3 Ways To Kick Your Inner Critic To The Curb…

3 Ways To Kick Your Inner Critic To The Curb…

by | Feb 8, 2023 | Blog

Gremlins + Bratz Dolls

Growing up, I never felt smart enough.

Next to my high achieving sisters everything for me was just that little bit harder… 

(And of course being dyslexic didn’t exactly help.)

Later, as a young, ambitious freshman enrolled at Emerson College my confidence took another knock when my heavy Noo Yawk accent and I were laughed out of the studio: ‘you sound like a cartoon character!’

… And my hopes of being a Broadcast Journalist were squashed.

Now, all that ultimately led to my becoming a qualified therapist and coach—and my life infinitely changed for the better. 

BUT… 

Every so often that feeling of inadequacy rears its ugly head—and I have moments of crippling self-doubt. 

Maybe you can relate? 

>> ‘You’re just not good enough…’ 

>> ‘Who are you kidding? At this stage of life?! You’re way too old…’ 

>> ‘No-one’s really interested in anything I have to say.’ 

Yup, I’ll bet that good ol’ Inner Critic just loves to whisper its sweet nothings in your ear—shaking your confidence and making you feel… irrelevant. 

Stronger than those 4 other energy blocks (Outer Blocks, Limiting Beliefs, Disempowering Assumptions or False Interpretations) our Inner Critic is mighty hard to silence.

It’s insidious…

It’s instinctual… 

And it runs a helluva lot deeper than the others. 

In fact, author and revolutionary thinker Lou Tice gave it a name—and put it far better than I ever could:

The Gremlin

 I am Fear

I am the menace that lurks in the paths of life, never visible

to the eye but sharply felt in the heart.

I am the father of despair, the brother of procrastination, the enemy of progress, the tool of tyranny.

Born of ignorance and nursed on misguided thought, I have

darkened more hopes, stifled more ambitions, shattered more ideals and prevented more accomplishments than history could record.

Like the changing chameleon, I assume many disguises.

I masquerade as caution

I am sometimes known as doubt or worry.

But whatever I’m called, I am still fear, the obstacle of achievement.

I know no master but one; its name is Understanding.

I have no power but what the human mind gives me, and I 

vanish completely when the light of 

Understanding reveals the facts as they are for I am

really nothing.

So, what can you do to deal with your Inner Critic (or banish your Gremlin, as Lou Tice called it) from your life, once and for all?

Well, the first thing to remember is: don’t try to suppress your Inner Critic. Ignoring it is not the same as dealing with it (and it just gives it permission to pop up at the most challenging moments in your life.)

Instead, you need to recognize it, learn from it, and leave your Inner Critic behind. 

And here are 3 ways I help my clients do just that:

  • Identify Your Inner Critic/Gremlin. 

Give it a name (but don’t choose the name of someone you know). Then, draw, create, or find a representation of it. 

And why does this work? 

Well, once you can see your Inner Critic as separate to yourself, you’ll have an ability to disregard it—and not allow it to own you.

  • Record Your Inner Critic In Real Time. 

Try not to push it away. Instead, over a week or two, listen to it and ask yourself: ‘If your thoughts had words, what would they be saying?’

Identify those common words, or themes. Do any come up repeatedly? Do they sound like someone from your past who was critical of you?

  • Face Up To Your Inner Critic.

And ask yourself… 

‘How would your success be different if your Inner Critic was quietened?’ *

‘What will you do next time _____ shows up for you?’

* Remember, this is not the same as suppressing your Inner Critic! No, this asks how life would be different, if you could calmly recognize its voice—and had the control to leave it behind. 

Now, you may find, these exercises are not easy to do on your own. For many of my clients, it takes weeks of soul searching and real deep inner-work to get a strong sense of who your Inner Critic is—before you can even think about outing it. 

Because here’s the truth… 

Many of us don’t even realize when our Inner Critic takes over—or how damaging it may be to live with this voice, that slowly picks us apart. 

It’s become instinctual. 

But, with time and care, the exercises above WILL help you break those destructive patterns of behavior…

Kick your Inner Critic to the curb….

