Struggling with change?

Struggling with change?

by | Aug 2, 2023 | Blog

From Menopause To Bereavement, The 4-Step Process To Manage Change In Midlife 

‘The only constant in life is change.’

So said Heraclitus. (Smart man, who summed up in one sentence the dichotomy of being a woman in midlife.)

I joke of course… But the truth is, midlife is a HUGE time of change for women. Not only, with menopause, when our bodies are going through the biggest physical change since puberty, but we’re likely to be faced with a barrage of change in our everyday lives—be it children flying the nest, aging parents, changing careers, retiring or downsizing our homes. 

But while some people absolutely love change and thrive on everything it means for their lives, some can barely cope and survive it…

And others still will do everything possible to avoid it. 

Most of us recognize that change is inevitable, but what happens when we’re so resistant to it, we fail to see it as a positive?

Because living in the past, or being unwilling to progress can have a serious impact on our professional and personal lives.

Well, during my iPEC training to become certified as a professional life coach, I learned an incredible technique that forms the foundation of all my coaching with clients—and now I’m sharing it with you too. And it’s known as The Cycle of Change. 

What Does The Cycle of Change Mean For You?

This technique can help you normalize change, ride its waves and help you see change as an essential part of life.

Because here’s the thing…

When you hit your 40’s, 50’s and 60’s, in any facet of your life, be it relationships or health—you’re probably tackling the cycle of change.

Plus—just like dealing with any hand life throws at you—this strategy relates the changes we experience to a game of cards.

So, here’s how it works: 

Phase 1: Shuffle

Change by its very nature is often unexpected. Or, our reaction to change can take us by surprise. (The unexpected death or illness of a loved one for example. Even children leaving for college—no matter how prepared you might be, that feeling of an empty home can cut you to the quick.)

Well, the ‘Shuffle’ is a period of detachment from what was not working or what has been completed. It’s a phase to ‘time-out,’ emotionally heal and reflect, or search for new directions. 

Very often being in the Shuffle is associated with a fear of the unknown—but networking, exploring and taking action can help you to see a way through.  

So, here I would encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself: what aspects of your life are in the Shuffle? Which call for a new beginning? 

Phase 2: Deal

The Deal uses all the exploration and reflection you completed in the Shuffle, and helps you to take optimistic action—and move you onto the next step. 

If you’re in this phase you may feel excitement and anticipation. You’ll look for clarity and support. Your energy is high, despite any fear of failure you may feel. 

Perhaps, for example, your career is moving in a new direction? You’re pitching to podcasts, and building your audience. You have your head above water and you’re in full-flow mode. 

Phase 3: Play The Game

Now, you’re implementing your plan. You get on that podcast, start that new hobby, or buy that new house. 

In short? You’re all in. 

But, while this stage is associated with success, it can also be the setting for disappointments, setbacks, and new challenges. 

You may think: “What do I do next?” or “How can I find the time to do all of this?” And depending on the outcome, you might fear failure, or have a deep sense of peace and purpose…

But… that’s life! You’re taking action, and learning from mistakes. You’re learning to embrace change, and all that goes with it.

Phase 4: Toss In 

In this world, all things come to an end. Sometimes things end with a ‘failure’ and other times with a ‘success.’ Either way, people are rarely ready for the cycle to end, whether it’s the end of a job, a relationship, or any aspect of a goal or project.

If you’re in this part of the cycle, you’re usually unhappy and unsure of the future. You might turn inward, keep to yourself, and think, why me? 

‘I can’t just deal with this right now.’

Now, if you find yourself in this phase, it’s important to try to move yourself forward, get ready for the next hand, and shuffle those cards to start over.

Questions To Help You Complete the Cycle of Change 

If you find it difficult to pinpoint where in your life you might be experiencing the most change, or identifying where on the Cycle you fall, these questions have been designed to help you:

  • What are the most important insights for you from the Cycle of Change?
  • How might you integrate this into a problem, challenge, or conflict you (or someone in your life) is experiencing in your work or personal life right now? 
  • Read back through the phases, and identify where you fall. Name it. 

(Important to remember: you may be on different phases of the Cycle of Change in different aspects of your life. For example, your relationships may be thriving, but you’re suffering with physical changes due to menopause, or a recent health diagnosis.)

