Time To Clean House??

Time To Clean House??

by | Jun 3, 2022 | Blog

How To Deal With Challenging Relationships 

“I have a ‘friend.” 

She’s combative. Cutting. Once we had commonality but now… She’s the kind of friend that walking away from the party you feel kinda… sober.

Or driving home—you don’t even realize it—but find yourself thinking… ‘Why don’t I feel so great?’

And then it clicks. ‘Ohhh. She was being an asshole.’ 

Hmmm.   

Maybe this resonates with you?

Because truth be told this is a HUGE topic of conversation in my coaching world. And it doesn’t matter whether you’re single or married—Ladies, at our time of life, we’re thinking about cleaning house…

We ALL want to be surrounded by real, authentic human beings who aren’t pretentious, don’t expect us to be Superwoman—but do boost us up…

Yet, we’ve tolerated certain relationships for far too long.

So, what can you do about it? 

Well, there are 5 methods for managing draining relationships. 

(But the truth is, most people retreat to #1…)

  1. Remain a victim to it
  2. Change it
  3. Change perspective of it
  4. Accept it 
  5. Leave it

Let’s unpack these a little…

1. Remain a Victim To The Relationship

In other words, continue to allow this relationship to drain you. This most likely includes a feeling of loss of control, powerlessness, uncontrolled anger, grief and depression. Worst case scenario? It’ll keep draining us till nothing is left.

Ask yourself…

  • What is blocking my willingness to change this relationship?
  • If I’m not willing to change the relationship at this point, what’s my target timeline for re-evaluation?                                                                                               

2. Change The Relationship

Here we recognize that you can take proactive action to change the relationship (or some aspect of it) so that you can remain in it and benefit from it. 

For example, you may find a common point of agreement that enables the relationship to continue—at least at a neutral level—releasing and reconciling differences, developing coping mechanisms, or taking action from higher levels of energy in order to shift the energy of others and yourself.

 Ways you can do this:

  • Resolve/repair conflict 
  • Create opportunities to grow and experience life together
  • Connect with the bigger picture of the relationship

Ask yourself, why is this relationship important? What’s your common ground? And how can you both benefit from being in the relationship?

3. Change Perspective of It

Rather than changing the relationship with actions and new behaviors, a relationship can also be changed through modifying and shifting how we look at it. The bottomline here? Different ‘lenses’ bring different experiences.

Ask yourself, how can you look at this draining and/or challenging relationship with a fresh pair of eyes? 

And consider this…

  • What qualities do you appreciate in the other person—and how can you stay connected to this?
  • How can you see the other person from a new vantage point?
  • How can you experience the relationship from a different position?

*This strategy can also be very effective with past relationships that are still emotionally charged within you, despite the relationship being over or currently non-existent. 

(Think a painful divorce or even a deceased individual. In either case you could be so wracked by pain and guilt that you’re having a hard time moving forward.) 

4.Accept The Relationship

Here, you suspend judgment, stress and burden associated with the relationship. You are accepting it just as it is… and ‘as it is’ is okay. The relationship requires nothing but acceptance of peace for this moment in time.

3 Strategies to Consider:

  • The use of centering techniques
  • Daily mantras 
  • Other self-help techniques to enhance your ability to remain stress free when engaged in this challenging relationship (i.e. physical reminders, knowing your limits, or minimizing duration of time spent alone with the person in question)

The key is to find whatever it takes to help you remain in the relationship—and not feel drained by it. 

5. Leave The Relationship

If you don’t like the relationship and you cannot/will not remain in it…

Or you’ve tried to change the way you look at it (and can’t) then your remaining option is to leave. Or terminate it. Respect the other person, and yourself as human beings and know that sometimes we cannot co-exist. 

There is no judgment necessary. This is not good or bad—it simply is.

Ask yourself…

  • How ready are you to leave?
  • What is your plan to transition out of the relationship?

* If you are less than 100% ready to leave, develop plans to shift your readiness, or reconsider your strategy.

And finally, here’s a simple truth that might help you to visualize…

There are 3 types of friends. The ones you keep in the kitchen, the ones on the front porch, and the ones you keep out on the street. 

So, what’s the difference?

Well, your kitchen is the heart of the house. They’re your nearest and dearest…

Those on the front porch—we’ll keep them at arm’s length. But if nurtured and cultivated, maybe they too could be welcomed with open arms…

And those on the street? We’ll keep it lighthearted. ‘Hey how are you?’ (No need for anything more…)

But why am I telling you this? 

Because if you’re reading this, I’d wager at this point in your life… you’re seeing things differently.

Maybe what once seemed to work for you—isn’t. Perhaps even back then you didn’t realize this wasn’t an ideal relationship, but you just kinda sucked it up…

And now you’re tired of sucking it up.

And finally, how did I resolve my difficult friendship?

I’ve accepted it. I keep her on the street. It’s not gonna get any better than this—that’s not who she is. 

