conflict resolution Archives

Don’t F* with us!

by Holly Boxenhorn | Jul 1, 2022 | Blog

Independence Day??

Okay ladies, so this month’s blog is a little different.

Whether in my work—or convos we’ve had in person—I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about the fallout for us Gen X women…

>> Mothers who didn’t have much. Who pushed us to achieve and accomplish—all the while, painting their nails to the theme tune of Dallas…

>> Those Enjoli ads, who taught us to fry up his bacon and ‘never forget he’s a man…’

We were taught to take it to excess. Prove ourselves. You can have it all. Crazy, it was exhausting.

But one thing’s for sure…whether picketing for women’s rights—or picking up our daughters from school—we were damn sure (as Bob Dylan would say) the times, they were a’changing.

Well, how f*cking wrong I was…

Fast forward 40 years and where are we exactly?

In the wake of the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe vs Wade, a seismic shift has ripped through America. I feel a little like Alice stepping through her Looking Glass… we’ve tumbled through 50 years of history—and woken up, back in shackles.

My mother’s generation fought for us in a man’s world. And sure, I work in the helping profession—an undoubtedly female dominated industry—but I’ve heard crazy ass stories from women of the things men have said and done as they climbed the corporate ladder.

Because, honestly? Women’s rights had changed, but cast your mind back… On the ground, day-to-day what did that really mean? Think about the level of objectification we’d endured—and overcome.

And so, the pendulum changed course. #MeToo was huge. A landmark that uncovered sexual assaults in so many organizations across America. Now we were gaining some traction—and they’d never let us get away with that.

Like jackals these ignorant conservative men, these religious supremacists, kept to the shadows. They hide where they can—and pounce in the dark, with one collective thought: We’re gonna take back control.

And pulled out the big guns…

So, Roe vs Wade? It’s about power. Control. And crushing our human spirit.

BUT…

Here’s what I know to be true…

This is an awakening for women. We won’t just sit down and shut up. We are not going to lay down and take it.

You’ve unearthed something within us.

And here’s my message to this disgusting sociopathic, demographic of men: Do not fuck with us. You are not going to change us. We are on fire—and our flame will not be put out.

Because… we’re more rallied, educated and equipped than ever before. And how do I know this to be true? I work with these women everyday! Powerful women who make a big difference everywhere they go—whether it’s a Fortune 500, or as the matriarch of their families.

We’re still climbing that ladder—we’re showing our place more than ever— and we’re ready to put a stake in the ground, step over that line and say, enough is enough.

As I write this, 7 states in America have blocked abortion, with a further 21 threatening, or likely to impose severe restrictions.

Sure like you, I may be past childbearing age, but ladies, let’s not kid ourselves that this doesn’t affect us. And nor is this about being white and wealthy enough to drive our daughters across state for an abortion…

It’s about a medieval reduction of a woman to the contents of her womb. The denial of autonomy over our own self.

So, please… don’t give me the Fourth of July.

‘Independence’ Day. It’s unnerving.

Ask yourself, is it a good time to be an American—in this divided country? It’s as if we were in Civil War, each state operating independently of the others. We’re not united at all, we’re an embarrassment.

Not just going backwards, we’re in a freefall.

Our divisions have carved up this ‘land of the free’. All those underground, fueled by extremism and bigotry, have clawed their way to the top—for now.

Because we will not be silenced.

So, how do you plan to spend your weekend? I’d love to know. I can’t be the only one not popping champagne, wincing at the fireworks, chilling in the backyard with a good book.

In over 50 years I have never felt this way before…

And that’s why I’m writing this call to arms.

Because, ladies, we’ve seen a lot and we’ve gotten our rights. We’ve found our voices. Every decade we’ve gotten stronger, and we will not be silenced.

This is an unearthing.

And THAT will never change.

Holly

P.S. How does Wade vs Roe affect you? Are you enraged? In tears? Choosing not to think about it? Know this: here is a safe space for all your pain and frustrations. Please hit reply—I’ll always respond.

P.P.S. If you’re compelled to act, or find out more on the supreme court’s decision and the implications it has for ALL of us, here are some resources to get you started:

Give/Donate: Local Abortion Funds in every state

https://donations4abortion.com

Act: Tell Joe Biden: Open Abortion Clinics on Federal Lands

https://act.ocasiocortez.com/sign/abortion-clinics/

Listen (podcast)

https://crooked.com/podcast-series/strict-scrutiny/

Time To Clean House??

by Holly Boxenhorn | Jun 3, 2022 | Blog

How To Deal With Challenging Relationships

“I have a ‘friend.”

She’s combative. Cutting. Once we had commonality but now… She’s the kind of friend that walking away from the party you feel kinda… sober.

Or driving home—you don’t even realize it—but find yourself thinking… ‘Why don’t I feel so great?’

And then it clicks. ‘Ohhh. She was being an asshole.’

Hmmm.

Maybe this resonates with you?

Because truth be told this is a HUGE topic of conversation in my coaching world. And it doesn’t matter whether you’re single or married—Ladies, at our time of life, we’re thinking about cleaning house…

We ALL want to be surrounded by real, authentic human beings who aren’t pretentious, don’t expect us to be Superwoman—but do boost us up…

Yet, we’ve tolerated certain relationships for far too long.