  • Now, ask yourself: what do you need to do in order to move forward? 

(Note: for the last phase ‘Toss In,’ an entire project or relationship doesn’t have to be over, only an aspect of it.)

Finally, consider the individuals or loved ones you wish to lead, inspire, or motivate in your life. How can the Cycle of Change assist you with any challenges or conflicts you might have with these people—and how can you shift your collective energy to help them?

Yes, it may be true that ‘the only constant in life is change—but with the help of these 4 phases, change does not need to be something to fear… 

Instead, it can be something to be embraced.

Rooting for you,

XO

Holly

P.S. If you enjoyed this, you’ll love my 10 Question Toolkit. Whatever change you’re going through, it can help you ignite a midlife reboot, and learn how to master the mayhem.

GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

     

     

     

     

     

    What The Cast of Friends Can Teach You About Making Decisions

    What The Cast of Friends Can Teach You About Making Decisions

    by | Jul 5, 2023 | Blog

    Difficult Decisions Are Everywhere

    Do you find it hard to make your mind up? 

    Well, I hate to break it to you, but in midlife, decision making can take on a whole new level… 

    Why? Well, when you factor in brain fog, anxiety, or the loss of confidence that often comes with going through menopause, it can mean you find yourself overthinking, and even the simplest decisions feel like accepting a marriage proposal… 

    Yet, the truth is when you hit your 50’s or 60’s you’ll often find yourself with more decisions than EVER to make in life.

    Take me for example! In the last 5 years I’ve had to decide: 

    • Whether or not to have my hip replaced (health decisions are HUGE in midlife) 
    • If assisted living is right for my mom, and how best to deal with her alzheimer’s diagnosis
    • With all this going on, how exactly to expand my business, and how best to serve my clients 

    Now, how we choose to make good decisions is as unique as we are. Some people will gather a great deal of info, and consider thoughts and opinions from a ton of sources. 

    Others gather significantly less and take more time to decide…

    And others will hurtle headlong into any decision based on what their gut tells them.

    So, how can we possibly know if the decisions we make are the right ones?

    Well, that’s where Holographic Thinking comes in… 

    Holographic Thinking is something I learned in my iPEC training, and it’s an absolute game-changer (I don’t use that term lightly!) in helping you make good informed decisions and trusting your own judgment. 

    Holographic Thinking teaches us there are 3 main ways to make your mind up:

    1. Logic: analyzing a situation through examining the facts and using your mind in a linear and scientific way. Maybe this involves research about what experts believe about the situation, or critically analyzing what you already know by experience or common knowledge.

    When you approach a decision logically you’re looking to see if it makes sense. 

    2. Emotion: looking at a situation through the lens of how you feel. Here you’re probably looking to see what would be most enjoyable, or how the decision might affect others around you.

    3. Intuition: instinctive knowledge that can’t be explained. (Or looking to see what your senses say.) This is what I refer to as a ‘midlife wizery’—i.e. many lessons learned, much knowledge acquired, and knowing ourselves better than ever. 

    Ask yourself, how many midlife women do you meet who are totally rocking it, no longer bullshit themselves—and are so done with feeling ‘less than?’ Well, chances are, they’re perfectly in touch with their intuition… 

    Now, all that being said, no one way is better than another, but combining all 3 is where the power lies—just as a hologram produces 3 dimensions or perspectives.

    So how can we make Holographic Thinking work for us in real terms, in real life? 

    Well, next time you have a decision to make, ask yourself these questions: 

    • How much sense does it make? How do I think it will work?
    • How enjoyable or fun will it be?
    • What do my inner senses say about it? What does my gut say? 

    These questions target each facet of your thought process, and help you arrive at a well rounded answer you can be confident in.

    And how can Friends help you with Holographic Thinking? 

    If you find it difficult to remember the distinctions between the 3 types, it can help to associate them with advice from people you know—or even characters from your favorite sitcom. 

    For example: 

    • What would logical Ross do to come to a decision in your situation? He’d likely read every single book on the subject and weigh up every possibility.
    • How would emotional Rachel feel about it? She’d probably write a letter (‘eighteen pages, front and back!’) and let it all out. 
    • And how would intuitive Phoebe deal with it? She’d trust her gut, play her guitar and wait for inspiration to strike. 

