How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

Three Simple Steps To Being Your Own BFF

 

Let me be honest with you. For 2, 3 months last year — I was in the zone… 

My kids were in college doing their thing. I could finally give everything to my career, to my clients. Workwise, it was all coming together. 

You know that feeling, right? ‘This is great. This is really f*cking great.’

And as you know from last month’s post I’m a recovering perfectionist…

Well, let’s FF a little… through Thanksgiving and Spring break. 

My semi-non-independent kids landed on the mat. My mother’s alzheimer’s diagnosis began seeping through the cracks — 

Think wandering lost in a neighborhood she no longer recognizes. Panicked calls that scare me out of my mind…

And suddenly all the boundaries that were working so well for me, the mojo I’d rediscovered — BOOM. 

Gone.

EVERYTHING sucked out of me.

And this got me thinking — what do YOU do, or say to yourself when the $h*t hits the fan? When you realize, between empty nesting and aging parents, you’re at the height of your own midlife angst? 

Don’t you ever feel like it’s time to give yourself a break? Like, you’re just being a little too hard on yourself? 

I know I do.

(And as a coach, I really should know better…)

It’s a universal truth. Because, let’s face it ladies, we’re great at dishing out compassion for everyone else, but for ourselves? 

We’re our own worst critics. 

So, this month we’re turning our attention to the science of self-compassion. How to deal with setbacks, failures, bumps and bruises — because when you put yourself out there, that’s what’s gonna happen.  

But first, let’s expand on last month’s post for a moment. [Missed it? You can read it here.] If you’re trying your damnedest to flip that script from perfectionist to optimalist — and finding it’s not quite that easy — I hear you. 

Rerouting toxic thinking (when it’s been your default perfectionist mechanism for so long) is super difficult… 

And we make it DOUBLY harder by believing self-compassion is a self-indulgent weakness that leads to complacency or laziness…

ABSOLUTELY. NOT. TRUE.

The real truth? The less we sugarcoat, and honor our feelings, the more we’ll strategically and accurately move forward in life. After all, if you keep minimizing your emotions, how can you possibly resolve them?  

And THIS is where the science of self-compassion is a game-changer. 

So let’s dive right in —

Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism. Especially women. 

And this in turn breaks down our wellbeing. 

Conversely, self-compassion builds us back up. It’s a source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. 

And it all boils down to 3 main practices: 

  1. Self Kindness. Yes, it’s as simple as it sounds. All this means is when you feel yourself slipping into toxic ruminating thinking, talk to yourself as you would a dear friend (or child). Be kind to yourself! 

(I mean come on, would we ever tell our child, husband or friend: just give it up. You should not even bother going to college. Y’know what? You suck at football. Forget it.)

Yet, that inner voice does it to ourselves all the time…

2. Embrace what Kristen calls ‘Common Humanity.’ You’re not alone. We ALL experience challenging times. If you’re anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, feeling less — you’re human. The only people who don’t experience painful emotions are psychopaths (or dead people) so remind yourself — it’s okay not to feel okay. (In fact it’s very normal.)

And if you’re feeling this way — let me validate the hell out of you. Remind you that you have the fortitude to push through this. Heck, you deserve to push through this… 

3. Take a balanced approach to negative emotions, so your feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. In short, notice the struggle that’s arising. Acknowledge and strive to understand it. And better support yourself to move forward. 

Don’t allow yourself to get stuck, brooding in chaos… 

Yes, it sucks that my mother has alzheimers. Unimaginably. And I’ll honor that at my core — but I’ve got to remember there’s no point in ruminating on it. That is never going to serve me.  

So, next time you hear the voice of self-criticism, get smart AND strategic. 

How? Start by rubbing your goals and aspirations up against reality… 

For me this means having the support to STOP being superwoman. Sharing the struggle with my girlfriends or husband. Being a cheerleader for myself — remembering to talk to myself as I would a friend or a client…

‘Holly, this is super hard. But you can do this.’ 

Because, here’s the deal. Anyone who’s achieved greatness will tell you the road to success and wellbeing is anything but easy…

And whether you’re actively moving from perfectionist to optimialist (or simply staying committed to the best version of yourself) flipping that script from self-criticism to self-compassion will help you navigate the toughest times. 

Ladies, it’s time to stop getting in your way and become your own biggest cheerleader.  Martyrdom is getting old. 

XO 

Holly 

P.S. What self-critical narratives have you been telling yourself — and how are you planning to flip that script? I’d love to support you through this journey… hit reply and let me know.

 

 

Summer Series-Part V

Summer Series-Part V

What’s Holding You Back?

August 20th 2017 Insights

Concluding the summer series to Keys To Success Insights, we’ll end with exploring the last of the Big 4 energy blocks. Remember, as I have been sharing… when we are not achieving or are having limited success with what it is we want in and for our lives, it’s most likely a result of one of the four energy blocks that’s keeping us stuck. In the past few newsletters, we looked at limiting beliefs – things that you accept about life, about yourself, about your world, or about the people in it, that limit you in some way; assumptions – expectations that, because something has happened in the past, it will happen again; and interpretations – opinions and judgments that you create about an event, situation, person, or experience and believe to be true. It is now time to examine the last, but certainly not the least, of the big four energy blocks. The final block we’ll talk about – the gremlin – is the most difficult to overcome, because it’s the most personal and holds the most energy. (more…)

Getting Clear From the Inside Out

Getting Clear From the Inside Out

 

Got Baggage?

Get Clear From the Inside Out

April 2014 Insights

Let’s face it no matter how “perfect” your upbringing may have been or how fortunate your life is turning out, we all have some level of “emotional baggage”. I use the term emotional baggage loosely as a means to describe the cumulation of responses to our negative life experiences. It is not the degree of anguish one experiences that is most important but rather how well aware one is of its impact on their current life and how they choose to manage it. (more…)