And regain your control over your thoughts—and this next glorious stage of life.

XO 

Holly

P.S. Remember Rebecca? Yep, she’s my Inner Critic, my Gremlin. If you’d like to see how I deal with her—and dig even deeper into ‘outing’ your Inner Critic in the process—you can read about her here. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Don’t F* with us!

    Don’t F* with us!

    by | Jul 1, 2022 | Blog

    Independence Day??

    Okay ladies, so this month’s blog is a little different. 

    Whether in my work—or convos we’ve had in person—I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about the fallout for us Gen X women…

    >> Mothers who didn’t have much. Who pushed us to achieve and accomplish—all the while, painting their nails to the theme tune of Dallas…

    >> Those Enjoli ads, who taught us to fry up his bacon and ‘never forget he’s a man…’ 

    We were taught to take it to excess. Prove ourselves. You can have it all. Crazy, it was exhausting.

    But one thing’s for sure…whether picketing for women’s rights—or picking up our daughters from school—we were damn sure (as Bob Dylan would say) the times, they were a’changing.

    Well, how f*cking wrong I was… 

    Fast forward 40 years and where are we exactly? 

    In the wake of the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe vs Wade, a seismic shift has ripped through America. I feel a little like Alice stepping through her Looking Glass… we’ve tumbled through 50 years of history—and woken up, back in shackles.

    My mother’s generation fought for us in a man’s world. And sure, I work in the helping profession—an undoubtedly female dominated industry—but I’ve heard crazy ass stories from women of the things men have said and done as they climbed the corporate ladder. 

    Because, honestly? Women’s rights had changed, but cast your mind back… On the ground, day-to-day what did that really mean? Think about the level of objectification we’d endured—and overcome. 

    And so, the pendulum changed course. #MeToo was huge. A landmark that uncovered sexual assaults in so many organizations across America. Now we were gaining some traction—and they’d never let us get away with that.

    Like jackals these ignorant conservative men, these religious supremacists, kept to the shadows. They hide where they can—and pounce in the dark, with one collective thought: We’re gonna take back control. 

    And pulled out the big guns…

    So, Roe vs Wade? It’s about power. Control. And crushing our human spirit.

    BUT…

    Here’s what I know to be true…

    This is an awakening for women. We won’t just sit down and shut up. We are not going to lay down and take it. 

    You’ve unearthed something within us.  

    And here’s my message to this disgusting sociopathic, demographic of men: Do not fuck with us. You are not going to change us. We are on fire—and our flame will not be put out.

    Because…  we’re more rallied, educated and equipped than ever before. And how do I know this to be true? I work with these women everyday! Powerful women who make a big difference everywhere they go—whether it’s a Fortune 500, or as the matriarch of their families.

    We’re still climbing that ladder—we’re showing our place more than ever— and we’re ready to put a stake in the ground, step over that line and say, enough is enough.

    As I write this, 7 states in America have blocked abortion, with a further 21 threatening, or likely to impose severe restrictions. 

    Sure like you, I may be past childbearing age, but ladies, let’s not kid ourselves that this doesn’t affect us. And nor is this about being white and wealthy enough to drive our daughters across state for an abortion… 

    It’s about a medieval reduction of a woman to the contents of her womb. The denial of autonomy over our own self.

    So, please… don’t give me the Fourth of July. 

    ‘Independence’ Day. It’s unnerving. 

    Ask yourself, is it a good time to be an American—in this divided country? It’s as if we were in Civil War, each state operating independently of the others. We’re not united at all, we’re an embarrassment.

    Not just going backwards, we’re in a freefall. 

    Our divisions have carved up this ‘land of the free’. All those underground, fueled by extremism and bigotry, have clawed their way to the top—for now. 

    Because we will not be silenced. 

    So, how do you plan to spend your weekend? I’d love to know. I can’t be the only one not popping champagne, wincing at the fireworks, chilling in the backyard with a good book. 

    In over 50 years I have never felt this way before…

    And that’s why I’m writing this call to arms. 

