Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

Pulling Back The Curtain..

Let me tell you a little story about Vicky…

Vicky’s been my client for many, many years. And in that time (she wouldn’t mind my telling you) her perspective’s done a 180°. 

For years Vicky dreaded retiring. Her husband wanted to head to Florida—and hands down she didn’t. Her son was in New York, her daughter getting married. Vicky thought she’d be isolated, lonely, and at this time of her life? Really wasn’t grooving to a retirement state of mind… 

But she took the plunge…

And couldn’t have been more wrong.

Now, if I Zoom Vicky, I can see the happiness in her eyes. She has more friends than ever, she’s at the beach every week, her daughter moved down with her grandson—and Vicky’s life is complete. 

But all it took was a little bravery, and embracing the unknown.

And then there’s Randy, who I’ve coached for nearly 5 years….

When we met, Randy was divorced—and sworn off men. Romance was never a topic of conversation. She was closed to any possibility of love, or being in a relationship again. 

Randy thought she was happy alone. (At least until she met David at a friend’s cocktail party…) 

Randy’s 67.

Or there’s Maggie, who in a matter of years, went from owning her own company, and all the prestige that comes with that—to uncovering chaos behind the scenes, making her escape, and building a new life for herself outside the corporate world.  

Now Maggie’s connected to her purpose and (despite her children leaving home) blazes a trail on the board of a local college. 

But, why am I telling you all this?

Well, let me be clear with you here: these women might be my clients, but I can’t take ALL the credit for this. 

Despite how this might read, it’s not like I spread magic dust on people. (If only it was that easy!)

All of these women have been through a process. It takes time, and it’s super exciting to watch (especially as I struggle right now, to juggle homelife with the needs of my mom).

No, the truth is Vicky, Randy and Maggie all have one big thing in common: they’re radically reframing aging.

They refuse to be cow-towed by the media, bombarding us with pictures of youth and unrealistic expectations of beauty. They ignore the constant calls for botox, nips and tucks—and the need to hold onto some warped notion that success and happiness is the privilege of the young. 

Now, of course this doesn’t come without apprehension. Yes, all of these women felt scared and nervous about the future. But they’ve stepped out of their comfort zones, embraced the unknown, and frankly…

They’re killing it. 

And they’re not the only ones… 

Because I’m noticing a trend. Not only have many celebrity women stopped trying to hide their age (think of the ‘Sarah Jessica Parker Goes Gray!’ headlines that went viral last year) but they’re speaking up about the truth of midlife: that it can be more powerful and fulfilling than ever before. 

Just get a load of this:

‘I think women come into their 40s—certainly mid-40s—and think, Oh, this is the beginning of the decline…things start to change and fade in directions that I don’t want them to go in anymore…  

‘But I’ve decided, no. We become more woman, more powerful, more sexy… We grow into ourselves more. We have opportunities to speak our mind and not be afraid of what people think of us. And not care what we look like so much.’

  • Kate Winslet, 47, on BBC’s Woman’s Hour. 

Or as Glennon Doyle, 46, so fantastically puts it: 

‘Oh holy yes! Aging is the best thing to ever happen to me. Aging is unbecoming all the women I thought I was supposed to be, and breathing for God’s sake. 

‘Aging is like being one of those Russian nesting dolls and peeling off costumes one at a time-till I’m left as that little solid doll. Just that one. Nothing too big or wobbly.

‘I believe the spiritual/official explanation for a wise woman aging is: LOOK AT HER! SHE HAS RUNNETH OUT OF EFFS TO GIVE.
‘Beloveds in your twenties and thirties: It GETS BETTER!!!!!’

And… she’s right. 

It’s time to say enough is enough of that ‘I’m too old,’ ‘can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ mentality —

It’s bullsh!t. 

And probably one of midlife’s biggest, ugliest, craziest myths.

And what’s more, believing myths around aging literally harms our health, and makes us more vulnerable to the fears we hold onto as we get older.

But what can you do, day to day, to change your internal narrative around midlife. Well, you can start by remembering there are plenty of inspiring women who are choosing this path and then surround yourself with knowledge and support to age powerfully. 

Know this: you’re not too old, and it’s never too late. 

And, even if you can’t quite feel that ‘aging is the best thing to ever happen to you,’ taking a leaf out of Jamie Lee Curtis’s book is a not a bad place to start: 

‘My motto is, ‘If not now, when? And, if not me, who?’ And, that has unleashed me and freed me, and allowed me to do everything I’m doing with zero attachment.’

  • Jamie Lee Curtis, 64.

Amen to that.

XO 

Holly

P.S. On going gray, SJP said, ‘it became months and months of conversation about how brave I am for having gray hair… I was like, please please applaud someone else’s courage on something!

We spend so much time talking about the accumulation of time spent adding up in wrinkles, and it’s the weirdest thing that we don’t say it adds up to being better at your job, better as a friend, better as a daughter, better as a partner, better as a caregiver, better as a sister…’

Yup, surround yourself with inspirational women—and the impact on your mindset, outlook and actions will be profound. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Time To Clean House??

    Time To Clean House??

    How To Deal With Challenging Relationships 

    “I have a ‘friend.” 