    But one thing’s for sure, together over coffee in Central Perk, their decisions would definitely be more nuanced, powerful and effective. 

    ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    Find you have more questions than EVER in midlife? Grab my 10 Question Toolkit. It’ll give you the skillset to not only manage the mayhem—but master it.

    GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

       

       

       

       

       

       

      I AM…

      I AM…

      by | Jun 7, 2023 | Blog

      Who Are You? Really…?

      Here’s what I know to be true: every woman has wings. But some need help to color them in.

      Some are washed out. Some need to color over the lines. Others? A touch of glitter…

      Now, some clients, when they come to me, have incredible wings. Their feathers are bright. They sparkle (and they know it!)

      BUT… they’ve been clipped. They’re caged, and they’ve lost their voice.

      So, what do I mean by all this?

      Well, maybe life feels like a sh*tshow right now? Perhaps you woke up this morning and thought:

      • I’m so done with being someone’s puppet.
      • I’m f*cking clueless.
      • I haven’t had my voice for so long. 
      • I have no idea…
      • What do I really want?                                                                                                                                                                   

      Because here’s the truth: ALL of us, now and then, need help remembering who we are.

      Yes, that’s right. I don’t care how beautiful your wings are, or how you got here. Every woman comes to me at a different level—and could benefit from some more color, more life in her wings.

      Let’s try it out… 

      If I asked you ‘who are you?’ I expect your first thought would be to list what you do, or your relationship to other people: i.e. wife or mother, or your job title.  

      But these are labels defined by society, not the true essence of you. 

      So, what if you’re reading this and think: ‘Holly, I’ve spent so long looking after everyone else, I don’t know who I am. And I don’t know where to start…’

      Well, that’s where the ‘Who Am I?’ exercise comes in.

      Its purpose is simple: to understand how your strengths, gifts and values meld to form who you are.

      Because here’s the thing: every experience until this point has shaped your perception of the world…

      And that’s why midlife is the perfect time to find out what color you want your wings to be—or in other words, who you really are.

      So, grab a pen and paper, pour a glass of wine or a cup of tea, and work through the following questions:

       Step 1: Identify your key descriptors:

      • What are the 5-10 most important values in your life?
      • How would you describe the attributes you most like about yourself?
      • What do other people admire most about you—and what is the impact you have on them? 

      Hint: if you can’t objectively see your gifts and strengths, it can help to reach out to up to 5 people in various parts of your life, and ask what they see as your unique qualities, attributes, or characteristics. Ask, why do you mean so much to them? And how do you impact their life?

       (This also helps realize your impact, and gives you direction towards ‘who you are.’)

      • What core beliefs about life serve you best?
      • What makes you unique, or stand out from others?
      • What makes you feel most passionate, satisfied, and most fulfilled?
      • If you had to name one feeling that you would like to have most often, what would that be?

      Step 2: Put an X by the 5-10 most important words from the list you made, and convert those 5-10 descriptors to nouns. 

      (For example, if ‘being healthy’ is one of your key descriptors, convert to ‘health.’ If ‘honest’ is one, convert to ‘honesty.’)

      Step 3: Take these nouns and make them into ‘I Am’ statements. Feel free to combine more than one concept or idea in each statement. You should have at least 5 statements, beginning with ‘I am”. (For the examples above, your statements would be ‘I am Health’ and ‘I am Honesty.’)

      Step 4: Rank each order of these statements by numbering them from 1 (as the most powerful) to the least powerful/descriptive of the list.

      Record your final ‘I Am’ statements, in rank order below, so you can refer to them later on.

      Step 5: Finally, seriously consider all of your final ‘I Am’ statements in relation to how you currently live. And ask yourself:

      What adjustments could you make?

      How well do you currently bring who you are into everything you do?

      Look at the different roles you play in your life. You may be a spouse, a parent, a child, a worker, a sibling, a friend, etc. Which roles do you believe are true to yourself, or where your true self shines? Which roles does your true self hide?

      In other words: what color do you want your wings to be?

      Or who are you… really?

      XO

      Holly

      P.S. If you enjoyed this exercise, and want to go one step further, grab my 10 Question Toolkit. 

