midlife changes Archives - Holly Boxenhorn

The Dreaded ‘Trifecta of Midlife’ (and what you can do about it)

by Holly Boxenhorn | Dec 1, 2023 | Blog

Why Do So Many Women Feel Irrelevant In Midlife

I remember the first time it happened.

I was standing in line at the bagel store looking down at my phone, when a voice in front of me called out—

“Can I help you Ma’am?”

Huh?

I turned around —

And I’m thinking, ‘Who? Me? Ma’am?! Who’s ‘Ma’am?’

I was wearing sunglasses for heaven’s sake!

I’d just been working out. I had a vest on, my hair scrunched up on top of my head.

Wow. Is it my hair? Is it my posture? What is it about me that looks so much older? (Yup, all these thoughts flashed through my mind in a nanosecond.)

“Ma’am?!” (He was getting impatient now.) “How can I help you?”

So, I sighed. And took a step forward in line—both literally, and metaphorically.

Because somehow I’d moved up a notch.

I was officially middle aged.

And for a moment, that feeling my clients talk about so often flashed into my mind:

‘I feel invisible. And irrelevant.’

Now, I’m okay sharing this with you because I know you feel the same.

When?

Every time you look in the mirror, second guess your dress choice—and that inner critic screams ‘you’re way too old for that!’

Every time you glance down at your stretch marks, and pull that coverup over your bikini…

Every time you walk past a construction site—and don’t get wolf-whistled.

(C’mon… admit it! And yes, the feminist in me hated it too when I was younger.)

But all this is no surprise, because our youth obsessed society conditions us to believe that our relevance is attached to how attractive we are —

Or how much attention we get from men.

But here’s the thing…

While that may be one reason, to pin it all on this is to do ourselves a disservice. Because irrelevance in midlife is about so much more than mere attractiveness…

And in fact, after a decade of hearing my clients agonize over this, I can tell you it comes down to not 1, but 3 universal truths (and my own personal spin on it…)

So, let’s start from the top…

1. Our Youth Obsessed Culture

Washed up. Dried out. And my own personal favorite, ‘spinster.’

Yikes. Over the years there have been some damn offensive terms for a woman of a certain age (especially if she’d never been married).

And although those terms are outdated now, you could argue they’ve been replaced by something else—a youth obsessed culture that tells us we have so much less to give physically or sexually…

Our social media feeds are full of makeup, hair extensions, and tight dewy skin. Lunch hour ‘botox-breaks’ are the norm. Younger women snap at the heels of our career…

Whoa. It’s no surprise that many of us still think our relevance is defined by how attractive men find us.

Especially when you wake up and realize…

2. You Don’t Feel ‘Middle Aged’

Just like my bagel-boy example above, the truth is middle age creeps up on us—then slaps us in the face with a jar of Pond’s cold cream.

My point? It feels like only last week I was a ‘miss’—and now I’m a ‘Ma’am.’ (And an ex-runner turned Peloton obsessive, with two hip replacements to boot.)

WTAF?

Now, however middle-aged is ‘supposed’ to feel, I’m not feeling it. And neither is anyone around me…

(Heck, even Carrie Bradshaw and co are struggling.)

3. Your Life is Changing Up

Children leaving home, going to college and getting married…

Parents aging—and needing so much more from us…

Technology, AI and feeling like we can’t keep up…

Good and bad, wherever we look, the world—and our lives—are changing.

And when you throw menopause into the mix, well, you could say the very definition of midlife is ‘change.’

Physically and mentally, midlife throws so much more at us than we bargained for…

And that brings me to bonus point number 4, or my own personal take on this…

Your Way Forward Has Disappeared. And There Is No Roadmap…

Here’s the deal: most of us have spent our lives putting others first. We’ve been the perfect wife, mother or daughter for so long…

We’ve been to college, raised families, and had successful careers.

In fact, we’ve been spoon fed since day one what we should and shouldn’t be doing, how we can excel, how we should operate as women. And I strongly believe us Gen-Xers, the late baby boomers have had the worst of it.

In short? We’ve had many, many decades of putting ourselves in a box of what everyone else should expect us to do.

We’ve never tapped into our true, authentic self. We’ve never found out what our preferences might actually be. (Or we abandoned them for family and work.)

We’ve played nice and not ruffled any feathers.

And as a result? When our children leave home, or career changes up, we feel tired and irrelevant…

Our purpose has vanished…

And we find ourselves asking…

“Who am I anyway?”

Maybe this resonates?

Well, if it does, know this, you are definitely not alone. (In fact, I can’t tell you how many clients come to me with those exact same feelings.)

But here’s the deal: it doesn’t have to be that way. And it’s never too late to flip the script on this.

The Secret? Learn How To Invest in Yourself in Midlife

Now, don’t get me wrong. This isn’t easy when you’ve spent a lifetime thinking about the wants, needs and preferences of others…

But this is your time now.

And you must take these steps. Because every single woman I know who overcomes her feelings of irrelevance is invested in her own self development—they focus on their personal growth, they work out what their interests might be, they take up new hobbies.

They refuse to buy into our youth obsessed culture—because they know it’s just one narrative. Online, they follow women who inspire them, and light them up. They embrace an Experimental Mindset.

They know their world is there to be shaped, and they refuse to give in…

And second? They stay connected. They join clubs, and move amongst people who see them for what they truly are. They feel seen, heard, and relevant.

