reframing Archives - Holly Boxenhorn

Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

by Holly Boxenhorn | Oct 5, 2023 | Blog

4-Part Prescription For Cultivating Self-Love

‘Change of season, change of perspective…’

Was the thought in the back of my mind when I sat down to complete my Values Assessment for the nth time.

But I hadn’t bargained on exactly how much of a change it would be…

Now, before I go any further, I should explain that a Values Assessment is a tool I use with all my clients, and something I encourage them to come back to, at least annually.

And the Fall run up to the Holidays is the perfect time for this, because it forces us to turn our attention to ourselves—and lays valuable groundwork for January’s habit of setting goals and starting afresh.

(If you’ve never done one before, you can read more about that here.)

Now, I’ve been completing Values Assessments for as long as I’ve been a life coach (that’s well over a decade). And to put this into perspective, I’ve never uncovered the insight I discovered last week, namely that…

Self-Love is now my highest priority.

And this got me thinking: why is this such a surprise for me, especially given I’m a Women’s Transformational Life-Coach?

Well, the answer is right there…

Why is Self-Love So Hard for Women To Achieve?

Yup the truth is Self-Love is something almost impossible for us women to cultivate.

It feels self-indulgent…

Selfish even…

And fact is, we’re just not socialized that way.

Instead, we’re the life-bearers, the life-givers. We’re self-less. We put everyone else before ourselves, solve everyone else’s problems before our own…

And spend way too much time comparing our imaginary flaws to everyone else’s imaginary perfections.

So that makes it even more impossible to suddenly be like ‘hey, I’m gonna love myself!’

And all that got me thinking…

What if there was a prescription for Self-Love? A simple formula we could tap into whenever we need a little TLC?

Well, that’s why after years of writing, speaking and working with women on this topic I’ve taken everything I’ve learned (including a bunch of lessons I’ve already shared with you) and rolled it up into one simple prescription that you can call on whenever the chips are down, and you need a little care and attention.

And here is it…

The 4-Part Prescription for Lasting Self-Love

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Put simply this is all about letting go of the perfectionist mindset we’ve been spoon-fed from day 1, and move ourselves towards an optimialist perspective.

So what does that look like?

Well, The ‘Perfectionist’ is SO on point she fails to embrace reality. She’ll work 16 hours a day, AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect mother/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

Maybe this resonates?

The ‘Optimialist’ on the other hand, is healthy and striving—but uses these high standards to fuel her growth.

In other words, she rubs her vision up against reality. She aspires to be her best—within reason. And she understands that there are only so many hours in the day, and constructs a healthy optimal life within these boundaries.

Now, you can read more about the difference here.

BUT.

Essentially, part one of my 4-Part Process is about recognizing the difference between being a perfectionist or an optimialist. So you can move out of perfectionism and into Part 2 of my prescription…

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism…

Which inevitably chips away at our wellbeing.

Now, self-compassion on the other hand, builds us back up. And it can be a great source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength.

And this is a 3-fold process:

First, we must learn the practice of self-kindness…

Second, discover how to embrace our common humanity…

And third, take a balanced approach to negative emotions.

Want to know more? You can read more about Kristen’s approach here.

But, Part 2 really all boils down to this: being able to recognize when you’re falling into the trap of self-criticism and flipping that script to self-compassion.

Part 3: Remember: That Manicure is Just a Myth

Now, I’ve talked about this before. (In fact, the Myth of a Manicure is probably one of my most popular emails.)

Why?

Well, it makes most women sit up and think. Reevaluate what true self-care really means for them.

Because here’s what I like to tell them:

Is it really fair to say getting a manicure, having a facial, or hanging out with friends is self-care?

Or can that be more accurately described as self-maintenance?

Now, don’t get me wrong I love getting massages, sitting down to read a great book or watching the latest episode of Ted Lasso.

(All of which certainly feel good in the moment but honestly short lived.)

But, if you want more bang for your buck like feeling:

More comfortable in your own skin
Confidence in who are and where you’re going
Energized and excited about your future

True self-care and self-love is going to have to include doing difficult things that our body, heart, and spirit need but may be hard…

Like boundary setting, forgoing that second glass of wine, having that hard conversation, getting to bed earlier, or going for a mammogram.