      It will give you the skillset to not only manage the midlife mayhem—but master it.

      GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW 

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

       

         

         

         

         

         

         

        Don’t Mess With a Menopausal Woman…

        Don’t Mess With a Menopausal Woman…

        by | May 3, 2023 | Blog

        Three Simple Ways To Honor The Struggle (Because Sometimes Life Sucks)

        Don’t mess with a menopausal woman who wants more for herself.

        … Is something my clients and I often joke about. 

        Because, the truth is, at our time of life? There’s SO much going on:

        • Hot flashes that soak the bed, or steam up your eyeglasses…
        • Parents aging, and demanding so much more from you…
        • Kids getting married, having babies—or leaving for college (and calling home when it’s not going so well…)

        When, all the while you think ‘this should be my time now’ (to figure out where you want to retire, how to navigate your divorce, or what to do next in your career).

        Yup, aging can be a reckoning alright. (Or as I like to call it: ‘a sh*tshow.’) 

        Or… As Glennon Doyle so eloquently put it: ‘I believe the spiritual/official explanation for a wise woman aging is: LOOK AT HER! SHE HAS RUNNETH OUT OF EFFS TO GIVE.’

        Well, for me, this only tells half the story… 

        Because, what if, despite the madness, you DO give an eff…? 

        What if you want to be ready for every curveball life throws at you (instead of cowering in the corner?) 

        What if you want to move into the next phase of life on YOUR terms—more powerfully than ever?!

        Well, I believe, a strong part of dealing with life’s uncertainties is realizing how to ‘Honor the Struggle.’ 

        (Because, as we’ve established, sh*t’s gonna get real. But, it’s how we deal with it that counts.)

        To help, I walk my clients through a 3-part process. And here I’ve simplified it for you:

        Part 1: Acceptance

        And all this means is: accepting where you’re at. 

        Simple right? 😉 (And not to be confused with ‘resigning.’ That’s very different.) 

        No, resignation is relinquishing your control. Quitting or succumbing to something less than desirable…

        This means if you can accept life’s curveballs, you can regain control over them, and increase the likelihood that you will recover—by embracing what actually is, and what needs to be done—rather than wishing for something to be different.  

        Part 2: Embrace an Experimental Mindset (and Build Self-Trust)

        Now, I expect across social media, or in the business world, you regularly see people embracing a ‘growth mindset.’ And I say, there’s nothing wrong with that…

        BUT, the plain simple truth is this: it’s easy to trust yourself when your plan is working, and everything’s going well. But learning to trust yourself under adversity is something very different…

        Building self trust comes from knowing you’re resilient—and can bounce back from anything. It comes from being able to accept, acknowledge or honor the struggle, yet respond to any situation as you need to. 

        (Now, here I will walk my clients through what might be blocking their energy, and how to handle them) but for now, use this takeaway: 

        An important part of trusting yourself when things are challenging is knowing ALL experiences have value—but it’s crucial that you release your expectations to any particular outcome. 

        Remember this: embrace an experimental mindset—and you can create purpose from everything that happens (even if things don’t go your way).

        Part 3: Look for a Purpose, Not a Reason

        Although the difference between the words ‘reason’ and ‘purpose’ may seem inconsequential, energetically they are light years apart—and easy to confuse.

        And here’s why: the person who looks for reason takes no responsibility in creating her future. More likely, she’s stuck in the past, asking why something happened… 

        Conversely, someone who’s looking for a purpose does so with an eye toward growth and expansion. 

        Take my Mom’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis for example. It could have been SO easy for me to look around and say: why the f*ck should my mother have Alzheimer’s? Why is this happening to me? 

        But if I look for the purpose instead of reason, I realize that this is the perfect thing to give a (recovering) control freak—because I have deep immersion, and no control over it.

        And there you have 3 reasons why I am totally about honoring the suck, validating it—and using it to better your life.

        So next time, you think: ‘Why is this happening to me?’ Flip the script to: ‘why is this happening for me?’

        Remember this: happiness is an inside job. And right now, you have an unbelievable amount of wisdom that’s come with age… 

        So don’t give up. Learn to trust yourself, embrace life’s difficulties, and you’ll discover courage you never knew you had. 

