The Myth Of Having It All

The Myth Of Having It All

by | Mar 3, 2022 | Blog

Hey ladies, remember these…?

Those delightfully damaging Enjoli advertisements from the ‘80s?

*Gulp.* (Imagine that making the Superbowl break nowadays?!)

That’s right. As Gen X-ers we REALLY were spoon fed that we could ‘have it all.’ The children. The career. The husband…

And of course we’d ‘never NEVER let him forget he’s a man.’

Yikes.

The thing is, whether it was our well intentioned mothers cheering us on — from a generation where women’s rights were little more than a novelty — or the subliminal craziness of ads like these popping up every 30 minutes…

Where has this internal dialogue left us?

>> Burnt out

>> Exhausted

>> Leaving our own wellbeing limping in last place

And deep down you know that’s not serving anybody…

So, this month I’m examining the psychology behind letting our purses (and our minds) constantly overflow with this baggage…

I’m looking at why we ALL fall into one of 2 camps when it comes to aspiring for more in our lives…

AND why we’re all still suffering from a bad case of comparisonitis. (And yes, what the heck we can do about it!)

So ladies, let’s dive in!

You may have heard of Tal Ben-Shahar? He’s a leading light in the world of positive psychology and one of my absolute heroes…

Tal’s the author of 3 books including Happier, and taught the largest class in Harvard’s history: ‘Positive Psychology 101.’ He also founded the HSA (Happiness Studies Academy) where I studied for over a year — gaining coaching certification in the science behind happiness.

Tal believes there are 2 distinct forms of perfectionism:

  1. The ‘Perfectionist.’ This individual who’s gotta be SO on point they’re suffering from anxiety, depression — even addictions.
  2. The ‘Optimalist.’ A healthy, striving individual who uses high standards to fuel their growth.

And here’s the big difference: the Perfectionist fails to embrace reality. They’ll work 16 hours a day… AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect parent/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

BUT, they’re failing to embrace the constraints of reality. They simply can’t do all those things. And when they inevitably fall short of their own expectations, they beat themselves up and… it all comes crashing down. Perfectionism for them, has become a great source of misery.

On the flip side, the Optimalist has equally high standards. But they rub their vision up against reality. They aspire to be their best — within reason. They understand there are only so many hours in the day, and healthily construct an OPTIMAL life within these boundaries.

So, be honest now. Which one are you?

If you’ve ever felt exhausted or burnt out, I think you’ll agree unhealthy perfectionist tendencies come with some serious consequences…

But, the truth is, decades on from the Enjoli woman, we’re now a helluva lot wiser…

And we are DONE playing by the rules that no longer serve us. 

So, if we’ve been dealt a bad dose of the unhealthy perfectionist syndrome (as I call it) how can we still hold to a strong commitment AND evolve into the best version of ourselves? How can we embrace the constraints of reality just a little more today?

In other words, how can we move our mindset from Perfectionist to Optimalist?

Well, we can start by remembering ladies, life is not about perfection —

Progress, yes.

We can have it all. Just not all at once. 

Be gentle on yourself. Remember, frying that bacon up in a pan after a hard day at work for your man is probably in your DNA! It’s gonna take a little rewiring to let that past conditioning go.

But, now you’re aware of the difference. Which means you can actively bring your best self forward…

So, next time you feel the pang of perfectionism, be realistic. Look at life through a different lens — and flip that script from Perfectionist to Optimalist.

XO

Holly

P.S. If you’re a recovering perfectionist (and let’s face it, who isn’t?) how does it manifest in your life? When do you feel the wheels coming off? Hit me back and let’s talk about it.

P.P.S. And if you want to read more about this topic Ben-Shahar’s book ‘Pursuit of Perfect’ is an ahem, perfect place to start.

New year, new you…right??

New year, new you…right??

by | Jan 1, 2022 | Blog

The Secret To Making Resolutions That Actually Stick

It’s January — and we’re back to our routines. In line at the supermarket, you’re hit by all the articles on health and wellbeing. You’ll go back to the gym. Dust off that yoga mat (or Peloton). Seal the deal with a big client/see your best friend more/eat less carbs… You’ve got your resolutions. New year, new you, right? And you are on it. 

Sound familiar?

How many times have you started the year — with the best intentions — only to peter out in February or March? Slowly lose interest. Feel exhaustion return, and go back to the same old habits.

