Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

by | Oct 5, 2023 | Blog

4-Part Prescription For Cultivating Self-Love

‘Change of season, change of perspective…’ 

Was the thought in the back of my mind when I sat down to complete my Values Assessment for the nth time.

But I hadn’t bargained on exactly how much of a change it would be… 

Now, before I go any further, I should explain that a Values Assessment is a tool I use with all my clients, and something I encourage them to come back to, at least annually. 

And the Fall run up to the Holidays is the perfect time for this, because it forces us to turn our attention to ourselves—and lays valuable groundwork for January’s habit of setting goals and starting afresh.

(If you’ve never done one before, you can read more about that here.)

Now, I’ve been completing Values Assessments for as long as I’ve been a life coach (that’s well over a decade). And to put this into perspective, I’ve never uncovered the insight I discovered last week, namely that…

Self-Love is now my highest priority.  

And this got me thinking: why is this such a surprise for me, especially given I’m a Women’s Transformational Life-Coach? 

Well, the answer is right there…  

Why is Self-Love So Hard for Women To Achieve? 

Yup the truth is Self-Love is something almost impossible for us women to cultivate.

It feels self-indulgent… 

Selfish even…

And fact is, we’re just not socialized that way. 

Instead, we’re the life-bearers, the life-givers. We’re self-less. We put everyone else before ourselves, solve everyone else’s problems before our own…

And spend way too much time comparing our imaginary flaws to everyone else’s imaginary perfections. 

So that makes it even more impossible to suddenly be like ‘hey, I’m gonna love myself!’ 

And all that got me thinking… 

What if there was a prescription for Self-Love? A simple formula we could tap into whenever we need a little TLC? 

Well, that’s why after years of writing, speaking and working with women on this topic I’ve taken everything I’ve learned (including a bunch of lessons I’ve already shared with you) and rolled it up into one simple prescription that you can call on whenever the chips are down, and you need a little care and attention. 

And here is it… 

The 4-Part Prescription for Lasting Self-Love

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Put simply this is all about letting go of the perfectionist mindset we’ve been spoon-fed from day 1, and move ourselves towards an optimialist perspective. 

So what does that look like?

Well, The ‘Perfectionist’ is SO on point she fails to embrace reality. She’ll work 16 hours a day, AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect mother/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

Maybe this resonates? 

The ‘Optimialist’ on the other hand, is healthy and striving—but uses these high standards to fuel her growth. 

In other words, she rubs her vision up against reality. She aspires to be her best—within reason. And she understands that there are only so many hours in the day, and constructs a healthy optimal life within these boundaries. 

Now, you can read more about the difference here.

BUT. 

Essentially, part one of my 4-Part Process is about recognizing the difference between being a perfectionist or an optimialist. So you can move out of perfectionism and into Part 2 of my prescription… 

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism…

Which inevitably chips away at our wellbeing.

Now, self-compassion on the other hand, builds us back up. And it can be a great source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. 

And this is a 3-fold process: 

First, we must learn the practice of self-kindness…

Second, discover how to embrace our common humanity… 

And third, take a balanced approach to negative emotions.

Want to know more? You can read more about Kristen’s approach here. 

But, Part 2 really all boils down to this: being able to recognize when you’re falling into the trap of self-criticism and flipping that script to self-compassion. 

Part 3: Remember: That Manicure is Just a Myth

Now, I’ve talked about this before. (In fact, the Myth of a Manicure is probably one of my most popular emails.)

Why?

Well, it makes most women sit up and think. Reevaluate what true self-care really means for them. 

Because here’s what I like to tell them: 

Is it really fair to say getting a manicure, having a facial, or hanging out with friends is self-care?

Or can that be more accurately described as self-maintenance?

Now, don’t get me wrong I love getting massages, sitting down to read a great book or watching the latest episode of Ted Lasso.

(All of which certainly feel good in the moment but honestly short lived.)

But, if you want more bang for your buck like feeling:

  • More comfortable in your own skin
  • Confidence in who are and where you’re going
  • Energized and excited about your future

True self-care and self-love is going to have to include doing difficult things that our body, heart, and spirit need but may be hard… 

Like boundary setting, forgoing that second glass of wine, having that hard conversation, getting to bed earlier, or going for a mammogram.

Ugh. I know it’s not sexy. But unfortunately it’s essential.

(And if you’re not sure what that might be? Take the time to journal each day, and let what you really need bubble up to the surface.)

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

This last part is all about recognizing your own good qualities and strengths and building on those rather than focusing so much on weaknesses. 

And that starts with crushing the comparisonitis. 