Ugh. I know it’s not sexy. But unfortunately it’s essential.

(And if you’re not sure what that might be? Take the time to journal each day, and let what you really need bubble up to the surface.)

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

This last part is all about recognizing your own good qualities and strengths and building on those rather than focusing so much on weaknesses.

And that starts with crushing the comparisonitis.

Now, one way to press pause on this is to surround yourself with stories of women who truly inspire you.

And yes, I do this all the time! Some are my clients, and some are women out there right now, in the spotlight, who dare to radically reframe aging.

Self-Love. If A Doctor Could Prescribe It…

Here’s the thought I want to leave with you…

Self-love shouldn’t be something you feel ashamed of cultivating.

It shouldn’t be something you’re surprised at feeling…

And you shouldn’t feel ashamed that it’s even on your radar.

(In fact, imagine if this was prescribed by a doctor?! I’d even go so far as to say I bet those prescriptions for Xanax or Zoloft would drop.)

Because it’s time to stop feeling less than, and embrace the love of you, now in this moment.

I think you deserve that much…

XO

Holly

P.S. QUICK RECAP…

If you’d like to read up on any of any of the points I’ve made here in this prescription, here are the links you need:

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Part 3: Remember! That Manicure is Just a Myth

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

The Second Most Powerful Predictor Of Happiness

by Holly Boxenhorn | Mar 1, 2020 | Blog

What’s Your Interpretation Style?

Lasts month’s blog post I shared the number one predictor of happiness…the quality of our social relationships. Positive relationships, ones that inspire, support, and challenge us to be the best version of ourselves proves to be the most significant factor that keeps us happier and yes even healthier. So what’s the second most powerful predictor of happiness… anyone care to guess? Well, research proves it’s a matter of one’s “interpretation style” (hopeful vs.hopeless). In other words, those people who experience greater happiness are those who understand that their feelings/emotions are not permanent nor pervasive rather specific to an experience and only temporary. I’ve written on this topic in some shape or form in past blog posts, emotions are not directives, they are merely just data. While feeling sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, etc is inarguably uncomfortable and unpleasant to say the least, they too are just as much apart of the human experience as joy, peace, love, pride, satisfaction, enthusiasm, etc. Happy people give themselves permission to be human and cultivate a way of life (aka an interpretation style) that helps restore wellbeing when challenged and delight in moments of happiness.

So with all that being said how does one cultivate an “interpretation style” that is more opportunistic and optimistic rather then pessimistic and disadvantageous. Truth to be told, the list is endless but for the sake of this blog post I want to highlight 3 key practices I share with clients and personally use to embrace a more straightforward approach to fostering an inspiring “interpretation style”.

How to Guide on Cultivating a Hopeful Interpretation Style:

Step 1: Practice Acceptance – Don’t fall into the trap of the Great Deception, that is, a happy life is a life devoid of unpleasant feelings. Contrary to popular belief, happiness is not an absence of problems/challenges, that just doesn’t exist for anyone. No one is excused from life’s ups and downs. First and foremost, we must give ourselves the permission to be human and avoid judging, fighting, and sugar-coating any uncomfortable emotions we may be feeling. Understand, permitting ourselves to be human is not about resignation but rather active acceptance where we can step back, sit in the discomfort of unpleasant feelings in order to educate ourselves how to best move forward in the most appropriate, proactive, and supportive way.

Step 2: Evaluate – What can be contributing to the way we are feeling? Is it something related to a physical component of our lives like lack of sleep, nutrition, exercise, a chronic or temporary health condition? Possibly relationally related, maybe you’re not feeling connected to those near and dear to you? Or are you feeling dissatisfied with your development, personally and/or professionally? What may you be magnifying, getting stuck on and not seeing the bigger picture of, or possibly misinterpreting.

Step 3: Restore Rational Thinking – Study after study has proven that our thoughts determine how we feel which then in turn impacts how we behave. Having “go to” practices and strategies to help us cope and recover in challenging times promotes an “interpretation style” that is supportive. Now, this is where it becomes highly personal but based on the insights we get from step #2 along with appropriate expression of feelings, establishing a best way to recover from challenging experiences so we can restore rational thinking will organically happen. This may include anything from getting feedback from others, reframing the situation to see it in a more positive light, mediating/journaling/exercising to help decompress and gain perspective, identifying three things in your day you are grateful for to shift mindset away from the negativity bias, embracing failure so we can get back on the horse (so to say) and realign with what we want in and for our lives, or even simply getting outside and connecting with nature can be just enough for many to boost their moods promoting a more solution based mindset.

