Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

Change of Season, Change of Perspective??

4-Part Prescription For Cultivating Self-Love

‘Change of season, change of perspective…’ 

Was the thought in the back of my mind when I sat down to complete my Values Assessment for the nth time.

But I hadn’t bargained on exactly how much of a change it would be… 

Now, before I go any further, I should explain that a Values Assessment is a tool I use with all my clients, and something I encourage them to come back to, at least annually. 

And the Fall run up to the Holidays is the perfect time for this, because it forces us to turn our attention to ourselves—and lays valuable groundwork for January’s habit of setting goals and starting afresh.

(If you’ve never done one before, you can read more about that here.)

Now, I’ve been completing Values Assessments for as long as I’ve been a life coach (that’s well over a decade). And to put this into perspective, I’ve never uncovered the insight I discovered last week, namely that…

Self-Love is now my highest priority.  

And this got me thinking: why is this such a surprise for me, especially given I’m a Women’s Transformational Life-Coach? 

Well, the answer is right there…  

Why is Self-Love So Hard for Women To Achieve? 

Yup the truth is Self-Love is something almost impossible for us women to cultivate.

It feels self-indulgent… 

Selfish even…

And fact is, we’re just not socialized that way. 

Instead, we’re the life-bearers, the life-givers. We’re self-less. We put everyone else before ourselves, solve everyone else’s problems before our own…

And spend way too much time comparing our imaginary flaws to everyone else’s imaginary perfections. 

So that makes it even more impossible to suddenly be like ‘hey, I’m gonna love myself!’ 

And all that got me thinking… 

What if there was a prescription for Self-Love? A simple formula we could tap into whenever we need a little TLC? 

Well, that’s why after years of writing, speaking and working with women on this topic I’ve taken everything I’ve learned (including a bunch of lessons I’ve already shared with you) and rolled it up into one simple prescription that you can call on whenever the chips are down, and you need a little care and attention. 

And here is it… 

The 4-Part Prescription for Lasting Self-Love

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Put simply this is all about letting go of the perfectionist mindset we’ve been spoon-fed from day 1, and move ourselves towards an optimialist perspective. 

So what does that look like?

Well, The ‘Perfectionist’ is SO on point she fails to embrace reality. She’ll work 16 hours a day, AND stay super-healthy/be a model spouse/the perfect mother/be super active in the community/BFF to millions…

Maybe this resonates? 

The ‘Optimialist’ on the other hand, is healthy and striving—but uses these high standards to fuel her growth. 

In other words, she rubs her vision up against reality. She aspires to be her best—within reason. And she understands that there are only so many hours in the day, and constructs a healthy optimal life within these boundaries. 

Now, you can read more about the difference here.

BUT. 

Essentially, part one of my 4-Part Process is about recognizing the difference between being a perfectionist or an optimialist. So you can move out of perfectionism and into Part 2 of my prescription… 

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that if faced with setbacks or insecurity, most of us fall into the trap of self-criticism…

Which inevitably chips away at our wellbeing.

Now, self-compassion on the other hand, builds us back up. And it can be a great source of empowerment, learning, and inner strength. 

And this is a 3-fold process: 

First, we must learn the practice of self-kindness…

Second, discover how to embrace our common humanity… 

And third, take a balanced approach to negative emotions.

Want to know more? You can read more about Kristen’s approach here. 

But, Part 2 really all boils down to this: being able to recognize when you’re falling into the trap of self-criticism and flipping that script to self-compassion. 

Part 3: Remember: That Manicure is Just a Myth

Now, I’ve talked about this before. (In fact, the Myth of a Manicure is probably one of my most popular emails.)

Why?

Well, it makes most women sit up and think. Reevaluate what true self-care really means for them. 

Because here’s what I like to tell them: 

Is it really fair to say getting a manicure, having a facial, or hanging out with friends is self-care?

Or can that be more accurately described as self-maintenance?

Now, don’t get me wrong I love getting massages, sitting down to read a great book or watching the latest episode of Ted Lasso.

(All of which certainly feel good in the moment but honestly short lived.)

But, if you want more bang for your buck like feeling:

  • More comfortable in your own skin
  • Confidence in who are and where you’re going
  • Energized and excited about your future

True self-care and self-love is going to have to include doing difficult things that our body, heart, and spirit need but may be hard… 

Like boundary setting, forgoing that second glass of wine, having that hard conversation, getting to bed earlier, or going for a mammogram.

Ugh. I know it’s not sexy. But unfortunately it’s essential.

(And if you’re not sure what that might be? Take the time to journal each day, and let what you really need bubble up to the surface.)

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

This last part is all about recognizing your own good qualities and strengths and building on those rather than focusing so much on weaknesses. 

And that starts with crushing the comparisonitis. 

Now, one way to press pause on this is to surround yourself with stories of women who truly inspire you.

And yes, I do this all the time! Some are my clients, and some are women out there right now, in the spotlight, who dare to radically reframe aging. 

Self-Love. If A Doctor Could Prescribe It… 

Here’s the thought I want to leave with you…

Self-love shouldn’t be something you feel ashamed of cultivating. 

It shouldn’t be something you’re surprised at feeling…

And you shouldn’t feel ashamed that it’s even on your radar.

(In fact, imagine if this was prescribed by a doctor?! I’d even go so far as to say I bet those prescriptions for Xanax or Zoloft would drop.)

Because it’s time to stop feeling less than, and embrace the love of you, now in this moment. 