Now, one way to press pause on this is to surround yourself with stories of women who truly inspire you.

And yes, I do this all the time! Some are my clients, and some are women out there right now, in the spotlight, who dare to radically reframe aging. 

Self-Love. If A Doctor Could Prescribe It… 

Here’s the thought I want to leave with you…

Self-love shouldn’t be something you feel ashamed of cultivating. 

It shouldn’t be something you’re surprised at feeling…

And you shouldn’t feel ashamed that it’s even on your radar.

(In fact, imagine if this was prescribed by a doctor?! I’d even go so far as to say I bet those prescriptions for Xanax or Zoloft would drop.)

Because it’s time to stop feeling less than, and embrace the love of you, now in this moment. 

I think you deserve that much… 

XO

Holly

P.S. QUICK RECAP… 

If you’d like to read up on any of any of the points I’ve made here in this prescription, here are the links you need: 

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Part 3: Remember! That Manicure is Just a Myth

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

 


                                                                                                                                 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Why Craft A Midlife Manifesto?

    Why Craft A Midlife Manifesto?

    by | Sep 13, 2023 | Blog

    Your Midlife Manifesto: The Science-Baked Secret to An Empowered State of Mind

    Last week, I pulled my favorite pair of jeans out of the closet, and boy did they feel tight. 

    (In fact, it took me back to my teenage days, laying on the bed to squeeze into my 501’s, using a coat hanger to pull the zipper up over my hips.)

    Only this time, I don’t feel quite so hot. I’m under no illusions. And when that kind of thinking starts, I can feel myself teetering on the rabbit hole of negativity:

    ‘Oh boy. Here comes the midlife paunch.’

    ‘I’ll have to stop wearing that kinda thing.’ 

    ‘I’m just too old to get away with it.’ 

    Because sure, I happen to be a women’s midlife coach. But that doesn’t mean I’m immune to the occasional negative self-talk when something derails me. (And yes, that ‘something’ may be as simple as finding it damn near impossible to fasten the top button on my beloved 501s.)

    And I know I’m not the only one… 

    Because so often my clients arrive at our first session together armed with layer upon layer of negative self-talk. Most don’t realize they’re doing it, but the outcome is still the same:

    These brilliant, inspiring women are left with chronic feelings of unworthiness, which in turn limit their success, happiness and potential—and means they’re far more likely to settle for less in their lives…

     

    The Power of Language is No Joke, Especially Our Own Inner Dialogue with Ourselves

    Yes, even the most seemingly innocuous, or benign phrases such as ‘I don’t have enough time’ can keep you stuck in a holding pattern. 

    And as for my midlifer’s personal favorite, ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,’ well, I’m here to tell you that’s simply not true!

    Not only is it absolutely possible to teach yourself new tricks at any point in your life—but in order to talk yourself down from that ledge, it’s entirely possible to rewire your brain, and develop new patterns of thinking. 

    In fact, if you want to evolve and develop as a human being, it’s essential. 

    That’s why I’m about to pull back the curtain on one crucial step in my signature program. It’s a proven technique I use with all my clients, that in turn will help you walk away with a mantra—and help you flip the script from ‘I can’t,’ to ‘I can. And what’s more, I will!’ 

    But first let’s uncover how and why this is possible.

    And it’s all thanks to neuroplasticity… 

     

    What is Neuroplasticity?

    Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to create new neural pathways. Usually, we tend to think of this as purely physical—for example, recovery from a traumatic event such as a stroke. 

    But, in everyday terms, neuroplasticity simply means that the brain is capable of rewiring itself or adapting to change.

    In fact, until relatively recently, scientists believed that our brain was hardwired by our 20s—and our thought processes, patterns and personality were immovable.

    But that coudn’t be further from the truth. Now we know that the brain doesn’t stop regenerating or reorganizing—and with the right techniques and strategies, it’s possible to shatter old patterns of thinking. 

    Think about it this way: when you’re first learning to ski, it’s likely you’ll follow the same route down the mountain. Those pathways will become embedded, and leave deep distinct grooves in the snow.

    Then, as your confidence or curiosity grows you’ll find that it’s possible to choose a different path through the snow, and a new pattern will emerge…

    Or even a new pattern of thinking.  

     

    Step Into the Power of Aging

    The truth is with aging comes wisdom. Because, when you hit your 40’s and beyond, you are more in tune with your own true self than you ever have been.

    And as I like to remind my clients, ‘if not now when?!’ 

    But if you want to re-evaluate your life, and grab it with both hands, you need to let yourself think bigger—and take the small steps that will create a cumulative ripple effect, and lead to real lasting change. 