    Because, ladies, we’ve seen a lot and we’ve gotten our rights. We’ve found our voices. Every decade we’ve gotten stronger, and we will not be silenced. 

    This is an unearthing.

    And THAT will never change. 

    XO

    Holly

    P.S. How does Wade vs Roe affect you? Are you enraged? In tears? Choosing not to think about it? Know this: here is a safe space for all your pain and frustrations. Please hit reply—I’ll always respond. 

    P.P.S. If you’re compelled to act, or find out more on the supreme court’s decision and the implications it has for ALL of us, here are some resources to get you started: 

    Give/Donate: Local Abortion Funds in every state

    https://donations4abortion.com

    Act: Tell Joe Biden: Open Abortion Clinics on Federal Lands

    https://act.ocasiocortez.com/sign/abortion-clinics/

    Listen (podcast)

    https://crooked.com/podcast-series/strict-scrutiny/

     

     

    The Myth Of Having It All

    The Myth Of Having It All

    by | Mar 3, 2022 | Blog

    Hey ladies, remember these…?

    Those delightfully damaging Enjoli advertisements from the ‘80s?

    *Gulp.* (Imagine that making the Superbowl break nowadays?!)

    That’s right. As Gen X-ers we REALLY were spoon fed that we could ‘have it all.’ The children. The career. The husband…

    And of course we’d ‘never NEVER let him forget he’s a man.’

    Yikes.

    The thing is, whether it was our well intentioned mothers cheering us on — from a generation where women’s rights were little more than a novelty — or the subliminal craziness of ads like these popping up every 30 minutes…

    Where has this internal dialogue left us?

    >> Burnt out

    >> Exhausted

    >> Leaving our own wellbeing limping in last place

    And deep down you know that’s not serving anybody…

    So, this month I’m examining the psychology behind letting our purses (and our minds) constantly overflow with this baggage…

    I’m looking at why we ALL fall into one of 2 camps when it comes to aspiring for more in our lives…

    AND why we’re all still suffering from a bad case of comparisonitis. (And yes, what the heck we can do about it!)

    So ladies, let’s dive in!

    You may have heard of Tal Ben-Shahar? He’s a leading light in the world of positive psychology and one of my absolute heroes…

    Tal’s the author of 3 books including Happier, and taught the largest class in Harvard’s history: ‘Positive Psychology 101.’ He also founded the HSA (Happiness Studies Academy) where I studied for over a year — gaining coaching certification in the science behind happiness.

    Tal believes there are 2 distinct forms of perfectionism:

    1. The ‘Perfectionist.’ This individual who’s gotta be SO on point they’re suffering from anxiety, depression — even addictions.
    2. The ‘Optimalist.’ A healthy, striving individual who uses high standards to fuel their growth.

    And here’s the big difference: the Perfectionist fails to embrace reality. They’ll work 16 hours a day… AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect parent/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

    BUT, they’re failing to embrace the constraints of reality. They simply can’t do all those things. And when they inevitably fall short of their own expectations, they beat themselves up and… it all comes crashing down. Perfectionism for them, has become a great source of misery.

    On the flip side, the Optimalist has equally high standards. But they rub their vision up against reality. They aspire to be their best — within reason. They understand there are only so many hours in the day, and healthily construct an OPTIMAL life within these boundaries.

    So, be honest now. Which one are you?

    If you’ve ever felt exhausted or burnt out, I think you’ll agree unhealthy perfectionist tendencies come with some serious consequences…

    But, the truth is, decades on from the Enjoli woman, we’re now a helluva lot wiser…

    And we are DONE playing by the rules that no longer serve us. 

    So, if we’ve been dealt a bad dose of the unhealthy perfectionist syndrome (as I call it) how can we still hold to a strong commitment AND evolve into the best version of ourselves? How can we embrace the constraints of reality just a little more today?

    In other words, how can we move our mindset from Perfectionist to Optimalist?

    Well, we can start by remembering ladies, life is not about perfection —

    Progress, yes.

    We can have it all. Just not all at once. 

    Be gentle on yourself. Remember, frying that bacon up in a pan after a hard day at work for your man is probably in your DNA! It’s gonna take a little rewiring to let that past conditioning go.