In fact, this is the exact reason I don’t feel irrelevant. (Well, at least until some young server dares to call me ‘Ma’am.’ 😉

Seriously now. I’ve done the legwork, I have exposure to so many tools to help me, and I’m lucky to be in this industry.

And the reason I don’t have that piece is because I’ve built a very strong sense of self.

I know who I am.

And I’m here to help you feel the same.

Holly

P.S. If you’re reading this thinking, ‘but Holly, I’ve no idea what my own preferences and needs, wants and desires might be!’ My 10 Question Toolkit is a great place to start.

Struggling with change?

by Holly Boxenhorn | Aug 2, 2023 | Blog

From Menopause To Bereavement, The 4-Step Process To Manage Change In Midlife

‘The only constant in life is change.’

So said Heraclitus. (Smart man, who summed up in one sentence the dichotomy of being a woman in midlife.)

I joke of course… But the truth is, midlife is a HUGE time of change for women. Not only, with menopause, when our bodies are going through the biggest physical change since puberty, but we’re likely to be faced with a barrage of change in our everyday lives—be it children flying the nest, aging parents, changing careers, retiring or downsizing our homes.

But while some people absolutely love change and thrive on everything it means for their lives, some can barely cope and survive it…

And others still will do everything possible to avoid it.

Most of us recognize that change is inevitable, but what happens when we’re so resistant to it, we fail to see it as a positive?

Because living in the past, or being unwilling to progress can have a serious impact on our professional and personal lives.

Well, during my iPEC training to become certified as a professional life coach, I learned an incredible technique that forms the foundation of all my coaching with clients—and now I’m sharing it with you too. And it’s known as The Cycle of Change.

What Does The Cycle of Change Mean For You?

This technique can help you normalize change, ride its waves and help you see change as an essential part of life.

Because here’s the thing…

When you hit your 40’s, 50’s and 60’s, in any facet of your life, be it relationships or health—you’re probably tackling the cycle of change.

Plus—just like dealing with any hand life throws at you—this strategy relates the changes we experience to a game of cards.

So, here’s how it works:

Phase 1: Shuffle

Change by its very nature is often unexpected. Or, our reaction to change can take us by surprise. (The unexpected death or illness of a loved one for example. Even children leaving for college—no matter how prepared you might be, that feeling of an empty home can cut you to the quick.)

Well, the ‘Shuffle’ is a period of detachment from what was not working or what has been completed. It’s a phase to ‘time-out,’ emotionally heal and reflect, or search for new directions.

Very often being in the Shuffle is associated with a fear of the unknown—but networking, exploring and taking action can help you to see a way through.

So, here I would encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself: what aspects of your life are in the Shuffle? Which call for a new beginning?

Phase 2: Deal

The Deal uses all the exploration and reflection you completed in the Shuffle, and helps you to take optimistic action—and move you onto the next step.

If you’re in this phase you may feel excitement and anticipation. You’ll look for clarity and support. Your energy is high, despite any fear of failure you may feel.

Perhaps, for example, your career is moving in a new direction? You’re pitching to podcasts, and building your audience. You have your head above water and you’re in full-flow mode.

Phase 3: Play The Game

Now, you’re implementing your plan. You get on that podcast, start that new hobby, or buy that new house.

In short? You’re all in.

But, while this stage is associated with success, it can also be the setting for disappointments, setbacks, and new challenges.

You may think: “What do I do next?” or “How can I find the time to do all of this?” And depending on the outcome, you might fear failure, or have a deep sense of peace and purpose…

But… that’s life! You’re taking action, and learning from mistakes. You’re learning to embrace change, and all that goes with it.

Phase 4: Toss In

In this world, all things come to an end. Sometimes things end with a ‘failure’ and other times with a ‘success.’ Either way, people are rarely ready for the cycle to end, whether it’s the end of a job, a relationship, or any aspect of a goal or project.

If you’re in this part of the cycle, you’re usually unhappy and unsure of the future. You might turn inward, keep to yourself, and think, why me?

‘I can’t just deal with this right now.’

Now, if you find yourself in this phase, it’s important to try to move yourself forward, get ready for the next hand, and shuffle those cards to start over.

Questions To Help You Complete the Cycle of Change

If you find it difficult to pinpoint where in your life you might be experiencing the most change, or identifying where on the Cycle you fall, these questions have been designed to help you:

What are the most important insights for you from the Cycle of Change?
How might you integrate this into a problem, challenge, or conflict you (or someone in your life) is experiencing in your work or personal life right now?
Read back through the phases, and identify where you fall. Name it.

(Important to remember: you may be on different phases of the Cycle of Change in different aspects of your life. For example, your relationships may be thriving, but you’re suffering with physical changes due to menopause, or a recent health diagnosis.)

Now, ask yourself: what do you need to do in order to move forward?

(Note: for the last phase ‘Toss In,’ an entire project or relationship doesn’t have to be over, only an aspect of it.)

Finally, consider the individuals or loved ones you wish to lead, inspire, or motivate in your life. How can the Cycle of Change assist you with any challenges or conflicts you might have with these people—and how can you shift your collective energy to help them?

Yes, it may be true that ‘the only constant in life is change—but with the help of these 4 phases, change does not need to be something to fear…

Instead, it can be something to be embraced.

Rooting for you,