Truth is, you can have all the goals in the world. But if you don’t have the right foundation in place, it’s all for sh*t — or at least, you’re not going to be able to up-level your game. Dish out the work. Be available to your friends and family. Whatever the aspiration, if you don’t take care of yourself…

Your goals are going to flatline.

So, how can we make sure we’re not only on it now — but stay on it throughout the year?

This month’s post is all about the one big secret you need to conquer to stay on top of those goals. The one thing — above even nutrition or movement — that if mastered, is a game-changer for giving back clarity, a sense of purpose and making sure we’re firing at optimal levels…

(And it’s a problem I see more and more of you struggling with, desperate to find a solution…)

The answer? Sleep.

As human beings we have natural rhythms embedded in us. Back in the day, before the lightbulb was invented, we’d just sleep when it was dark. And now? We’re taught to go, go, GO! And as a result, our circadian rhythms are shot.

You probably felt it over the holidays. And ladies, it’s hard to admit, but we’re faced with a double whammy — we no longer have our youth to pull us through those late nights. We can’t just pull on a pair of leg warmers, plug in a Walkman and bounce right back (what can I say, I love the 80’s).

And no, it’s not just that your body’s changing — we groove to consistency. Maybe you wake up like clockwork each morning at 3am, needing the bathroom? You have a hot flash, and your mind starts whirling. We stare at the clock, getting back to sleep is so challenging!

4 years ago I struggled with exactly this. I’d survive on 5 hours a night. (And probably shouldn’t have been driving in the afternoons…) But when 8 or 9 hours is considered the norm, the fact is probably 90% of us are deprived sleepwalkers…

And so I know how important it is to share the habits I’ve used — to break destructive patterns, and help you live life to the fullest. So you can show up consistently and keep your goals alive month after month (and not just in January.)

7 Steps You Can Take TODAY to Help You Recalibrate: 

  • Caffeine. This is a biggie. Listen, I love a cup of coffee (maybe even 2 or 3!) But pushing the envelope isn’t a good idea. You can indulge — but stop after 3pm, and give caffeine a chance to leave your system.
  • …And alcohol. I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but though soothing in the moment, that glass of wine after a long day stops you from reaching the really deep, restorative sleep that truly rejuvenates. If you can go without, do.
  • Avoid blue light. (Oh yeah — just like the electric blue eyeshadow you wore in your teens, blue light after dark is not going to suit you anymore!) Unplug your phone, maybe leave it in another room if you can. My secret? Set an alarm and remind yourself to shut your phone down.
  • Stop that Nextflix binge 2-3 hours before hitting the sack. The stimulation makes winding down that much harder. So save the new reboot season of Sex and the City for early evening hours only…
  • Be honest, what time do you stop working? (That includes checking your phone, deliberating over a response.) When my children were younger I’d put them to bed, and get back on my game for 2-3 hours. This was a terrible idea! Giving yourself time to wind down should be your number one priority.
  • Take a power nap. It might not be the American way to take a break in the middle of the afternoon, but your body will thank you for it. Get out of the habit of needing to be on it, every minute of the day.
  • Keep your room temperature down low, no higher than 68°. And that means no exercising or big meals before bed that only stimulates and raises our body temperature (and nix the sweaters and socks under the covers).

But what if you’re one of the many women who come to me tired and exhausted — unable to switch off your anxieties, thoughts and worries? The techniques above will certainly help, but you may require another layer — to truly quiet the mind and signal to your body, that it’s time to flip off the switch…

Go-To Rituals to Quiet the Mind 

First take five minutes. I gently potter about the kitchen and put away the dishes. Whatever routine might be personal to you, to signal that the day is done.

Take a warm bath, dim the lights, light a candle. Heating your body up, to then cool it down, is a relaxant and sets you in the mood for sleep.

Make your bedroom a sanctuary. It should be dark, calm and cool. Your bedroom should be for 2 things only — sleep… and sex! No TVs, phones, nothing else. That’s it.

Establish a 3-5 minute ritual of breathing exercises. For me, it literally signifies flipping the switch… Because otherwise I know I’ll sit in bed and think about ideas for the day ahead, or that person I have to get back to. I’m running down the list, right? And that is not going to work.

