midlife women Archives - Holly Boxenhorn

Why Craft A Midlife Manifesto?

by Holly Boxenhorn | Sep 13, 2023 | Blog

Your Midlife Manifesto: The Science-Baked Secret to An Empowered State of Mind

Last week, I pulled my favorite pair of jeans out of the closet, and boy did they feel tight.

(In fact, it took me back to my teenage days, laying on the bed to squeeze into my 501’s, using a coat hanger to pull the zipper up over my hips.)

Only this time, I don’t feel quite so hot. I’m under no illusions. And when that kind of thinking starts, I can feel myself teetering on the rabbit hole of negativity:

‘Oh boy. Here comes the midlife paunch.’

‘I’ll have to stop wearing that kinda thing.’

‘I’m just too old to get away with it.’

Because sure, I happen to be a women’s midlife coach. But that doesn’t mean I’m immune to the occasional negative self-talk when something derails me. (And yes, that ‘something’ may be as simple as finding it damn near impossible to fasten the top button on my beloved 501s.)

And I know I’m not the only one…

Because so often my clients arrive at our first session together armed with layer upon layer of negative self-talk. Most don’t realize they’re doing it, but the outcome is still the same:

These brilliant, inspiring women are left with chronic feelings of unworthiness, which in turn limit their success, happiness and potential—and means they’re far more likely to settle for less in their lives…

The Power of Language is No Joke, Especially Our Own Inner Dialogue with Ourselves

Yes, even the most seemingly innocuous, or benign phrases such as ‘I don’t have enough time’ can keep you stuck in a holding pattern.

And as for my midlifer’s personal favorite, ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,’ well, I’m here to tell you that’s simply not true!

Not only is it absolutely possible to teach yourself new tricks at any point in your life—but in order to talk yourself down from that ledge, it’s entirely possible to rewire your brain, and develop new patterns of thinking.

In fact, if you want to evolve and develop as a human being, it’s essential.

That’s why I’m about to pull back the curtain on one crucial step in my signature program. It’s a proven technique I use with all my clients, that in turn will help you walk away with a mantra—and help you flip the script from ‘I can’t,’ to ‘I can. And what’s more, I will!’

But first let’s uncover how and why this is possible.

And it’s all thanks to neuroplasticity…

What is Neuroplasticity?

Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to create new neural pathways. Usually, we tend to think of this as purely physical—for example, recovery from a traumatic event such as a stroke.

But, in everyday terms, neuroplasticity simply means that the brain is capable of rewiring itself or adapting to change.

In fact, until relatively recently, scientists believed that our brain was hardwired by our 20s—and our thought processes, patterns and personality were immovable.

But that coudn’t be further from the truth. Now we know that the brain doesn’t stop regenerating or reorganizing—and with the right techniques and strategies, it’s possible to shatter old patterns of thinking.

Think about it this way: when you’re first learning to ski, it’s likely you’ll follow the same route down the mountain. Those pathways will become embedded, and leave deep distinct grooves in the snow.

Then, as your confidence or curiosity grows you’ll find that it’s possible to choose a different path through the snow, and a new pattern will emerge…

Or even a new pattern of thinking.

Step Into the Power of Aging

The truth is with aging comes wisdom. Because, when you hit your 40’s and beyond, you are more in tune with your own true self than you ever have been.

And as I like to remind my clients, ‘if not now when?!’

But if you want to re-evaluate your life, and grab it with both hands, you need to let yourself think bigger—and take the small steps that will create a cumulative ripple effect, and lead to real lasting change.

And here’s what that looks like…

Craft Your Own Midlife Manifesto

Remember how taking that new, more positive path down the mountain, can rewire your subconscious? Well, it’s these new trends and new neural pathways that will start the ripple effect you need to manifest more in your life.

And a Midlife Manifesto is the guiding light that will keep you on track.

I use mine to remind myself of what’s important when the going gets tough. It gives me the permission to not always have the answers, and instead choose to fill my life with love and laughter—whatever curveballs may come my way.

Let me share it with you now:

‘I AM NOT DONE!

In fact, I’m finally figuring it out.

At every age comes advantages and disadvantages.

