The Dreaded ‘Trifecta of Midlife’ (and what you can do about it)

The Dreaded ‘Trifecta of Midlife’ (and what you can do about it)

Why Do So Many Women Feel Irrelevant In Midlife 

I remember the first time it happened. 

I was standing in line at the bagel store looking down at my phone, when a voice in front of me called out—

“Can I help you Ma’am?”

Huh?

I turned around — 

And I’m thinking, ‘Who? Me? Ma’am?! Who’s ‘Ma’am?’

I was wearing sunglasses for heaven’s sake!

I’d just been working out. I had a vest on, my hair scrunched up on top of my head. 

Wow. Is it my hair? Is it my posture? What is it about me that looks so much older? (Yup, all these thoughts flashed through my mind in a nanosecond.)

“Ma’am?!” (He was getting impatient now.) “How can I help you?”

So, I sighed. And took a step forward in line—both literally, and metaphorically. 

Because somehow I’d moved up a notch. 

I was officially middle aged.  

And for a moment, that feeling my clients talk about so often flashed into my mind: 

‘I feel invisible. And irrelevant.’

Now, I’m okay sharing this with you because I know you feel the same. 

When? 

Every time you look in the mirror, second guess your dress choice—and that inner critic screams ‘you’re way too old for that!’ 

Every time you glance down at your stretch marks, and pull that coverup over your bikini…

Every time you walk past a construction site—and don’t get wolf-whistled. 

(C’mon… admit it! And yes, the feminist in me hated it too when I was younger.)

But all this is no surprise, because our youth obsessed society conditions us to believe that our relevance is attached to how attractive we are — 

Or how much attention we get from men.

But here’s the thing…

While that may be one reason, to pin it all on this is to do ourselves a disservice. Because irrelevance in midlife is about so much more than mere attractiveness…

And in fact, after a decade of hearing my clients agonize over this, I can tell you it comes down to not 1, but 3 universal truths (and my own personal spin on it…)

So, let’s start from the top…  

1. Our Youth Obsessed Culture

Washed up. Dried out. And my own personal favorite, ‘spinster.’ 

Yikes. Over the years there have been some damn offensive terms for a woman of a certain age (especially if she’d never been married). 

And although those terms are outdated now, you could argue they’ve been replaced by something else—a youth obsessed culture that tells us we have so much less to give physically or sexually…

Our social media feeds are full of makeup, hair extensions, and tight dewy skin. Lunch hour ‘botox-breaks’ are the norm. Younger women snap at the heels of our career…

Whoa. It’s no surprise that many of us still think our relevance is defined by how attractive men find us. 

Especially when you wake up and realize… 

2. You Don’t Feel ‘Middle Aged’

Just like my bagel-boy example above, the truth is middle age creeps up on us—then slaps us in the face with a jar of Pond’s cold cream. 

My point? It feels like only last week I was a ‘miss’—and now I’m a ‘Ma’am.’ (And an ex-runner turned Peloton obsessive, with two hip replacements to boot.) 

WTAF? 

Now, however middle-aged is ‘supposed’ to feel, I’m not feeling it. And neither is anyone around me…

(Heck, even Carrie Bradshaw and co are struggling.)

3. Your Life is Changing Up

Children leaving home, going to college and getting married…

Parents aging—and needing so much more from us…

Technology, AI and feeling like we can’t keep up… 

Good and bad, wherever we look, the world—and our lives—are changing. 

And when you throw menopause into the mix, well, you could say the very definition of midlife is ‘change.’

Physically and mentally, midlife throws so much more at us than we bargained for… 

And that brings me to bonus point number 4, or my own personal take on this… 

Your Way Forward Has Disappeared. And There Is No Roadmap…

Here’s the deal: most of us have spent our lives putting others first. We’ve been the perfect wife, mother or daughter for so long… 

We’ve been to college, raised families, and had successful careers. 

In fact, we’ve been spoon fed since day one what we should and shouldn’t be doing, how we can excel, how we should operate as women. And I strongly believe us Gen-Xers, the late baby boomers have had the worst of it.  

In short? We’ve had many, many decades of putting ourselves in a box of what everyone else should expect us to do.

We’ve never tapped into our true, authentic self. We’ve never found out what our preferences might actually be. (Or we abandoned them for family and work.)

We’ve played nice and not ruffled any feathers.

And as a result? When our children leave home, or career changes up, we feel tired and irrelevant…

Our purpose has vanished…

And we find ourselves asking… 

“Who am I anyway?” 

