The Myth Of Having It All

The Myth Of Having It All

by | Mar 3, 2022 | Blog

Hey ladies, remember these…?

Those delightfully damaging Enjoli advertisements from the ‘80s?

*Gulp.* (Imagine that making the Superbowl break nowadays?!)

That’s right. As Gen X-ers we REALLY were spoon fed that we could ‘have it all.’ The children. The career. The husband…

And of course we’d ‘never NEVER let him forget he’s a man.’

Yikes.

The thing is, whether it was our well intentioned mothers cheering us on — from a generation where women’s rights were little more than a novelty — or the subliminal craziness of ads like these popping up every 30 minutes…

Where has this internal dialogue left us?

>> Burnt out

>> Exhausted

>> Leaving our own wellbeing limping in last place

And deep down you know that’s not serving anybody…

So, this month I’m examining the psychology behind letting our purses (and our minds) constantly overflow with this baggage…

I’m looking at why we ALL fall into one of 2 camps when it comes to aspiring for more in our lives…

AND why we’re all still suffering from a bad case of comparisonitis. (And yes, what the heck we can do about it!)

So ladies, let’s dive in!

You may have heard of Tal Ben-Shahar? He’s a leading light in the world of positive psychology and one of my absolute heroes…

Tal’s the author of 3 books including Happier, and taught the largest class in Harvard’s history: ‘Positive Psychology 101.’ He also founded the HSA (Happiness Studies Academy) where I studied for over a year — gaining coaching certification in the science behind happiness.

Tal believes there are 2 distinct forms of perfectionism:

  1. The ‘Perfectionist.’ This individual who’s gotta be SO on point they’re suffering from anxiety, depression — even addictions.
  2. The ‘Optimalist.’ A healthy, striving individual who uses high standards to fuel their growth.

And here’s the big difference: the Perfectionist fails to embrace reality. They’ll work 16 hours a day… AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect parent/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

BUT, they’re failing to embrace the constraints of reality. They simply can’t do all those things. And when they inevitably fall short of their own expectations, they beat themselves up and… it all comes crashing down. Perfectionism for them, has become a great source of misery.

On the flip side, the Optimalist has equally high standards. But they rub their vision up against reality. They aspire to be their best — within reason. They understand there are only so many hours in the day, and healthily construct an OPTIMAL life within these boundaries.

So, be honest now. Which one are you?

If you’ve ever felt exhausted or burnt out, I think you’ll agree unhealthy perfectionist tendencies come with some serious consequences…

But, the truth is, decades on from the Enjoli woman, we’re now a helluva lot wiser…

And we are DONE playing by the rules that no longer serve us. 

So, if we’ve been dealt a bad dose of the unhealthy perfectionist syndrome (as I call it) how can we still hold to a strong commitment AND evolve into the best version of ourselves? How can we embrace the constraints of reality just a little more today?

In other words, how can we move our mindset from Perfectionist to Optimalist?

Well, we can start by remembering ladies, life is not about perfection —

Progress, yes.

We can have it all. Just not all at once. 

Be gentle on yourself. Remember, frying that bacon up in a pan after a hard day at work for your man is probably in your DNA! It’s gonna take a little rewiring to let that past conditioning go.

But, now you’re aware of the difference. Which means you can actively bring your best self forward…

So, next time you feel the pang of perfectionism, be realistic. Look at life through a different lens — and flip that script from Perfectionist to Optimalist.

XO

Holly

P.S. If you’re a recovering perfectionist (and let’s face it, who isn’t?) how does it manifest in your life? When do you feel the wheels coming off? Hit me back and let’s talk about it.

P.P.S. And if you want to read more about this topic Ben-Shahar’s book ‘Pursuit of Perfect’ is an ahem, perfect place to start.

You Are Not Alone

You Are Not Alone

by | Jul 1, 2019 | Blog

The Negativity Bias

Like it or not we all have a negativity bias. You’re not the only one focusing on what can go wrong verses what can go right when presented with a new opportunity. Or fixating on that one bit of critical feedback amongst all the positive received. We’ve all been there before, dwelling on a mishap, argument,  an error we made despite having otherwise a seemingly good day. 

Thanks to our ancestors, we are all hard wired to give greater weight to our negative experiences instead of positive. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s not all our fault, we inherited the genes that predispose us to give special attention to the negative aspects in our lives. Being highly attuned to worst case scenarios is how, in pre-historic times, humans survived natural threats. But let’s face it, the chances of us running into a saber-tooth tiger on the way home from work nowadays is highly unlikely, the time has come to break free from this limiting human default robbing us of greater happiness and success.

Studies prove we can retrain our brains 

 Here’s how we begin defeating the negativity bias….

1.Awareness- Just by simply being mindful of the degree to which our brain is inclined to focus on the negative aspects of things is the first step. Becoming aware of our negative self-talk and thoughts allows us to separate ourselves from them, to challenge and even eliminate them.

2.  Relish Positive Experiences- Researchers have learned that negative experiences are perceived more easily and quickly into our long term memory. Whereas, the positive require a dozen or more seconds to be held in our awareness before it transferred from short term to long-term memory. Taking the time to relish in those  good things that happened throughout our day reinforces positive patterns in our brain. Our brain then learns from these experiences, building new neural pathways, researchers call neuroplasticity, helping keep our brains attuned to positivity.

3.  Crowd Out Negative Thoughts- Do whatever it takes, have an arsenal of go to practices to drown out the negativity. Here’s just a few I use daily…positive mantras affirmations, and quotes, gratitude journal, mediation, be more selective when I listen to the news, workout (kicks up those endorphins), practice the skill of reframing challenges and negative self-talk, seek a glass is half full mentality, surround myself with positive people, get outside as much as possible, build in simple pleasures throughout my the day like nuzzling with my dog, eating a favorite food, getting a manicure, watching a funny, feel good show that makes me laugh or warms my heart. Of course, it’s going to vary for everyone but the objective here is lessen the pull towards the negativity bias in order to gradually rewire our brains for happiness.

 As they say in the neuropsychology field “neurons that fire together wire together”, each time we consciously decide to take in the good will make a difference and over time these little differences will add up retraining our brains to embrace positivity and overcome the negativity bias.

Wishing You Always The Best Of Success

-Holly-