And I am choosing to focus on the advantages of each stage of my life.

Until my last breath, I have no intention to settle for the status quo.

I am done with beating myself up, and would rather embrace self-growth.

I give myself permission to not always have the answers, while still filling my life with love and laughter.

I will determine the ‘fullness’ of my life (not my age).’

You will see that my manifesto is fundamental to who I am as coach, helping women through midlife. It sets out clearly that I am the one who will determine what I am or am not capable of.

Will my life become more limited? Probably. Will I still be able to get on the Peloton and kick some ass? Maybe not… But the point is, it will be my choice. And this manifesto is there to remind me: I will not settle for less, mentally and physically until my last breath.

My midlife manifesto is my skin in the game when life gets tough.

And now it’s your turn…

Take a pen, pour a glass of wine—and write your own Midlife Manifesto. And, if you need prompts to get going, my 10 Question Toolkit will help you uncover what you want most of in and for your life.

But that’s not all…

Keep that manifesto as a talisman. Pin it to a board in your office (like I did), or (as one of my clients once did) laminate your manifesto and keep it in your purse, for whenever your confidence needs a jolt.

Because here’s what I want you to remember: Your words matter.

And they are your key to unlock a more empowered state of mind.

Holly

What The Cast of Friends Can Teach You About Making Decisions

by Holly Boxenhorn | Jul 5, 2023 | Blog

Difficult Decisions Are Everywhere

Do you find it hard to make your mind up?

Well, I hate to break it to you, but in midlife, decision making can take on a whole new level…

Why? Well, when you factor in brain fog, anxiety, or the loss of confidence that often comes with going through menopause, it can mean you find yourself overthinking, and even the simplest decisions feel like accepting a marriage proposal…

Yet, the truth is when you hit your 50’s or 60’s you’ll often find yourself with more decisions than EVER to make in life.

Take me for example! In the last 5 years I’ve had to decide:

Whether or not to have my hip replaced (health decisions are HUGE in midlife)
If assisted living is right for my mom, and how best to deal with her alzheimer’s diagnosis
With all this going on, how exactly to expand my business, and how best to serve my clients

Now, how we choose to make good decisions is as unique as we are. Some people will gather a great deal of info, and consider thoughts and opinions from a ton of sources.

Others gather significantly less and take more time to decide…

And others will hurtle headlong into any decision based on what their gut tells them.

So, how can we possibly know if the decisions we make are the right ones?

Well, that’s where Holographic Thinking comes in…

Holographic Thinking is something I learned in my iPEC training, and it’s an absolute game-changer (I don’t use that term lightly!) in helping you make good informed decisions and trusting your own judgment.

Holographic Thinking teaches us there are 3 main ways to make your mind up:

1. Logic: analyzing a situation through examining the facts and using your mind in a linear and scientific way. Maybe this involves research about what experts believe about the situation, or critically analyzing what you already know by experience or common knowledge.

When you approach a decision logically you’re looking to see if it makes sense.

2. Emotion: looking at a situation through the lens of how you feel. Here you’re probably looking to see what would be most enjoyable, or how the decision might affect others around you.

3. Intuition: instinctive knowledge that can’t be explained. (Or looking to see what your senses say.) This is what I refer to as a ‘midlife wizery’—i.e. many lessons learned, much knowledge acquired, and knowing ourselves better than ever.

Ask yourself, how many midlife women do you meet who are totally rocking it, no longer bullshit themselves—and are so done with feeling ‘less than?’ Well, chances are, they’re perfectly in touch with their intuition…

Now, all that being said, no one way is better than another, but combining all 3 is where the power lies—just as a hologram produces 3 dimensions or perspectives.

So how can we make Holographic Thinking work for us in real terms, in real life?

Well, next time you have a decision to make, ask yourself these questions:

How much sense does it make? How do I think it will work?
How enjoyable or fun will it be?
What do my inner senses say about it? What does my gut say?

These questions target each facet of your thought process, and help you arrive at a well rounded answer you can be confident in.

And how can Friends help you with Holographic Thinking?

If you find it difficult to remember the distinctions between the 3 types, it can help to associate them with advice from people you know—or even characters from your favorite sitcom.