I think you deserve that much… 

XO

Holly

P.S. QUICK RECAP… 

If you’d like to read up on any of any of the points I’ve made here in this prescription, here are the links you need: 

Part 1: Progress Over Perfection

Part 2: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Part 3: Remember! That Manicure is Just a Myth

Part 4: Radically Reframe Aging

 


                                                                                                                                 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

    Is This Midlife’s Craziest Myth?

    Pulling Back The Curtain..

    Let me tell you a little story about Vicky…

    Vicky’s been my client for many, many years. And in that time (she wouldn’t mind my telling you) her perspective’s done a 180°. 

    For years Vicky dreaded retiring. Her husband wanted to head to Florida—and hands down she didn’t. Her son was in New York, her daughter getting married. Vicky thought she’d be isolated, lonely, and at this time of her life? Really wasn’t grooving to a retirement state of mind… 

    But she took the plunge…

    And couldn’t have been more wrong.

    Now, if I Zoom Vicky, I can see the happiness in her eyes. She has more friends than ever, she’s at the beach every week, her daughter moved down with her grandson—and Vicky’s life is complete. 

    But all it took was a little bravery, and embracing the unknown.

    And then there’s Randy, who I’ve coached for nearly 5 years….

    When we met, Randy was divorced—and sworn off men. Romance was never a topic of conversation. She was closed to any possibility of love, or being in a relationship again. 

    Randy thought she was happy alone. (At least until she met David at a friend’s cocktail party…) 

    Randy’s 67.

    Or there’s Maggie, who in a matter of years, went from owning her own company, and all the prestige that comes with that—to uncovering chaos behind the scenes, making her escape, and building a new life for herself outside the corporate world.  

    Now Maggie’s connected to her purpose and (despite her children leaving home) blazes a trail on the board of a local college. 

    But, why am I telling you all this?

    Well, let me be clear with you here: these women might be my clients, but I can’t take ALL the credit for this. 

    Despite how this might read, it’s not like I spread magic dust on people. (If only it was that easy!)

    All of these women have been through a process. It takes time, and it’s super exciting to watch (especially as I struggle right now, to juggle homelife with the needs of my mom).

    No, the truth is Vicky, Randy and Maggie all have one big thing in common: they’re radically reframing aging.

    They refuse to be cow-towed by the media, bombarding us with pictures of youth and unrealistic expectations of beauty. They ignore the constant calls for botox, nips and tucks—and the need to hold onto some warped notion that success and happiness is the privilege of the young. 

    Now, of course this doesn’t come without apprehension. Yes, all of these women felt scared and nervous about the future. But they’ve stepped out of their comfort zones, embraced the unknown, and frankly…

    They’re killing it. 

    And they’re not the only ones… 

    Because I’m noticing a trend. Not only have many celebrity women stopped trying to hide their age (think of the ‘Sarah Jessica Parker Goes Gray!’ headlines that went viral last year) but they’re speaking up about the truth of midlife: that it can be more powerful and fulfilling than ever before. 

    Just get a load of this:

    ‘I think women come into their 40s—certainly mid-40s—and think, Oh, this is the beginning of the decline…things start to change and fade in directions that I don’t want them to go in anymore…  

    ‘But I’ve decided, no. We become more woman, more powerful, more sexy… We grow into ourselves more. We have opportunities to speak our mind and not be afraid of what people think of us. And not care what we look like so much.’

    • Kate Winslet, 47, on BBC’s Woman’s Hour. 

    Or as Glennon Doyle, 46, so fantastically puts it: 

    ‘Oh holy yes! Aging is the best thing to ever happen to me. Aging is unbecoming all the women I thought I was supposed to be, and breathing for God’s sake. 

    ‘Aging is like being one of those Russian nesting dolls and peeling off costumes one at a time-till I’m left as that little solid doll. Just that one. Nothing too big or wobbly.

    ‘I believe the spiritual/official explanation for a wise woman aging is: LOOK AT HER! SHE HAS RUNNETH OUT OF EFFS TO GIVE.
    ‘Beloveds in your twenties and thirties: It GETS BETTER!!!!!’

    And… she’s right. 

    It’s time to say enough is enough of that ‘I’m too old,’ ‘can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ mentality —

    It’s bullsh!t. 

    And probably one of midlife’s biggest, ugliest, craziest myths.

    And what’s more, believing myths around aging literally harms our health, and makes us more vulnerable to the fears we hold onto as we get older.

    But what can you do, day to day, to change your internal narrative around midlife. Well, you can start by remembering there are plenty of inspiring women who are choosing this path and then surround yourself with knowledge and support to age powerfully. 

    Know this: you’re not too old, and it’s never too late. 

    And, even if you can’t quite feel that ‘aging is the best thing to ever happen to you,’ taking a leaf out of Jamie Lee Curtis’s book is a not a bad place to start: 

    ‘My motto is, ‘If not now, when? And, if not me, who?’ And, that has unleashed me and freed me, and allowed me to do everything I’m doing with zero attachment.’

    • Jamie Lee Curtis, 64.

    Amen to that.

    XO 

    Holly

    P.S. On going gray, SJP said, ‘it became months and months of conversation about how brave I am for having gray hair… I was like, please please applaud someone else’s courage on something!

    We spend so much time talking about the accumulation of time spent adding up in wrinkles, and it’s the weirdest thing that we don’t say it adds up to being better at your job, better as a friend, better as a daughter, better as a partner, better as a caregiver, better as a sister…’

    Yup, surround yourself with inspirational women—and the impact on your mindset, outlook and actions will be profound.