    And here’s what that looks like… 

     

    Craft Your Own Midlife Manifesto

    Remember how taking that new, more positive path down the mountain, can rewire your subconscious? Well, it’s these new trends and new neural pathways that will start the ripple effect you need to manifest more in your life.

    And a Midlife Manifesto is the guiding light that will keep you on track.

    I use mine to remind myself of what’s important when the going gets tough. It gives me the permission to not always have the answers, and instead choose to fill my life with love and laughter—whatever curveballs may come my way.  

    Let me share it with you now:

    ‘I AM NOT DONE!

    In fact, I’m finally figuring it out.

    At every age comes advantages and disadvantages.

    And I am choosing to focus on the advantages of each stage of my life.

    Until my last breath, I have no intention to settle for the status quo.

    I am done with beating myself up, and would rather embrace self-growth.

    I give myself permission to not always have the answers, while still filling my life with love and laughter.

    I will determine the ‘fullness’ of my life (not my age).’

    You will see that my manifesto is fundamental to who I am as coach, helping women through midlife. It sets out clearly that I am the one who will determine what I am or am not capable of. 

    Will my life become more limited? Probably. Will I still be able to get on the Peloton and kick some ass? Maybe not… But the point is, it will be my choice. And this manifesto is there to remind me: I will not settle for less, mentally and physically until my last breath.

    My midlife manifesto is my skin in the game when life gets tough. 

    And now it’s your turn… 

    Take a pen, pour a glass of wine—and write your own Midlife Manifesto. And, if you need prompts to get going, my 10 Question Toolkit will help you uncover what you want most of in and for your life. 

    But that’s not all… 

    Keep that manifesto as a talisman. Pin it to a board in your office (like I did), or (as one of my clients once did) laminate your manifesto and keep it in your purse, for whenever your confidence needs a jolt.

    Because here’s what I want you to remember: Your words matter. 

    And they are your key to unlock a more empowered state of mind. 

    XO

    Holly

     

     

       

       

       

       

       

       

      Midlife Game Changing Habits

      Midlife Game Changing Habits

      by | May 1, 2022 | Blog

      Top Five Strategies You Need To Know 

      ‘Holly, do you have any big strategies to navigate midlife? 

      ‘Y’know, the surefire, game-changing, non-negotiables that mean you’re always so on point?’

      Whoa. Now, there’s a question…

      And it’s probably the one I’m asked most — on the pickleball court, out to dinner with friends, by clients and colleagues…

      First — let’s get one thing straight, I am most definitely NOT ‘so on point…’ (!)

      Hey, I may be a Midlife Transition Coach, but I worry about my turkey neck as much as the next woman! I’m struggling to sleep through the night. Trying to figure out how to empty nest… gracefully.

      I too, question those goals I held for SO long, that sometimes feel flat and uninspiring… 

      Sure! We’re a boat load wiser. But if you find yourself wandering into the bedroom, forgetting why you’re there — and instead your thoughts turn to:

      >> Who the heck am I?

      >> What’s next?

      >> And how the hell do I begin to figure all this out?

      Then you need…

      The Top 5 Strategies To Thrive In Midlife Right Now 

      Yeah, that’s right: these are the non-negotiable, instrumental habits you need to adhere to IMMEDIATELY…

      No joke.

      Because ladies, I believe — no, I know — these habits are SO powerful, you’ll finally find your groove…  and forge your path towards a fuller, happier, more meaningful life. 

      (And hey, it’s what you’ve been asking for!)

      Because honestly? Let’s just not age gracefully. Let’s age powerfully…

      And dive right in!

      1. Keep Your Attitude in Check
        Even I find myself slipping into silly comments like: ’… well, I am an old lady.’ But, the more we indulge in that language, the more we give it mileage — the harder we’re making it for ourselves to switch gear and age optimally. 

      Energy attracts like energy.

      The truth is, we’re living longer fuller lives than ever before. There are inspiring women out there absolutely killing it in midlife, knocking it outta the park! So, instead of  indulging in negative language, flip the script to stories of strong, vibrant, engaging older women…

      And surround yourself with as much knowledge and education to live your life more powerfully.

      Check out this podcast: Radically Reframing Aging, and hear Maria Shriver discuss how we can all live our healthiest, most joyful lives as we grow older.

      1. Embrace The Now
        (Or, in short — if not now, when?)

      If there’s one thing the pandemic taught us, it’s not to hang around. I’ve worked with so many women who have had the rug pulled out from under them — diagnosed suddenly with breast cancer, diabetes, or their husbands get sick…

      You might remember last year my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It’s brutal. And I don’t know how long it’s gonna last…

      But I can’t live in a state of inertia thinking ‘once she has full time help’ or ‘once she’s in assisted living, well, then I can focus on xyz.’ I can’t wait, and I can’t put things off. I have to honor the fact it’s all consuming, accept it, yet still move forward.