For example:

What would logical Ross do to come to a decision in your situation? He’d likely read every single book on the subject and weigh up every possibility.
How would emotional Rachel feel about it? She’d probably write a letter (‘eighteen pages, front and back!’) and let it all out.
And how would intuitive Phoebe deal with it? She’d trust her gut, play her guitar and wait for inspiration to strike.

But one thing’s for sure, together over coffee in Central Perk, their decisions would definitely be more nuanced, powerful and effective.

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Find you have more questions than EVER in midlife? Grab my 10 Question Toolkit. It’ll give you the skillset to not only manage the mayhem—but master it.

GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW

I AM…

by Holly Boxenhorn | Jun 7, 2023 | Blog

Who Are You? Really…?

Here’s what I know to be true: every woman has wings. But some need help to color them in.

Some are washed out. Some need to color over the lines. Others? A touch of glitter…

Now, some clients, when they come to me, have incredible wings. Their feathers are bright. They sparkle (and they know it!)

BUT… they’ve been clipped. They’re caged, and they’ve lost their voice.

So, what do I mean by all this?

Well, maybe life feels like a sh*tshow right now? Perhaps you woke up this morning and thought:

I’m so done with being someone’s puppet.

I’m f*cking clueless.

I haven’t had my voice for so long.

I have no idea…

What do I really want?

Because here’s the truth: ALL of us, now and then, need help remembering who we are.

Yes, that’s right. I don’t care how beautiful your wings are, or how you got here. Every woman comes to me at a different level—and could benefit from some more color, more life in her wings.

Let’s try it out…

If I asked you ‘who are you?’ I expect your first thought would be to list what you do, or your relationship to other people: i.e. wife or mother, or your job title.

But these are labels defined by society, not the true essence of you.

So, what if you’re reading this and think: ‘Holly, I’ve spent so long looking after everyone else, I don’t know who I am. And I don’t know where to start…’

Well, that’s where the ‘Who Am I?’ exercise comes in.

Its purpose is simple: to understand how your strengths, gifts and values meld to form who you are.

Because here’s the thing: every experience until this point has shaped your perception of the world…

And that’s why midlife is the perfect time to find out what color you want your wings to be—or in other words, who you really are.

So, grab a pen and paper, pour a glass of wine or a cup of tea, and work through the following questions:

Step 1: Identify your key descriptors:

What are the 5-10 most important values in your life?

How would you describe the attributes you most like about yourself?

What do other people admire most about you—and what is the impact you have on them?

Hint: if you can’t objectively see your gifts and strengths, it can help to reach out to up to 5 people in various parts of your life, and ask what they see as your unique qualities, attributes, or characteristics. Ask, why do you mean so much to them? And how do you impact their life?

(This also helps realize your impact, and gives you direction towards ‘who you are.’)

What core beliefs about life serve you best?

What makes you unique, or stand out from others?

What makes you feel most passionate, satisfied, and most fulfilled?

If you had to name one feeling that you would like to have most often, what would that be?

Step 2: Put an X by the 5-10 most important words from the list you made, and convert those 5-10 descriptors to nouns.

(For example, if ‘being healthy’ is one of your key descriptors, convert to ‘health.’ If ‘honest’ is one, convert to ‘honesty.’)

Step 3: Take these nouns and make them into ‘I Am’ statements. Feel free to combine more than one concept or idea in each statement. You should have at least 5 statements, beginning with ‘I am”. (For the examples above, your statements would be ‘I am Health’ and ‘I am Honesty.’)

Step 4: Rank each order of these statements by numbering them from 1 (as the most powerful) to the least powerful/descriptive of the list.

Record your final ‘I Am’ statements, in rank order below, so you can refer to them later on.

Step 5: Finally, seriously consider all of your final ‘I Am’ statements in relation to how you currently live. And ask yourself:

What adjustments could you make?

How well do you currently bring who you are into everything you do?

Look at the different roles you play in your life. You may be a spouse, a parent, a child, a worker, a sibling, a friend, etc. Which roles do you believe are true to yourself, or where your true self shines? Which roles does your true self hide?

In other words: what color do you want your wings to be?

Or who are you… really?