating and makes you want to do it again. 
    3. Chore Play: This is where we try to bring some fun to those everyday tasks that need to get done. Dancing while we do the dishes, blasting some feel good music while we fold the laundry, creating some friendly competition around the house where family members can earn a “prize” for helping out, or building in our own special reward when at last that closet is cleaned out.
    4. Play Space: Let’s face it, they’ll be tons of reasons and excuses to back burner our fun so creating an environment that supports more play in our life will be key. Whether that be a wide open space where we can dance, roll out our yoga mat, hang a hammock in the sun, set up a crafting corner, or simply find a visible place where we can be keep our play gear easily accessible making it all that more easy to go out and play.
    5. Change It Up: Little or big, it’s about doing something radically different to embody a sense of playfulness in your life. On the smallest level it might be wearing that bold colored lipstick, eating lunch with your left hand if your right handed, or painting your nails different colors. On a bigger level, maybe you cut your hair short, register for an improv class, or go sky diving. Again it’s not about what you do as long as it’s something you normally wouldn’t do.

    Best place to start would be to craft your own playlist. What makes you come alive, fill you up, make your heart sing? From reading a book to running a marathon, write it all down. Spring has sprung, summer is on its way, create a list and build more play time into your life. As it turns out, playing is way more than just fun and games, making it an important part of optimizing our growth.

    Wishing You The Best Of Success

    -Holly-

     

     

    Prescription For Self-Love

    Prescription For Self-Love

    by | Feb 1, 2020 | Blog

    Selfulness

    The evidence is clear, research supports our social relationships are the most powerful predictor of happiness. Whether you consider yourself an extrovert or an introvert, there’s tons of evidence supporting that the common thread amongst “happy” people is that they all have broad social networks and positive relationships with those people in their networks. And to be clear here, we’re not talking about quantity but rather the quality of our social relationships in all areas of our life; work, community, personal, intimate and moreover with ourselves. As without love of self there is no basis to start from, self-love is the pre-condition to loving others. Understandably though for some, the act of practicing self-love can feel initially uncomfortable, and overly self-indulgent but self-love is not to be confused with self-centeredness. Rather self-love is more about thinking about the “me” so that you can build a strong “we”.

    I was recently introduced to the word “selfulness”. As you can see it’s a play on words, it’s definition in the urban dictionary is used to describe a person that creates a balance between caring for themselves along with others. With contemporary western culture often plagued by the schism between love of self (egoism or selfishness) and love of others (altruistic or selflessness), the word selfulness I think is a great way to capture a way of being where we extend how we relate to ourselves towards others as well. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it, how can we have loving, positive relationships with others if we don’t practice a healthy relationship with ourselves? A great analogy for this is when we hear the infamous instructions of flight attendants reminding us to first put on our oxygen mask before helping others in case of an emergency landing. Why is this an important rule for ensuring everyone’s survival? Because if you run out of oxygen, you can’t help anyone else with their oxygen mask. This is a perfect metaphor to consider especially for women as we are notoriously known to put our self-care and needs on the back burner.

    Learning to love oneself is a key ingredient to greater happiness. Self-love is at the very core of well-being, joy and empowerment. If we don’t care for ourselves we limit our success in all aspects of our lives; experiencing burnout, fatigue, reduced mental effectiveness, health problems, anxiety, stress, and heightened frustration. It’s time to let go of the guilt and the excuses, put your oxygen mask on first and start practicing a little more self-love in your life.

     SELF-LOVE PRACTICES

     #1 Recognize Your Own Good Qualities– Many of us have the tendency to focus on what it is that we aren’t enough of. Defaulting to negative self-talk is one of the least loving things you can do for yourself. So today, right now, take a few minutes to make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Think of physical attributes, mental or emotional strengths, successes you’ve experienced, the way you support your friends and family, or anything else. Make your list as long as possible, and keep adding to it. Go to people you trust and ask them what they’d list as your positive characteristics. You may be surprised to find out that people see a lot more of your strengths than you realize.

    #2 Treat Yourself With The Same Level Of Kindness & Respect You Do For Others You Love- You know how you treat someone you really care about, the way you love  and support that person and treat him or her with kindness and respect? Well, do that for yourself and just as you’d challenge a close friend who’s making bad decisions with his or her life, challenge yourself as well. Remind yourself just as you would a good friend of your worth as an individual and that you deserve great things in your life. Resist the tendency for settling for less, encourage yourself as you would someone you love to challenge yourself to achieve the best life possible.

    #3 Give Attention To Your Needs And Desires– This may sound a bit silly, but some people really don’t know what they want and need. They can go through their entire adult lives never stopping to self-assess and check in with how they are truly doing. One of the best ways to love yourself is to carve out some time weekly to answer honestly how you are feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually. Some great questions to consider: 

    • Do you feel significant/loved/respected?
    • Are you allowing companionship to lift and enlighten your life?
    • Do you feel in control of how you react to situations in your life?
    • Are you treating your body well (i.e. sleep, diet, exercise, necessary doc apps, stress management)?
    • Do you feel a sense of inner-peace and calmness?
    • Do you have a sense of purpose and appreciation for your place in this world?

    Now take it one step further and ask yourself, how can you, at this very moment, take better care of yourself, so that you have more to give instead of less?  Remember self-love may start with the “me” but it ends with a “we”. In the spirit of Valentines Day, a holiday many of us designate as time to express love to those near and dear to us, I’m going to ask you do the same for yourself!

     Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

    -Holly-