      If we don’t start rockin’ and rolling now, then when will we?

      1. Treat Life As An Experiment
        It’s easy to get stuck in a rut — what we eat, how we exercise, even the makeup we use! (Am I right?) But our bodies have changed, our metabolism’s not so fired up, and chances are what worked in our 20s or 30s just ain’t gonna cut it. 

      It’s time to shake things up…

      You have GOT to have an experimental mindset.

      For example, I just don’t have the stamina that I used to. Honestly, the sh*t I could get done in a day… I’d whizz my daughter to dance class, get to the shops, see clients. Now? I just want to chill a little bit.

      So, I’ve switched up my day. I do deep work in the morning. And at 3, 4pm, I honor my need to rest. I’ll take the dogs for a walk, meditate, connect with a friend for coffee. And maybe then when I’ve done those things to nourish my soul — I’ll see an evening client.

      Try some new things on for size –experiment– not every action you take will be a home run but wisdom gained revealing what feels right, purposeful and fulfilling to you.

      1. Rewire Your Inner Dialogue
        Let’s cut to the chase here. You’ve already spent half your life beating yourself up, telling yourself you aren’t enough. Do you really wanna be 80 — and still judging yourself? 

      Or, looking back on your life wishing you’d been more present with your children, partner… but you were just too damn wrapped up and consumed by your own thoughts?

      Y’know, I’m just so done with it…

      Ladies, it’s time to let go of those old stories holding you back. Next time you hear that inner critic tell you you’re ‘less than’ say to yourself: ‘I’ve got this. I’m committed to my growth.’ Or ‘I’m discovering day-by-day what my goals and priorities are.’

      … And shut down that negative talk in its tracks.

      1. Cultivate Connection
        Most research will say, the number 1 predictor of happiness is the quality of our social relationships. Take this from an introvert! (Or rather a social introvert — I love people, but can handle them better in smaller groups…) 😉

      But, that being said…

      Here, we’re talking positive relationships. The ones that inspire, support, and challenge us. A diverse network — whether that’s seeing your best friend for lunch, or clicking with a virtual Mastermind group. Connecting with your sister, or a work colleague living overseas…

      These things keep us sharp, our wellbeing intact. They light us up.

      Because the truth is, the struggle is real. Midlife is tough. There’s no denying it. But I know with my whole being, that if you can adapt your habits and mindset to embrace these changes — you will reap the difference in your life…

      And glide into the next phase, with power, purpose and meaning. On your terms. 

      XO

      Holly

      P.S. Tell me, what are your top strategies for dealing with the chaos of midlife? Which older women truly inspire you? Comment below (or drop me an email) I’d absolutely love to know! 

      The Myth Of Having It All

      The Myth Of Having It All

      by | Mar 3, 2022 | Blog

      Hey ladies, remember these…?

      Those delightfully damaging Enjoli advertisements from the ‘80s?

      *Gulp.* (Imagine that making the Superbowl break nowadays?!)

      That’s right. As Gen X-ers we REALLY were spoon fed that we could ‘have it all.’ The children. The career. The husband…

      And of course we’d ‘never NEVER let him forget he’s a man.’

      Yikes.

      The thing is, whether it was our well intentioned mothers cheering us on — from a generation where women’s rights were little more than a novelty — or the subliminal craziness of ads like these popping up every 30 minutes…

      Where has this internal dialogue left us?

      >> Burnt out

      >> Exhausted

      >> Leaving our own wellbeing limping in last place

      And deep down you know that’s not serving anybody…

      So, this month I’m examining the psychology behind letting our purses (and our minds) constantly overflow with this baggage…

      I’m looking at why we ALL fall into one of 2 camps when it comes to aspiring for more in our lives…

      AND why we’re all still suffering from a bad case of comparisonitis. (And yes, what the heck we can do about it!)

      So ladies, let’s dive in!

      You may have heard of Tal Ben-Shahar? He’s a leading light in the world of positive psychology and one of my absolute heroes…

      Tal’s the author of 3 books including Happier, and taught the largest class in Harvard’s history: ‘Positive Psychology 101.’ He also founded the HSA (Happiness Studies Academy) where I studied for over a year — gaining coaching certification in the science behind happiness.