        Rooting for you,

        XO

        Holly 

        P.S. Want to go one step further and ignite a midlife reboot? Grab my 10 Question Toolkit. It’ll give you the skillset to not only manage the mayhem—but master it.

        GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW

         

         

         

         

         

         

           

           

           

           

           

           

          3 Step Secret To Guaranteed Success…

          3 Step Secret To Guaranteed Success…

          by | Apr 5, 2023 | Blog

          It’s Easier Than You Think! 

          Picture this… 

          You’re 52—and finally met the man of your dreams. He’s kind, generous, and with 3 sons, it’s your chance to build the family you always longed for. 

          You had an incredible wedding, and those two weeks in Paris were simply… *Sigh*

          But, back home, when the confetti settles, and he carries you over the threshold? You’re backdown to earth with a jolt.

          Because, your husband’s boys resent you. 

          They turn away when you speak to them…

          And while you never wanted to take the place of their mother, you’re locked into the fear that they could achieve exactly what they set out to do—and drive a wedge between you and your husband. 

          ‘Hardly the Brandy Bunch’ you think with irony. 

          But, the truth is, all those fears you can’t think straight, and cannot see how to resolve this. 

          Well, that was Monica’s story. And talking this through in one of our sessions, I knew she needed only one thing… 

          The ABC Gameplan. 

          Now, the ABC Gameplan is all based around one central premise: success no matter what. 

          It’s perfect if you have an all-or-nothing mentality—or in those scenarios when you find fear, uncertainty or plan old procrastination stopping you from making those decisions crucial to your well being.

          >> Want to wake up each morning and go for a run? 

          >> Need to look for a new job, but just cannot find the time? 

          >> Want to find a way to heal a relationship with your spouse’s children—or anyone in your life? 

          You need the ABC Gameplan. 

          And here’s how it works… 

          First, break down any objective into 3 possible outcomes:

          1. Plan A: the ideal situation you want from any scenario. 
          2. Plan B (or your backup plan…)
          3. Plan C: your safety net, or the bare minimum you need to succeed.

          Here’s an example: 

          Jesse, my daughter, phoned at 2am with terrible stomach cramps. We talked and talked, and after we decided what she should do next, I wound up laying there, mind racing, staring at the ceiling.

          Now, you may remember how much I love to work out. But that morning I had zero desire to move my body… 

          So, I started with the bare minimum! Pushups to see if I was in the mood. B? Lifting those weights. And before I knew it, I was on my A plan—and the Peloton with Robin Arzon.

          Do you see what happened there? I gave myself grace to achieve the bare minimum—and that’s totally the point of the ABC Gameplan.

          Now, it’s important to remember the ABC Gameplan is not all about hitting your A. In fact, usually you won’t because that perfectionist mindset will creep in.

          But the crucial thing to remember is: progress over perfection.

          Because here’s the deal… 

          So many women I see are completely caught up in an all-or-nothing mentality—which in itself stops them from moving forward.

          Maybe you feel this too?

          But, understanding that there is a natural ebb and flow to success can help reduce what I call the ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’ syndrome… 

          Or in other words, just because you feel frustrated, challenged or disappointed with your progress towards a particular goal, it doesn’t mean you should fall back into limiting beliefs—and throw in the towel.

          So, what happened to Monica?

          Well, more than anything she wanted to create a happy, unified family. So, she invited her stepsons over for dinner with her ABC Gameplan in mind…

          And this is how that looked for her:

          A: Enjoy dinner and spend time together. 

          But Monica knew she couldn’t control their behavior—or a bunch of other influencers might get in the way. So…

          B: To say to herself: ‘Okay, if it doesn’t go well, I’m not going to take what they say so personally.’ 

          C: (Or, in other words if the sh*t hits the fan?) To know how to respond better next time… 

          Now, I’d love to say Monica hit her A first time. But, in reality she couldn’t get past a wobbly C.

          However, over time, the ABC Gameplan served her well. It helped her to keep her cool, and build those bridges with her stepsons. They appreciated her patience, and now, she’s slowly hitting her A… 

          Want to take your ABC Gameplan to the next level? Grab my 10 Question Toolkit and ignite a midlife reboot.

          GRAB YOUR TOOLKIT NOW