This list can go on and on and for those of you interested in learning more about promoting a most advantageous mindset, do not hesitate to reach out! Success and happiness are not reserved for the lucky but rather to those who are committed to its process.

Wishing You Always The Best Of Success!

-Holly-

You Are Not Alone

by Holly Boxenhorn | Jul 1, 2019 | Blog

The Negativity Bias

Like it or not we all have a negativity bias. You’re not the only one focusing on what can go wrong verses what can go right when presented with a new opportunity. Or fixating on that one bit of critical feedback amongst all the positive received. We’ve all been there before, dwelling on a mishap, argument, an error we made despite having otherwise a seemingly good day.

Thanks to our ancestors, we are all hard wired to give greater weight to our negative experiences instead of positive. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s not all our fault, we inherited the genes that predispose us to give special attention to the negative aspects in our lives. Being highly attuned to worst case scenarios is how, in pre-historic times, humans survived natural threats. But let’s face it, the chances of us running into a saber-tooth tiger on the way home from work nowadays is highly unlikely, the time has come to break free from this limiting human default robbing us of greater happiness and success.

Studies prove we can retrain our brains

Here’s how we begin defeating the negativity bias….

1.Awareness- Just by simply being mindful of the degree to which our brain is inclined to focus on the negative aspects of things is the first step. Becoming aware of our negative self-talk and thoughts allows us to separate ourselves from them, to challenge and even eliminate them.

2. Relish Positive Experiences- Researchers have learned that negative experiences are perceived more easily and quickly into our long term memory. Whereas, the positive require a dozen or more seconds to be held in our awareness before it transferred from short term to long-term memory. Taking the time to relish in those good things that happened throughout our day reinforces positive patterns in our brain. Our brain then learns from these experiences, building new neural pathways, researchers call neuroplasticity, helping keep our brains attuned to positivity.

3. Crowd Out Negative Thoughts- Do whatever it takes, have an arsenal of go to practices to drown out the negativity. Here’s just a few I use daily…positive mantras affirmations, and quotes, gratitude journal, mediation, be more selective when I listen to the news, workout (kicks up those endorphins), practice the skill of reframing challenges and negative self-talk, seek a glass is half full mentality, surround myself with positive people, get outside as much as possible, build in simple pleasures throughout my the day like nuzzling with my dog, eating a favorite food, getting a manicure, watching a funny, feel good show that makes me laugh or warms my heart. Of course, it’s going to vary for everyone but the objective here is lessen the pull towards the negativity bias in order to gradually rewire our brains for happiness.

As they say in the neuropsychology field “neurons that fire together wire together”, each time we consciously decide to take in the good will make a difference and over time these little differences will add up retraining our brains to embrace positivity and overcome the negativity bias.

Wishing You Always The Best Of Success

-Holly-

Make Stress Your Friend

by Holly Boxenhorn | Oct 2, 2016 | Blog

The Upside Of Stress

October 2016 Insights

“When you change your mind about stress, you can change your body’s response to stress”

-Kelly McGonigal, PhD-

Everyone has stress in their lives, and most people would agree they want less stress. But what people really want is to have less of a “stress reaction” to the things that are occurring in their lives and zapping their energy. Stress itself is not the enemy; it’s our reaction to it. How great would it be if rather than seeing your most stressful days as the worst days of your life, they actually become your best days? (more…)

Catabolic or Anabolic Choice

by Holly Boxenhorn | Aug 2, 2016 | Blog

CHOOSE TO!

August 2016 Insights

Many of us walk around feeling like we have limited choices in many aspects of our lives. Take notice of how many times in a day you say the words have to, should, and need to. Whenever you feel like you must do something, you’re a prisoner, a victim to your thoughts or circumstances. In fact, when faced with a task or something to do, there are five basic ways you can view them and only one is by full conscious choice. (more…)