And I use the presence of others as buffers… 

XO

Holly

P.S. Consider taking some time this month to examine your relationships more closely… 

Ask yourself, how do key relationships in your life affect your spirits? Are they raising you up or dragging you down? What can you do to foster ‘healthier’ relationships?

Contact me today for a complimentary session, and together we can strategize on how to maximize ALL your relationships…

How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

by | Apr 1, 2022 | Blog

Three Simple Steps To Being Your Own BFF

 

Let me be honest with you. For 2, 3 months last year — I was in the zone… 

My kids were in college doing their thing. I could finally give everything to my career, to my clients. Workwise, it was all coming together. 

You know that feeling, right? ‘This is great. This is really f*cking great.’

And as you know from last month’s post I’m a recovering perfectionist…

Well, let’s FF a little… through Thanksgiving and Spring break. 

My semi-non-independent kids landed on the mat. My mother’s alzheimer’s diagnosis began seeping through the cracks — 

Think wandering lost in a neighborhood she no longer recognizes. Panicked calls that scare me out of my mind…

And suddenly all the boundaries that were working so well for me, the mojo I’d rediscovered — BOOM. 

Gone.

EVERYTHING sucked out of me.

And this got me thinking — what do YOU do, or say to yourself when the $h*t hits the fan? When you realize, between empty nesting and aging parents, you’re at the height of your own midlife angst? 

Don’t you ever feel like it’s time to give yourself a break? Like, you’re just being a little too hard on yourself? 

I know I do.

(And as a coach, I really should know better…)

It’s a universal truth. Because, let’s face it ladies, we’re great at dishing out compassion for everyone else, but for ourselves? 

We’re our own worst critics. 

So, this month we’re turning our attention to the science of self-compassion. How to deal with setbacks, failures, bumps and bruises — because when you put yourself out there, that’s what’s gonna happen.  

But first, let’s expand on last month’s post for a moment. [Missed it? You can read it here.] If you’re trying your damnedest to flip that script from perfectionist to optimalist — and finding it’s not quite that easy — I hear you. 

Rerouting toxic thinking (when it’s been your default perfectionist mechanism for so long) is super difficult… 

And we make it DOUBLY harder by believing self-compassion is a self-indulgent weakness that leads to complacency or laziness…

ABSOLUTELY. NOT. TRUE.

The real truth? The less we sugarcoat, and honor our feelings, the more we’ll strategically and accurately move forward in life. After all, if you keep minimizing your emotions, how can you possibly resolve them?  

And THIS is where the science of self-compassion is a game-changer. 

So let’s dive right in —

Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism. Especially women. 

And this in turn breaks down our wellbeing. 

Conversely, self-compassion builds us back up. It’s a source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. 

And it all boils down to 3 main practices: 

  1. Self Kindness. Yes, it’s as simple as it sounds. All this means is when you feel yourself slipping into toxic ruminating thinking, talk to yourself as you would a dear friend (or child). Be kind to yourself! 

(I mean come on, would we ever tell our child, husband or friend: just give it up. You should not even bother going to college. Y’know what? You suck at football. Forget it.)

Yet, that inner voice does it to ourselves all the time…

2. Embrace what Kristen calls ‘Common Humanity.’ You’re not alone. We ALL experience challenging times. If you’re anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, feeling less — you’re human. The only people who don’t experience painful emotions are psychopaths (or dead people) so remind yourself — it’s okay not to feel okay. (In fact it’s very normal.)

And if you’re feeling this way — let me validate the hell out of you. Remind you that you have the fortitude to push through this. Heck, you deserve to push through this… 

3. Take a balanced approach to negative emotions, so your feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. In short, notice the struggle that’s arising. Acknowledge and strive to understand it. And better support yourself to move forward. 

Don’t allow yourself to get stuck, brooding in chaos… 

Yes, it sucks that my mother has alzheimers. Unimaginably. And I’ll honor that at my core — but I’ve got to remember there’s no point in ruminating on it. That is never going to serve me.  

So, next time you hear the voice of self-criticism, get smart AND strategic. 

How? Start by rubbing your goals and aspirations up against reality… 

For me this means having the support to STOP being superwoman. Sharing the struggle with my girlfriends or husband. Being a cheerleader for myself — remembering to talk to myself as I would a friend or a client…

‘Holly, this is super hard. But you can do this.’ 

Because, here’s the deal. Anyone who’s achieved greatness will tell you the road to success and wellbeing is anything but easy…

And whether you’re actively moving from perfectionist to optimialist (or simply staying committed to the best version of yourself) flipping that script from self-criticism to self-compassion will help you navigate the toughest times. 

Ladies, it’s time to stop getting in your way and become your own biggest cheerleader.  Martyrdom is getting old. 

XO 

Holly 

P.S. What self-critical narratives have you been telling yourself — and how are you planning to flip that script? I’d love to support you through this journey… hit reply and let me know.