      Tal believes there are 2 distinct forms of perfectionism:

      1. The ‘Perfectionist.’ This individual who’s gotta be SO on point they’re suffering from anxiety, depression — even addictions.
      2. The ‘Optimalist.’ A healthy, striving individual who uses high standards to fuel their growth.

      And here’s the big difference: the Perfectionist fails to embrace reality. They’ll work 16 hours a day… AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect parent/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

      BUT, they’re failing to embrace the constraints of reality. They simply can’t do all those things. And when they inevitably fall short of their own expectations, they beat themselves up and… it all comes crashing down. Perfectionism for them, has become a great source of misery.

      On the flip side, the Optimalist has equally high standards. But they rub their vision up against reality. They aspire to be their best — within reason. They understand there are only so many hours in the day, and healthily construct an OPTIMAL life within these boundaries.

      So, be honest now. Which one are you?

      If you’ve ever felt exhausted or burnt out, I think you’ll agree unhealthy perfectionist tendencies come with some serious consequences…

      But, the truth is, decades on from the Enjoli woman, we’re now a helluva lot wiser…

      And we are DONE playing by the rules that no longer serve us. 

      So, if we’ve been dealt a bad dose of the unhealthy perfectionist syndrome (as I call it) how can we still hold to a strong commitment AND evolve into the best version of ourselves? How can we embrace the constraints of reality just a little more today?

      In other words, how can we move our mindset from Perfectionist to Optimalist?

      Well, we can start by remembering ladies, life is not about perfection —

      Progress, yes.

      We can have it all. Just not all at once. 

      Be gentle on yourself. Remember, frying that bacon up in a pan after a hard day at work for your man is probably in your DNA! It’s gonna take a little rewiring to let that past conditioning go.

      But, now you’re aware of the difference. Which means you can actively bring your best self forward…

      So, next time you feel the pang of perfectionism, be realistic. Look at life through a different lens — and flip that script from Perfectionist to Optimalist.

      XO

      Holly

      P.S. If you’re a recovering perfectionist (and let’s face it, who isn’t?) how does it manifest in your life? When do you feel the wheels coming off? Hit me back and let’s talk about it.

      P.P.S. And if you want to read more about this topic Ben-Shahar’s book ‘Pursuit of Perfect’ is an ahem, perfect place to start.

      Real Vibes Only-Please!

      Real Vibes Only-Please!

      by | Mar 4, 2021 | Blog

      Toxic Positivity Is A Real Thing 

      See the good in everything.

      Stay strong.

      It could be worse.

      This too shall pass

      Just be positive.

      All well intended ideas but how do we effectively problem solve or respond appropriately to circumstances in our life that are causing discomfort and difficult emotions if we don’t deal with them as we truly are experiencing them. Clearly, as a women’s empowerment coach, I’m a big fan of the power of positivity. But when it comes at the cost of denying us the opportunity to be real and honest with ourselves, positivity winds up becoming toxic in nature, detracting and harmful to our growth because we’re not operating in a world as we really are experiencing it, rather as we wish it to be. Preventing us from having those hard conversations with ourselves and others. 

      I understand people have the best of intentions and want to be a source of light and levity and not feel painful emotions but right now given the collective trauma we’re all experiencing with the coronavirus pandemic, toxic positivity seems to be more problematic than ever. It’s alarming and I’m seeing its impact on my clients big time; judging themselves for why they aren’t “feeling it”, beating themselves up for not aggressively pursuing their goals, wondering why they are waking up anxious more days then not and easily overwhelmed. Sure, we are all acclimating and adapting to “Covid Life” but that requires a tremendous amount of energy. We are working on low reserves. Now more than ever false, forced positivity is not the way to go, it only adds to our feelings of distress by putting an additional pressure on ourselves to appear ok, denying us the support we actually need to effectively cope with what we are experiencing. 

      I’m not suggesting we throw in the towel nor resign or brood over our negative emotions but if I hear one more person chalk up their distress with “it could be worse”, I might just snap, because hell yeah it can always be worse but that’s not the point. Acknowledging and verbalizing our difficult emotions releases the hold they have on us while give us  greater clarity on how to best support ourselves. 

      Whether it be your partner telling you to look on the bright side, a friend repeatedly sharing how much fun they are having even during the pandemic, a meme instructing you to “Choose Happiness”, or you’re feeling you should just be grateful for what you have and only have a positive mindset, remember toxic positivity is a real thing. If you’re not feeling it, avoid the urge to play along, as uncomfortable as it is to express negative emotions they offer us valuable information, allowing us to make decisions that will help us feel better in the long run. So we can then chose to put into place those strategies and “life” tools to build our capacity and claim our potential.

      Encouraging Everyone To Keep It Real

      -Holly-