Maybe this resonates?

Well, if it does, know this, you are definitely not alone. (In fact, I can’t tell you how many clients come to me with those exact same feelings.) 

But here’s the deal: it doesn’t have to be that way. And it’s never too late to flip the script on this.

The Secret? Learn How To Invest in Yourself in Midlife

Now, don’t get me wrong. This isn’t easy when you’ve spent a lifetime thinking about the wants, needs and preferences of others…

But this is your time now.  

And you must take these steps. Because every single woman I know who overcomes her feelings of irrelevance is invested in her own self development—they focus on their personal growth, they work out what their interests might be, they take up new hobbies. 

They refuse to buy into our youth obsessed culture—because they know it’s just one narrative. Online, they follow women who inspire them, and light them up. They embrace an Experimental Mindset. 

They know their world is there to be shaped, and they refuse to give in…

And second? They stay connected. They join clubs, and move amongst people who see them for what they truly are. They feel seen, heard, and relevant.

In fact, this is the exact reason I don’t feel irrelevant. (Well, at least until some young server dares to call me ‘Ma’am.’ 😉

Seriously now. I’ve done the legwork, I have exposure to so many tools to help me, and I’m lucky to be in this industry.

And the reason I don’t have that piece is because I’ve built a very strong sense of self. 

I know who I am. 

And I’m here to help you feel the same. 

XO 

Holly 

P.S. If you’re reading this thinking, ‘but Holly, I’ve no idea what my own preferences and needs, wants and desires might be!’ My 10 Question Toolkit is a great place to start. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

Pulling Back The Curtain..

Let me tell you a little story about Vicky…

Vicky’s been my client for many, many years. And in that time (she wouldn’t mind my telling you) her perspective’s done a 180°. 

For years Vicky dreaded retiring. Her husband wanted to head to Florida—and hands down she didn’t. Her son was in New York, her daughter getting married. Vicky thought she’d be isolated, lonely, and at this time of her life? Really wasn’t grooving to a retirement state of mind… 

But she took the plunge…

And couldn’t have been more wrong.

Now, if I Zoom Vicky, I can see the happiness in her eyes. She has more friends than ever, she’s at the beach every week, her daughter moved down with her grandson—and Vicky’s life is complete. 

But all it took was a little bravery, and embracing the unknown.

And then there’s Randy, who I’ve coached for nearly 5 years….

When we met, Randy was divorced—and sworn off men. Romance was never a topic of conversation. She was closed to any possibility of love, or being in a relationship again. 

Randy thought she was happy alone. (At least until she met David at a friend’s cocktail party…) 

Randy’s 67.

Or there’s Maggie, who in a matter of years, went from owning her own company, and all the prestige that comes with that—to uncovering chaos behind the scenes, making her escape, and building a new life for herself outside the corporate world.  

Now Maggie’s connected to her purpose and (despite her children leaving home) blazes a trail on the board of a local college. 

But, why am I telling you all this?

Well, let me be clear with you here: these women might be my clients, but I can’t take ALL the credit for this. 

Despite how this might read, it’s not like I spread magic dust on people. (If only it was that easy!)

All of these women have been through a process. It takes time, and it’s super exciting to watch (especially as I struggle right now, to juggle homelife with the needs of my mom).

No, the truth is Vicky, Randy and Maggie all have one big thing in common: they’re radically reframing aging.

They refuse to be cow-towed by the media, bombarding us with pictures of youth and unrealistic expectations of beauty. They ignore the constant calls for botox, nips and tucks—and the need to hold onto some warped notion that success and happiness is the privilege of the young. 

Now, of course this doesn’t come without apprehension. Yes, all of these women felt scared and nervous about the future. But they’ve stepped out of their comfort zones, embraced the unknown, and frankly…

They’re killing it. 

And they’re not the only ones… 

Because I’m noticing a trend. Not only have many celebrity women stopped trying to hide their age (think of the ‘Sarah Jessica Parker Goes Gray!’ headlines that went viral last year) but they’re speaking up about the truth of midlife: that it can be more powerful and fulfilling than ever before. 

Just get a load of this:

‘I think women come into their 40s—certainly mid-40s—and think, Oh, this is the beginning of the decline…things start to change and fade in directions that I don’t want them to go in anymore…  

‘But I’ve decided, no. We become more woman, more powerful, more sexy… We grow into ourselves more. We have opportunities to speak our mind and not be afraid of what people think of us. And not care what we look like so much.’