So, what can you do about it?

Well, there are 5 methods for managing draining relationships.

(But the truth is, most people retreat to #1…)

Remain a victim to it
Change it
Change perspective of it
Accept it
Leave it

Let’s unpack these a little…

1. Remain a Victim To The Relationship

In other words, continue to allow this relationship to drain you. This most likely includes a feeling of loss of control, powerlessness, uncontrolled anger, grief and depression. Worst case scenario? It’ll keep draining us till nothing is left.

Ask yourself…

What is blocking my willingness to change this relationship?
If I’m not willing to change the relationship at this point, what’s my target timeline for re-evaluation?

2. Change The Relationship

Here we recognize that you can take proactive action to change the relationship (or some aspect of it) so that you can remain in it and benefit from it.

For example, you may find a common point of agreement that enables the relationship to continue—at least at a neutral level—releasing and reconciling differences, developing coping mechanisms, or taking action from higher levels of energy in order to shift the energy of others and yourself.

Ways you can do this:

Resolve/repair conflict
Create opportunities to grow and experience life together
Connect with the bigger picture of the relationship

Ask yourself, why is this relationship important? What’s your common ground? And how can you both benefit from being in the relationship?

3. Change Perspective of It

Rather than changing the relationship with actions and new behaviors, a relationship can also be changed through modifying and shifting how we look at it. The bottomline here? Different ‘lenses’ bring different experiences.

Ask yourself, how can you look at this draining and/or challenging relationship with a fresh pair of eyes?

And consider this…

What qualities do you appreciate in the other person—and how can you stay connected to this?
How can you see the other person from a new vantage point?
How can you experience the relationship from a different position?

*This strategy can also be very effective with past relationships that are still emotionally charged within you, despite the relationship being over or currently non-existent.

(Think a painful divorce or even a deceased individual. In either case you could be so wracked by pain and guilt that you’re having a hard time moving forward.)

4.Accept The Relationship

Here, you suspend judgment, stress and burden associated with the relationship. You are accepting it just as it is… and ‘as it is’ is okay. The relationship requires nothing but acceptance of peace for this moment in time.

3 Strategies to Consider:

The use of centering techniques
Daily mantras
Other self-help techniques to enhance your ability to remain stress free when engaged in this challenging relationship (i.e. physical reminders, knowing your limits, or minimizing duration of time spent alone with the person in question)

The key is to find whatever it takes to help you remain in the relationship—and not feel drained by it.

5. Leave The Relationship

If you don’t like the relationship and you cannot/will not remain in it…

Or you’ve tried to change the way you look at it (and can’t) then your remaining option is to leave. Or terminate it. Respect the other person, and yourself as human beings and know that sometimes we cannot co-exist.

There is no judgment necessary. This is not good or bad—it simply is.

Ask yourself…

How ready are you to leave?
What is your plan to transition out of the relationship?

* If you are less than 100% ready to leave, develop plans to shift your readiness, or reconsider your strategy.

And finally, here’s a simple truth that might help you to visualize…

There are 3 types of friends. The ones you keep in the kitchen, the ones on the front porch, and the ones you keep out on the street.

So, what’s the difference?

Well, your kitchen is the heart of the house. They’re your nearest and dearest…

Those on the front porch—we’ll keep them at arm’s length. But if nurtured and cultivated, maybe they too could be welcomed with open arms…

And those on the street? We’ll keep it lighthearted. ‘Hey how are you?’ (No need for anything more…)

But why am I telling you this?

Because if you’re reading this, I’d wager at this point in your life… you’re seeing things differently.

Maybe what once seemed to work for you—isn’t. Perhaps even back then you didn’t realize this wasn’t an ideal relationship, but you just kinda sucked it up…

And now you’re tired of sucking it up.

And finally, how did I resolve my difficult friendship?

I’ve accepted it. I keep her on the street. It’s not gonna get any better than this—that’s not who she is.

And I use the presence of others as buffers…

Holly

P.S. Consider taking some time this month to examine your relationships more closely…

Ask yourself, how do key relationships in your life affect your spirits? Are they raising you up or dragging you down? What can you do to foster ‘healthier’ relationships?

Contact me today for a complimentary session, and together we can strategize on how to maximize ALL your relationships…

We All Lead

by Holly Boxenhorn | Oct 2, 2017 | Blog

Keys To Successful Leadership

October 2017 Insights

We all lead, either by choice or default. Leadership is the ability to inspire and motivate yourself and others into taking positive and sustainable action. Whether you are a high level executive at a Fortune 500 company trying to negotiate a corporate buy out, on the board of your school district’s PTA organizing and recruiting for a fundraiser, an owner of a local bakery who would like to encourage her customers to use her services more often, or a coach just like me working with all of them, it’s crucial to understand that each person is a leader, or at least a leader in the making. If you don’t think of yourself as a leader, you are limiting your potential. Leading is the way we help people move into action, ourselves moreover. The question is not whether or not we are leaders, but how well we lead.

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