    But, now you’re aware of the difference. Which means you can actively bring your best self forward…

    So, next time you feel the pang of perfectionism, be realistic. Look at life through a different lens — and flip that script from Perfectionist to Optimalist.

    XO

    Holly

    P.S. If you’re a recovering perfectionist (and let’s face it, who isn’t?) how does it manifest in your life? When do you feel the wheels coming off? Hit me back and let’s talk about it.

    P.P.S. And if you want to read more about this topic Ben-Shahar’s book ‘Pursuit of Perfect’ is an ahem, perfect place to start.

    Failing Is The New Black

    Failing Is The New Black

    by | Nov 1, 2019 | Blog

    Learn To Fail Or Fail To Learn

    Here I was thinking I had such a catchy title, “Failing Is The New Black”, but when I googled it, literally tons of articles with the same or similar title came up. Thus, my point…failing is in! As much as it hurts to fail, it is an important part of life. In fact, it’s an  absolute must if you want to be successful. Simply said, failure teaches us in ways success cannot. If you’re not failing you’re likely not growing. The time has come to starting failing more!

    If you really want to understand what it takes to succeed, bottom-line you need to rethink your relationship with failure and start embracing it more. Because as anyone who’s achieved something great will tell you, the road to success, with very few exceptions, is anything but a straight line. Though we all have been conditioned since a young age to equate failing with weakness there now is another school of thought which teaches that the path to success goes through failure, and that it is almost necessary to stumble and fall on your path to getting what you want. So here are some reasons that you shouldn’t fear failure, but rather embrace it.

    1. Failure helps you refine your process -As Thomas Edison said it best, “I have not failed I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Use your failures as stepping-stones to evolve to the next best version of yourself, becoming increasingly more equipped and skilled, so you get it better the next time.

    2. Failure makes you resilient -Every time we overcome something that is challenging to us but where we ultimately prevail, we build our resilience a little bit more. As a result we become more strong, increasing our ability to then withstand even greater challenges. 

    3. Failure is inevitable, perfection is impossible –If you research the stories of the most successful people of our time, you’ll find they, too, have failed. It was failure that produced the success stories of people like Michael Jordon, Steve Jobs, Oprah Winfrey, and Walt Disney, just to name a few. It’s all apart of the process, no one goes from 0 to 100 overnight.

    4. Failure helps you reach your potential – Extraordinary things will only happen as a result of extraordinary efforts. Embracing failure rather than avoiding it creates the conditions we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zones. Otherwise, we will be more inclined to only work within them. To bring out the best in us-reach our greater potential-we must have a “no fear” attitude towards failure, allowing us to detach from the outcomes, knowing regardless of what comes, success is already in the works just by the sheer nature of trying.

    Let’s face it, the sweetest victories are the ones that are the most difficult. When things come too easily, we don’t appreciate our achievements. You deserve to be proud of what you’ve done, and unfortunately that pride comes in no small part from the knowledge that you’ve overcome challenges and failures to arrive there. Don’t be afraid to fail, be afraid of not trying!

    Wishing You the Very Best Of Success

    -Holly-

     

    Summer Series-Part V

    Summer Series-Part V

    by | Aug 17, 2017 | Blog

    What’s Holding You Back?

    August 20th 2017 Insights

    Concluding the summer series to Keys To Success Insights, we’ll end with exploring the last of the Big 4 energy blocks. Remember, as I have been sharing… when we are not achieving or are having limited success with what it is we want in and for our lives, it’s most likely a result of one of the four energy blocks that’s keeping us stuck. In the past few newsletters, we looked at limiting beliefs – things that you accept about life, about yourself, about your world, or about the people in it, that limit you in some way; assumptions – expectations that, because something has happened in the past, it will happen again; and interpretations – opinions and judgments that you create about an event, situation, person, or experience and believe to be true. It is now time to examine the last, but certainly not the least, of the big four energy blocks. The final block we’ll talk about – the gremlin – is the most difficult to overcome, because it’s the most personal and holds the most energy. (more…)