  • Kate Winslet, 47, on BBC’s Woman’s Hour. 

Or as Glennon Doyle, 46, so fantastically puts it: 

‘Oh holy yes! Aging is the best thing to ever happen to me. Aging is unbecoming all the women I thought I was supposed to be, and breathing for God’s sake. 

‘Aging is like being one of those Russian nesting dolls and peeling off costumes one at a time-till I’m left as that little solid doll. Just that one. Nothing too big or wobbly.

‘I believe the spiritual/official explanation for a wise woman aging is: LOOK AT HER! SHE HAS RUNNETH OUT OF EFFS TO GIVE.
‘Beloveds in your twenties and thirties: It GETS BETTER!!!!!’

And… she’s right. 

It’s time to say enough is enough of that ‘I’m too old,’ ‘can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ mentality —

It’s bullsh!t. 

And probably one of midlife’s biggest, ugliest, craziest myths.

And what’s more, believing myths around aging literally harms our health, and makes us more vulnerable to the fears we hold onto as we get older.

But what can you do, day to day, to change your internal narrative around midlife. Well, you can start by remembering there are plenty of inspiring women who are choosing this path and then surround yourself with knowledge and support to age powerfully. 

Know this: you’re not too old, and it’s never too late. 

And, even if you can’t quite feel that ‘aging is the best thing to ever happen to you,’ taking a leaf out of Jamie Lee Curtis’s book is a not a bad place to start: 

‘My motto is, ‘If not now, when? And, if not me, who?’ And, that has unleashed me and freed me, and allowed me to do everything I’m doing with zero attachment.’

  • Jamie Lee Curtis, 64.

Amen to that.

XO 

Holly

P.S. On going gray, SJP said, ‘it became months and months of conversation about how brave I am for having gray hair… I was like, please please applaud someone else’s courage on something!

We spend so much time talking about the accumulation of time spent adding up in wrinkles, and it’s the weirdest thing that we don’t say it adds up to being better at your job, better as a friend, better as a daughter, better as a partner, better as a caregiver, better as a sister…’

Yup, surround yourself with inspirational women—and the impact on your mindset, outlook and actions will be profound. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Midlife Crisis Or Transformation

    Midlife Crisis Or Transformation

    Why Does Midlife Get Such A Bad Rep?

    Now that I am personally in the height of midlife, I find myself vacillating between feelings of uncertainty and confusion yet a budding excitement of possibility and newness.  I mean I get it, navigating the inevitable transitions we face; our children leaving home, careers changing, parents aging/dying, re-envisioning intimate/social relationships, all while adjusting to our own health and body changes can be a disruptive force. For many of us, up until this point, there seemed to be a path we followed (i.e. school, careers, marriage/partnership, caretaking), or at least it was prescribed to us as the road that lead the way. But now the map leads…where?

    On top of that who we are has changed, we care about different things and our values have shifted. What once served us well is no longer working for us yet these old patterns and habits are hard to ditch, leaving us wondering despite our best of intentions why we still feel unfulfilled and frustrated moving into the next phase of our lives. It’s no wonder midlife gets such a bad rep!

    While midlife transitions are certainly challenging and often times messy they don’t have to be a downward spiral into darkness and irrelevancy. Here’s what I know to be true…I am way wiser now than I was younger. By midlife we’ve all learned enough about ourselves better enabling us to reflect and re-evaluate how we want to show up in the next phase of our lives. It can actually be period of time where we give ourselves permission to wipe the slate clean and reclaim ourselves, where leveraging a life filled with highs and lows can be the door to accessing a richer and deeper adult phase of life. 

    Crisis or transformation? I think that’s really up to us. Look I really don’t like the fact that I find myself trying to conceal my “turkey” neck, struggle to sleep through the night, am trying to figure out how to empty nest gracefully, and am suddenly questioning goals I thought for sure would lead my way into the latter years of my life are now feeling flat and uninspiring. But here’s the thing, change IS an inevitable part of life. There is no getting around that. And since midlife seems to usher in a constant state of transitions, I know the one and only thing I can truly control is how I chose to show up through each. No doubt it’s going to be a bumpy ride, but I’m going to lean in and trust the process, reminding myself I’m behind the steering wheel and put worry and doubt in the back seat. 

    Anyone with me?

    Wishing You Always The Best Of Success

    -Holly-