    She’s combative. Cutting. Once we had commonality but now… She’s the kind of friend that walking away from the party you feel kinda… sober.

    Or driving home—you don’t even realize it—but find yourself thinking… ‘Why don’t I feel so great?’

    And then it clicks. ‘Ohhh. She was being an asshole.’ 

    Hmmm.   

    Maybe this resonates with you?

    Because truth be told this is a HUGE topic of conversation in my coaching world. And it doesn’t matter whether you’re single or married—Ladies, at our time of life, we’re thinking about cleaning house…

    We ALL want to be surrounded by real, authentic human beings who aren’t pretentious, don’t expect us to be Superwoman—but do boost us up…

    Yet, we’ve tolerated certain relationships for far too long.

    So, what can you do about it? 

    Well, there are 5 methods for managing draining relationships. 

    (But the truth is, most people retreat to #1…)

    1. Remain a victim to it
    2. Change it
    3. Change perspective of it
    4. Accept it 
    5. Leave it

    Let’s unpack these a little…

    1. Remain a Victim To The Relationship

    In other words, continue to allow this relationship to drain you. This most likely includes a feeling of loss of control, powerlessness, uncontrolled anger, grief and depression. Worst case scenario? It’ll keep draining us till nothing is left.

    Ask yourself…

    • What is blocking my willingness to change this relationship?
    • If I’m not willing to change the relationship at this point, what’s my target timeline for re-evaluation?                                                                                               

    2. Change The Relationship

    Here we recognize that you can take proactive action to change the relationship (or some aspect of it) so that you can remain in it and benefit from it. 

    For example, you may find a common point of agreement that enables the relationship to continue—at least at a neutral level—releasing and reconciling differences, developing coping mechanisms, or taking action from higher levels of energy in order to shift the energy of others and yourself.

     Ways you can do this:

    • Resolve/repair conflict 
    • Create opportunities to grow and experience life together
    • Connect with the bigger picture of the relationship

    Ask yourself, why is this relationship important? What’s your common ground? And how can you both benefit from being in the relationship?

    3. Change Perspective of It

    Rather than changing the relationship with actions and new behaviors, a relationship can also be changed through modifying and shifting how we look at it. The bottomline here? Different ‘lenses’ bring different experiences.

    Ask yourself, how can you look at this draining and/or challenging relationship with a fresh pair of eyes? 

    And consider this…

    • What qualities do you appreciate in the other person—and how can you stay connected to this?
    • How can you see the other person from a new vantage point?
    • How can you experience the relationship from a different position?

    *This strategy can also be very effective with past relationships that are still emotionally charged within you, despite the relationship being over or currently non-existent. 

    (Think a painful divorce or even a deceased individual. In either case you could be so wracked by pain and guilt that you’re having a hard time moving forward.) 

    4.Accept The Relationship

    Here, you suspend judgment, stress and burden associated with the relationship. You are accepting it just as it is… and ‘as it is’ is okay. The relationship requires nothing but acceptance of peace for this moment in time.

    3 Strategies to Consider:

    • The use of centering techniques
    • Daily mantras 
    • Other self-help techniques to enhance your ability to remain stress free when engaged in this challenging relationship (i.e. physical reminders, knowing your limits, or minimizing duration of time spent alone with the person in question)

    The key is to find whatever it takes to help you remain in the relationship—and not feel drained by it. 

    5. Leave The Relationship

    If you don’t like the relationship and you cannot/will not remain in it…

    Or you’ve tried to change the way you look at it (and can’t) then your remaining option is to leave. Or terminate it. Respect the other person, and yourself as human beings and know that sometimes we cannot co-exist. 

    There is no judgment necessary. This is not good or bad—it simply is.

    Ask yourself…

    • How ready are you to leave?
    • What is your plan to transition out of the relationship?

    * If you are less than 100% ready to leave, develop plans to shift your readiness, or reconsider your strategy.

    And finally, here’s a simple truth that might help you to visualize…

    There are 3 types of friends. The ones you keep in the kitchen, the ones on the front porch, and the ones you keep out on the street. 

    So, what’s the difference?

    Well, your kitchen is the heart of the house. They’re your nearest and dearest…

    Those on the front porch—we’ll keep them at arm’s length. But if nurtured and cultivated, maybe they too could be welcomed with open arms…

    And those on the street? We’ll keep it lighthearted. ‘Hey how are you?’ (No need for anything more…)

    But why am I telling you this? 

    Because if you’re reading this, I’d wager at this point in your life… you’re seeing things differently.

    Maybe what once seemed to work for you—isn’t. Perhaps even back then you didn’t realize this wasn’t an ideal relationship, but you just kinda sucked it up…

    And now you’re tired of sucking it up.

    And finally, how did I resolve my difficult friendship?

    I’ve accepted it. I keep her on the street. It’s not gonna get any better than this—that’s not who she is. 

    And I use the presence of others as buffers… 

    XO

    Holly

    P.S. Consider taking some time this month to examine your relationships more closely… 

    Ask yourself, how do key relationships in your life affect your spirits? Are they raising you up or dragging you down? What can you do to foster ‘healthier’ relationships?

    Contact me today for a complimentary session, and together we can strategize on how to maximize ALL your relationships…