Instead breathing allows us to tap into our parasympathetic nervous system — accessing calm, rational thinking. And box breathing (tracing the outline of a box as you breathe) is a very simple place to start:

  1. Breathe in for 4, hit one corner
  2. Hold for 4 until you reach the next
  3. Exhale for 4 seconds hitting the next corner
  4. Hold for 4 before repeating

And my final ritual for sleep? A nighttime gratitude practice. It’s a game changer — I talked about this back in November, but it bears repeating. Take a piece of paper and pen (no screens, remember!) and list everything you did throughout the day, from taking out the garbage to picking up dinner or conversations you’ve had. Now take that list, and flip it — look only through the lens of gratitude, and write each one down. Only seek the good. Because honestly? Gratitude is a superpower, it’ll squash any negativity you feel dead in its tracks.

XO

Holly

P.S. So, what about you? Hit reply…I’d love to hear how you prepare for sleep — or which practice(s) I share resonates with you?

P.P.S. Please know this is NOT about perfection,  just adding any one or two of these practices can make a big difference. You better believe there are some days I fail my caffeine curfew and nights a Netflix binge takes over. BUT those days are now far and few between. 

Out For Recess!

Out For Recess!

by | Apr 1, 2021 | Blog

Time To Take Play Seriously

Want to actualize your potential? Well, go out and play! More and more research is showing that the power of play is just as valuable for adults as it is for kids, opening us up to optimizing our potential in every area of our life. We give kids recess time to run around, blow off stem, and just be themselves, why don’t we treat ourselves the same way? There’s the obvious benefits of adding more fun in our lives, releasing stress and enhancing our relationships as often when we play we participate in games or fun activities with friends and family bringing us closer together. But the power of play goes well beyond that, stimulating our brain functioning, expanding our energy, promoting better sleep, boosting our confidence and creativity, all setting the stage for us to set more ambitious goals for ourselves. You see, play has a major ripple effect in our lives, having less to do with how we choose to play and more about it being a state of mind that encourages presence in the moment, a suspension of self-consciousness, and opening us up to new experiences.

Take it from a recovering serious minded adult, making more time for playfulness in my life has been a game changer. Gone are the days of feeling guilty for using my time only to check one more thing off my to do list. Truth is when I include more play in my life, I’m more inclined to get things done. I feel lighter and like myself more, feeling inspired to live my life more fully. With all that being said, as simple as the concept of play is, it’s actually really hard for most adults to practice.  But once you get in the habit of it, it’s just like riding a bike…

5 Pathways To Create More Play In Your Life

  1. Simple Delights: These are the little things we can do throughout our day that add a little boost of levity to it. Maybe having a private dance party listening to your favorite song, playing with your pet(s), watching a heart warming video, sharing a laugh with a friend, spouse, family member, or just getting outside to feel the sun on your face. What ever floats your boat, I highly suggest indulging in a minimum of two simple delights daily. 
  2. Purposeful Play: Here we actually schedule play on the calendar. Whether you join a weekly tennis league, attend a monthly bookclub, sign up for a cooking class, it’s a commitment you make to ensure you are getting out to play. Remember it’s not so much about the activity as it is your state of mind. Play can be anything that provides a sense of enjoyment, it’s self-motivating and makes you want to do it again. 
  3. Chore Play: This is where we try to bring some fun to those everyday tasks that need to get done. Dancing while we do the dishes, blasting some feel good music while we fold the laundry, creating some friendly competition around the house where family members can earn a “prize” for helping out, or building in our own special reward when at last that closet is cleaned out.
  4. Play Space: Let’s face it, they’ll be tons of reasons and excuses to back burner our fun so creating an environment that supports more play in our life will be key. Whether that be a wide open space where we can dance, roll out our yoga mat, hang a hammock in the sun, set up a crafting corner, or simply find a visible place where we can be keep our play gear easily accessible making it all that more easy to go out and play.
  5. Change It Up: Little or big, it’s about doing something radically different to embody a sense of playfulness in your life. On the smallest level it might be wearing that bold colored lipstick, eating lunch with your left hand if your right handed, or painting your nails different colors. On a bigger level, maybe you cut your hair short, register for an improv class, or go sky diving. Again it’s not about what you do as long as it’s something you normally wouldn’t do.

Best place to start would be to craft your own playlist. What makes you come alive, fill you up, make your heart sing? From reading a book to running a marathon, write it all down. Spring has sprung, summer is on its way, create a list and build more play time into your life. As it turns out, playing is way more than just fun and games, making it an important part of optimizing our growth.

Wishing You The Best Of Success

-Holly-